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A Funny Cheezburger or Two … by Cindy Beck

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, dogs, cats, bunnies, bunny, icanhascheezburger.com, photos, funny, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Nothing beats a funny picture—especially when there's a caption. So, today I went to one of my favorite sites, ICanHasCheezburger.com and put in the work and sacrifice to bring you pictures that will make you laugh out loud. Or at least smile.

Oh, okay. Truthfully, I spent an hour or two enjoying the work, therefore, it might be a slight exaggeration to call it a sacrifice. But, I did do it just for you. And it might take a second for you to get “Cheezburger Speak,” but it’s phonetic, and you'll catch on fast.

Here are a few of my favorites:


funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals



humorous pictures
more animals



Humorous Pictures
more animals



funny pictures
more funny pictures



bunnyairlines-morelaak.jpg
more animals



cat
more animals



funny pictures of dogs with captions
see more puppies



bold bunny
more animals



funny pictures
more funny pictures



cat
more animals



funny-dog-pictures-with-captions-stop-snoring
see more puppies



funny pictures
more animals


What's playing in my head: Nothing. It's occupied by a dust bunneh.

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Please Press One ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, telephone, ESPN, HBO, programming, funny, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)



Do you remember the days when real people answered the phone? Yesterday, my husband Russ, spent hours trying to correct a problem by talking with a fake woman. Yes, one of those electronic females who answers the phone and doesn’t have a brain. Or a body. Or for that matter, anything but wires, circuits, and maybe a little dust.

When Russ placed the call, an artificial woman answered and said, “Please choose from the following options: Press one to hear this message in Tagalog. Press two for Dhimba, three for Palenquero, and four for Beothuk.”

Hoping to get a live person, Russ pushed every number on the phone’s keypad.

The voice said, “I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you need. Please tell me your phone number so that I may access your records.”

Russ paused, scratched his bald head for a second and tried to remember the number, which wasn’t easy since it was new. “714-555-1212,” he said.

The line crackled with static and the disembodied woman said, “Let me repeat that back to you.”

And that’s when Russ made his first mistake. “Okay,” he said.

“I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you need. Please choose from the following options: Press one to hear this message in Tagalog. Press two for Dhimba, three for—”

Russ punched every number on the pad. Twice.

“I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you need. Please tell me your phone number so that I may access your records.”

Russ wiped off the thin bead of sweat that had appeared on his upper lip from the aggravation of it all. “714-555-1212,” he said, and then waited in silence this time.

The fake woman’s voice sounded like someone gargling with peanut butter for a second and then she said, “Let me repeat that number back to you.”

Silence. Russ knew better than to tell her okay.

Silence.

A tickle developed in Russ’s throat but he didn’t dare clear it for fear he’d end up with the voice speaking to him in Dhimba.

“Your phone number is seven …” the woman said.

Silence.

“One …” she intoned in her plastic, other-world voice.

Silence.

“Four …” she repeated, dragging out each syllable—even though “four” is only a one syllable word.

“Aarrrgggg!” Russ shouted in frustration at the voice's snail pace.

“I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you need. Please choose from the following options: Press one to hear this message in Tagalog. Press two for Dhimba—“

Russ jabbed every button on the keypad. One button flew off, hitting him in the forehead and ricocheting onto the floor. Corky Porky Pie, the dog, walked over. His black ears twitched with interest, and before Russ could snatch the button away, Corky gulped it down.

“I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you want,” said the voice in the phone. “I’d be happy to help. Please tell me what you need. Would you like to order ESPN-15? Or perhaps HBO? Speak clearly into the telephone and tell me what you would like.”

Russ gritted his teeth and said, “Programming problems.”

“I’m sorry; let me make sure I understand you correctly. Would you like to add additional programming? If so, please speak clearly and say yes.”

“NO,” Russ thundered. Corky leapt in the air, certain that intruders had entered the house, and tore off in a frenzy, barking all the way up the stairs to the front door.

“Corky, it’s all right. Be quiet,” Russ hollered over the dog’s barks and yaps.

“I’m sorry; I don’t understand the word, ‘Corky,’” the voice intoned in his ear. “Is Corky a program you wish to purchase? Please speak clearly and say yes.”

“No! No pro … gramm … ing!" Russ said it emphatically, enunciating each syllable for the hard-headed voice to hear. He continued, “Cust … o … mer ser … vice! TALK … TO … A … REAL … PER … SON!”

“Please wait while I connect you to customer service.” The fake woman disappeared with a click, and the Monkees’theme song—played on an accordion—sounded in Russ’s ear.

“Finally,” Russ said to Corky Porky Pie, who had given up on catching burglars and now sniffed the carpet in hopes of finding another yummy keypad button. “I’m finally going to get a real person.”

“Hello, this is customer service,” said a pleasant male voice with a slight New York accent. At the same time, a scent wafted through the room and Russ sniffed the air. It smelled like a cross between old, crusty snow, and the odor of doom and gloom.

