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The Dog, the Cat, and the Three-Year-Old ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, dogs, cats, kids, perspective, bark, meow, skein, yarn, deodorant, hairball, pork chop, funny, smile, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)


THE DOG’S PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE:



The family cat is brainless—she swallows her own fur.

If you eat the rotten pork chop that fell in the yard—the one that came from heaven—you’ll feel great for an hour and then you’ll vomit for the rest of the day. But, hey ... it’s worth it.

It’s a bad sign if your humans say sweet things while putting you in the car. It means a body part is going to go missing.

No matter how often you bark in the cat’s face, she’ll never learn how to woof.

If you bark in the cat’s face once too often, she’ll slice your nose in half.

You can gaze longingly at the food on the dinner table for as long as you like, it will never magically fly into your mouth.

Nothing matches the anticipation of sitting in the car, waiting to go on a ride.

Cats are best served up in a tree.


RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE CAT:



The family dog is brainless—he willingly jumped in the car to become an “it.”

Never try to clean a skein of yarn with your tongue—it’ll give you an extra long hairball.

If your pitiful meows for food don’t give the expected results, five claws across someone’s ankle might do the trick.

If you see the family’s three-year-old with a can of deodorant in his hand … run!

Your humans want you to catch the mice that live outdoors, but not the bird that lives indoors.

If you try to eat the family's parrot, he will try to eat you back.

There's nothing as warm as a car’s engine on a cold winter’s day.

If you deposit a big mouse's head on your humans’ doorstep, one of them will gag and freak out.


LIFE’S LESSONS FROM THE THREE-YEAR-OLD:



Dogs and cats are a lot more fun than a dead goldfish.

If you throw a rotten pork chop into the yard, the dog will eat it and puke green stuff the rest of the day.

If you spray deodorant on the cat’s armpits, she’ll rip around the house for an hour.

When you lean really hard on the car’s horn, the dog will leap out the back window in panic, and the cat will explode off the engine like someone stuck a hand grenade under a ball of fur.

If the cat leaves a dead mouse's head on the doorstep, don’t touch it. Lots of excitement will follow. When Mommy sees it, she’ll scream. When Mommy screams, the cat will freak out, and hiss and spit. When the cat freaks out, the dog will chase her up a tree. While all that is happening, you can take the mouse's head and put it in your treasure box, under your bed.


What's playing in my head: We Are Family, by Sister Sledge

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5 comments:

Karlene said...

I knew this was going to be funny just from the title. Which is not a good thing because I'm at work and there are customers browsing and I just LOL'ed out loud. :)

Nichole Giles said...

Oh my, too true. It's all a matter of perspective I'm afraid. Makes me glad I'm not the dog or cat.

Too funny as always.

Nichole

Oz Girl said...

Oh my, all too funny (as usual!)... with 2 cats outside and Ringo the "rat catcher", we are never short on rat, mouse and miscellaneous bird parts near our back door **gag**

Oz Girl said...

IF by chance I would win those diamond earrings, I would wear them with my jeans. :) OR SELL THEM ON EBAY!! haha.... And I'll be having plenty more giveaways, so you'll have more chances to enter. I'm challenging myself with ideas for even better prizes. But no diamond earrings.

Karen Hoover said...

I know this is an older post but I jsut read it for the first time and I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe and I've got tears running down my face. Oh. My. Heck! You are stinkin' hilarious, my friend.