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Driving Miss Daisy Crazy ... by C.L. Beck


Today we're discussing that very important issue of misuse of taxpayer funds. But first, let's discuss something of an even higher priority ... idiot drivers!

We all spend a significant amount of time in traffic, and it's obvious a number of testosterone-enriched guys and estrogen-deprived gals don't know there's an etiquette to driving. To that end, here is enlightenment and knowledge ... for those who haven't a clue, and are driving Miss Daisy crazy:

1. If traffic is stopped on the interstate and backed up for 2 miles, you may not drive on the shoulder to bypass those who've been sitting for hours. If you do, you will be consigned to hell for eternity. With no ice water.

2. You may only occupy one small space in the lane. You may not weave all over the road nor fly down the middle like a "bat out of hell." If you do, that's where you're liable to end up, along with the drivers breaking rule #1.

Exception: Eighteen wheelers with plastic steer horns on the front of the grille and  with ... um ... how to say this politely ...  personal parts dangling off the back bumper are given a pass. (No pun intended.) These big rigs are allowed any portion of the road they please, including but not limited to, barrow pits, median strips, concrete barricades, and through the middle of Mickey D's golden arches.

3. You can not decide what exit you need ten seconds after you've passed it. If this happens, you may not back up on the freeway, you must go to the next exit and turn around.
  
Exception: If there's a pregnant women in the car and a baby's head is crowning. This is not an either/or situation. In the event both are happening, you can whip a u-turn from the middle lane at 80 mph, if you're dumb enough to try that.

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4. In residential areas, you may slow down slightly to check for the address you need. You can not--and should not--stop in the middle of the road, pull out your bifocals, put them on, realize nothing's in focus, and drift over to the curb at the rate of 10 feet/hour. You'll discover you still can't read the address from the curb.

Note: To avoid the possibility that 99% of the residents of the retirement states of Florida, South Carolina, and Arizona will burn in hell for this infraction, we suggest all homeowners nationwide should purchase plastic-flamingo-pink custom address plaques in font size 954. In Nevada, those should be interchangeable with residential address plaques that glow in the dark. Preferably ones not composed of nuclear waste, however.

5. In keeping with the trend in this country to allow the federal government to control every aspect of your life, we suggest that you purchase personalized address plaques for all your vehicles. This would include scooters, Big Wheels, tricycles, possibly horses ... oh, and cars. The a fore-mentioned identification would  enable the FBI, CIA, FDIC, and PTA to track you down and issue citations for any infractions. Or force you to make cupcakes for the high school bake sale, depending.

Note: For those readers who already know and understand these rules of the road, feel free to print them off and distribute them to all the road-raged morons that tick you off. Just don't blame us if one of them tries to nail your personal parts to the bumper.

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Author's Note: If you enjoyed this semi-witty article, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun.

"Driving Miss Daisy Crazy" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck  
Tags: address plaques, justaddressplaques.com,driving Miss Daisy

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