Ignoring it, Russ opened his mouth to speak, and as he did, the male voice continued, “How may I help you? Would you like to add additional programming? Would you like to purchase HBO? Please say yes, then press one to hear this message in Tagalog …”


What's playing in my head: The Monkees' Theme Song.

This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com. Please show your appreciation by returning to and browsing through the Neighborhood.

And while you're there, subscribe to our fantastic newsletter. In addition to being able to shop in the new virtual neighborhood, our newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources and interviews from around the world—all with an LDS focus. Look for issues delivered to your email inbox every week on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.

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Anne Bradshaw's Contest

Posted by Cindy Beck

Anne Bradshaw at "Not Entirely British" is running contests through out this year. Some really cool stuff is being offered, so run over there and enter to win! Right now, she's offering an autographed copy of Josi Kilpack's book, Lemon Tart.

Good luck!

Taggity-Tag ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, tag, game of tag, weight, height, knock knock jokes, knock-knock, Al Gore, Drew Carey, funny, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)



Admit it, a lot of you love the game of tag as much as I do. Especially internet tag, where you don’t have to worry about running and you can sit in your chair, munching on a candy bar. Ah, yes ... cyber exercise ... it’s the only way to work out.

Not long ago, Candice Salima tagged me in a game where the person who’s “it” has to write 25 random things about him/herself, and then tag 25 more people. Except Candace only tagged 15. Someone else I know only tagged 10. Maybe I could get away with just tagging my dog, Corky Porky Pie, who would love the concept of running around and barking for no apparent reason—as long as it included treats and a tummy rub afterwards.



Therefore, in keeping with the game and listed below in no particular order (which by coinky-dink is what random means) are 25 thoughts.

1. To semi-quote Garfield, “I am not overweight, I am under-tall.” In a height to weight ratio, I should actually be a seven-foot Amazon. (The female warrior, not the website.)

2. I’m a dog lover. Over my lifespan, I’ve owned dogs named Mickey, Flopsy-Mentis, Ragsie, Deed-O, MacDoogie, Bearly Bubba Wubba, Bud Spud … and of course, Corky Porky Pie.

3. I just made up my very first knock-knock joke. Are you ready?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oyster.
Oyster who?
Oy ster the soup so it doesn’t burn.

I didn’t say I made up a good one. I said I made up my first one.

4. My brain is melting from all this thinking, and so far I’ve only come up with four things for this list.

5. I’ve had a plethora of broken bones—wrist, two ankles, back, nose, little toe, and elbow. I’d mention that I’ve never broken a leg but I’m afraid the Broken Bone Elf will run me down in the street and make it happen. Shhh. Please pretend you did not hear me say I’ve never broken a leg.

6. The broken nose was Russ’s fault. No, he did not hit me. It happened at the ocean, when a big wave threw me nose first into the back of Russ's head. Really, I think he should have moved.

7. The broken ankles were Russ’s fault. No, he did not mow me over with the car.

The first one happened on the basketball court. We both jumped for the ball. Russ jumped three feet into the air and I, being under-tall, jumped three inches. When we reached Mother Earth again Russ landed on top of my foot, I lost my balance, and … viola voile vole voilaw … oh heck, ta-da … another trip to the emergency room.

The second one happened at the office, in January, on a very large patch of ice. Well, okay, the ice wasn’t in the office, it was out in the parking lot. And it wasn’t really Russ’s fault, but blaming it on him makes for a more interesting story.

8. In high school, I was very shy, and never, ever funny. Looking this list over, apparently I’m never, ever funny now, either.

9. Drew Carey, the comedian, learned comedy from reading a book. I thought that might help me, too, so I went out to the internet and typed, “How to write jokes,” into the Yahoo search engine. The first three returns all said, “Forget it. People who are under-tall can not write good jokes.” I finally found a site that let me in. The site was created in 1932, by Al Gore. I learned how to write my first knock-knock joke from there. (See entry #3, above.)

10. My brain is now oozing onto the floor in a puddle. It may never recover, and for that reason, I cannot tag 25 people. I’ll be lucky to tag 10. Okay, wait, maybe not even 10, so I’m going for five. OzGirl, Randy McNeely, Hazel Jensen, Shirley Bahlmann, Cathy Witbeck, Mary Greathouse, and Monkey’s Blog, come on down! You’ve been tagged!

What? I tagged seven people? Oh well, that’s me … the under-tall over-achiever.

What's playing in my head: Absolutely nothing. My brain has left the building.

This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com. Please show your appreciation by returning to and browsing through the Neighborhood.

And while you're there, subscribe to our fantastic newsletter. In addition to being able to shop in the new virtual neighborhood, our newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources and interviews from around the world—all with an LDS focus. Look for issues delivered to your email inbox every week on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.

