Today I’d like to discuss the latest ongoing research from Northwestern University’s College of HairSpray and Mousse, whose scientists have proven that—with the exception of Albert Einsten—men are not as smart as women. But first, let’s talk about a news item from the Internet.
According to an article written by Bob Mims, and published in the Salt Lake Tribune on April 21, 2010, an alleged kidnapper tried to abduct a woman from a Smith’s Marketplace at midnight, and then was run over when he attempted to carjack a vehicle.
From the absurdness of the situation, I’m guessing the kidnapper was a male. Well, that, and the fact that it said so in the Tribune.
Perhaps this kidnapper had heard of Northwestern’s research and wanted to stand as proof, because after he forced his way into the victim’s car (while wielding a knife), and insisted she drive off with him inside, he let her pull into a gas station when she claimed to be running out of gas. And then, the assailant left his victim in the car while he went inside the station’s convenience store, presumably for something really important … like buying a stick of gum.
Seriously, can you picture any woman kidnapper doing that? No, she’d go in the store for something important … like a tube of mascara. And she’d at least remove her panty hose and hog-tie her victim before leaving the car. Why? Because, contrary to popular male belief, kidnap victims tend to flee when left sitting footloose and fancy free in a vehicle.
According to the Tribune, when the kidnapper came out and found that his alleged victim had disappeared, he went back into the store, and while pretending he had a gun, attempted to rob the clerk.
What person with a brain—who’s wielding a knife for the first half of the crime—now pretends to have a gun? If he was a woman, he would’ve pretended he had a can of pepper spray in his purse. Or a bazooka. Honestly, some women have purses big enough to hold a Stinger missile.
Since the store clerk refused to give up the money, the kidnapper grabbed a customer in the store and demanded the keys to his car. Being far more intelligent than the kidnapper, the customer punched him and they proceeded to rough each other up until the customer managed to push the kidnapper out the door. From whence—lest someone still have a lingering doubt about the kidnapper’s stupidity—the man ran to a nearby Wendy’s restaurant and pounded on the windows, demanding to be let in.
Now really, if you’re going to run to a Wendy’s restaurant after midnight, waving your pretend gun about and pounding on windows, why not at least pound at the drive-through and demand a bowl of chili and a Frosty?
At any rate, the employees were having none of it … no, not the chili, none of the kidnapper … and called the police. Whereupon the kidnapper broke in and chased two employees into the parking lot.
And this is where the story goes beyond normal male thinking and into bizarre. The dude that the kidnapper had fought with in the convenience store had inexplicably decided to go to this same Wendy’s restaurant for a late night snack.
Yes, I know. I see all you women out there shaking your heads in amazement at the progression of events. A woman would’ve had an emergency bag of chocolates in her purse, alongside the bazooka, and wouldn’t have needed to stop at a fast food joint during the hours when only criminals are out and about.
But, I digress … so the guy that fought with him at the convenience store started pulling out of the Wendy's parking lot, and the kidnapper ran over to the man’s Chevy Tahoe SUV, began banging on the hood and demanding the driver surrender the vehicle.
Although the driver wasn’t a woman, I have to give him credit for quick thinking. Rather than open the door and ask the deranged chili-and-Frosty kidnapper what he wanted, the guy continued driving away, leaving the kidnapper behind with tread marks from the tires on his chest.
Okay, I’ll admit it. I made up that last part about the tread marks on the kidnapper’s chest. The article in the Tribune did not mention tread marks, but based on my husband’s experience as a one-time convenience store clerk, that can happen.
However, that’s an anecdote for another day. And despite having made up the tread marks, I swear, I am telling the truth. Well, for the most part. And you can read the full story online, at the Salt Lake Tribune’s website.
The kidnapper was taken to the hospital, which at this point is incidental to what I set out to accomplish in telling you the story. I’m pretty certain that by now, all the women readers—and even a good number of men—are in agreement that the College of HairSpray and Mousse’s researchers knew what they were talking about in stating women are smarter than men.
And not just because the kidnapper left his victim untied in a car. Not just because he tried to rob a convenience store with a pretend gun, tried to commandeer the keys to a vehicle by punching a guy in the store, or tried to hijack the same guy’s vehicle in a Wendy’s parking lot.
No. It’s because if a woman had been driving that SUV when the kidnapper-turned-carjacker fell under the wheels, she wouldn’t have waited around calmly for the police.
Ever wanted to kill your spouse because he/she keeps interrupting something you're trying to do? If so, you'll get a charge out of Cindy's latest published story, "Texting on Ice" in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Hooked on Hockey.