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Hula in the Coola ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, holidays, observances, 2009, February, Valentine’s, schmaltzy, marijuana, Jell-O, coola, hula, BYU, University of Wyoming, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Are you tired of the schmaltzy Valentine’s stuff and wish you could find something else to celebrate in February? Or, has your mother-in-law blacklisted you, and you want to make amends by throwing a holiday party in her honor?

Look no farther. It’s your lucky day! For the paltry fee of $299.99—plus your house, car, and first-born in the wilderness—you can read my list of lesser-known February holidays. In addition, for a mere $100.00* more, you can print out your very own copy.

* Subject to sales tax, shipping, and handling.


FEBRUARY MONTHLY OBSERVANCES

Marijuana Awareness Month (Ooo, far out man! It lasts all month): The second month of the year conjures visions of love, hearts, and flowers … and marijuana. Honest, I’m not making this up. Someone, somewhere—probably a hippie from the sixties—designated February as the month to be aware of marijuana.

Go figure.

However, everyone needs a reason to party, right? And what better reason than the fact that we should all be aware of marijuana? Being converts to the church and knowing a number of interesting people before we joined, I can tell you that my husband, Russ, and I had a few friends in college that were aware of marijuana long before there was a holiday dedicated to it. And the irony of life—some of them are now politicians.

Celebrate this holiday observance regally. Bring out the chips and salsa, and invite all your college friends from the sixties and seventies—the two or three that are still left after smoking so much of that Mary Jane. Just remember that no party would be complete without a batch of brownies. No, not the kind with that funny little weed—the mint-chocolate-chip kind.

Spunky Old Broads Month (all month): Finally, a weird holiday worth celebrating. At my age, I know lots of spunky old women. Hey, for that matter, I’m one of them. And I find that I keep wondering when I went from Sweet Young Thang to Spunky Ol’ Lady.

At any rate, we Spunky Ol’ Ladies have one thing going for us—we can bake a mean batch of brownies. The mint-chocolate-chip kind.

Note: You might find this holiday particularly appropriate for that mother-in-law problem I mentioned earlier.

Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month (all month): This holiday was instituted for sinners who accidentally, and without malice aforethought, stole shopping carts. It provides the penitent shoplifter with the opportunity to return—without reprisal—the metal contraption that they dragged home for half a mile, with one wheel going bump, bump, bump.

Note: In a personal interview with you, the bishop doesn't usually ask, “Have you ever stolen a shopping cart?” However, now's your chance to vote on the issue. If you think that should be one of the interview questions, leave a comment. Better yet, email your bishop.


FEBRUARY WEEKLY OBSERVANCES

International Hoof Care Week (Feb. 3-6): The last time I counted, Feb. 3-6, was not a full week. It’s more like four days, which gives us a glimpse into the mentality of the person who came up with a holiday to celebrate digging “stuff” out of an animal’s hoof.

Have no fear, however, because by the time you read this, the week-long-holiday-that-only-lasts-four-days will practically be over.

Jell-O Week (Feb. 8-14): For those who always wanted to wrestle another person in a vat of Jell-O, now’s your chance!

Texas Cowboy Poetry Week (Feb. 27- Mar. 1): Apparently, nobody but Texas cowboys can write poetry during this week. It seems unfair to the rest of the cowpokes in the country. It’s my suggestion that the non-Texan cowboys band together and form their own poetry guild. For their membership fee, they could charge a dogie or two. (For the benefit of the non-cowboys reading this, a dogie is an orphaned calf—which eventually becomes steaks and hamburgers. It should not be confused with a doggy, which is a dog—who steals the steaks and hamburgers off your plate.) The non-Texan galoots could also hold their annual poetry conventions in a two-seater outhouse, thereby outdoing the Texans by one whole seat.


FEBRUARY DAILY OBSERVANCES

Hula in the Coola Day (Feb. 1): I have no clue what it means to hula in the coola, but I’m thinking that someone who’s been smoking a little too much Maui Wowie came up with it.

Wear Red Day (Feb. 6): In fairness to BYU graduates around the world, I must protest and insist that the day after this holiday should be called “Wear Blue Day.” Moreover, the day after that should be, “Wear Brown and Gold Day” … for University of Wyoming fans around the country.

All one of them. (That would be me.)

Be Electric Day (Feb. 11): Do you suppose I misread the name of this holiday? I’m thinking it actually said “Be Electrocuted Day,” in honor of those who unthinkingly stuck a fork in the toaster to pull out a crumpled piece of raisin bread … and lived to tell about it.

That would be Russ.


What's playing in my head: Get Along Little Dogies by Gene Autry. (Be sure to check out the fun link on Gene Autry!)

This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com. Please show your appreciation by returning to and browsing through the Neighborhood.

And while you're there, subscribe to our fantastic newsletter. In addition to being able to shop in the new virtual neighborhood, our newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources and interviews from around the world—all with an LDS focus. Look for issues delivered to your email inbox every week on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.

Neighborhood Newsletter Subscriptions are FREE, and joining is easy.

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