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The Evil Beasts of Summer by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2008
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, ants, bug, bugs, insects, buggers, beasts, invasion, spray, pesticides, Raid, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

The evil beasts of summer have returned.

No, I’m not talking about the kids that ring your doorbell just as you climb into bed—and then run, laughing, into the night—I’m talking about the real deal. Bugs.

The other day my husband, Russ, ran into the house shouting, “There’s an ant invasion. Where’s the bug spray?”

I eyed him suspiciously. “You aren’t really going to use toxic poisons on them, are you?”

Russ and I have an ongoing disagreement about the best way to whack little buggers. I like environmentally friendly solutions. He prefers eradicating them in a cloud of pesticides potent enough to kill an ox.

I said, “Remember when you used Raid outside the kitchen—with the window air conditioner cranking full blast? It sucked in the spray and we had to call HAZMAT.”

“Yeah, but the dog hasn’t had fleas ever since.” Russ leaned over and patted my cheeks. “Would you rather use your wonderful method of spraying them with Windex?”

I considered giving a supercilious look, but remembered from past experience that looking down my nose only crossed my eyeballs and made me feel loopy. “I had it on good faith that Windex would kill bugs. It’s not my fault wasps have compound eyes and one saw me coming.”

Russ raised an eyebrow. “If you stand nose to nose with a creature carrying a harpoon in its butt, you shouldn’t be surprised when you get speared in the forehead.”

“Okay, so it didn’t work, but at least it was eco-friendly,” I said, while simultaneously searching my brain for another method. “What about orange peel? The acid is supposedly lethal.”

“You’re going to place bits of orange peel on 90,000 ants?” Russ held the kitchen door open. “Take a look out there.”

We walked over to a living puddle that pulsated along the foundation of the house and across the sidewalk. My mind searched for alternatives. “Recently, I saw an advertisement for a non-polluting, mechanical process for killings bugs. What if we try that?” I said, eyeballing the ants that teemed over my feet.

“Did you read the whole thing?” Russ swatted at his pant legs. “The device was two blocks of wood. The instructions said to place the bug between blocks and press firmly.”

I wasn’t listening. Ants were racing up my ankles, gnawing at my knees and swarming into uncomfortable places. “Quick, Russ, get the bug spray,” I said, prancing about and partially disrobing.

“If you insist—but don't you think we should try something more environmentally friendly first? Maybe you could massage them with garlic,” Russ replied, as he headed for the can of Raid.


What's playing in my head: The Ants Go Marching One by One (Unknown authorship)

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8 comments:

Candace E. Salima said...

Oh my word! I feel your pain. We've been invaded too, but I didn't waste any time on the eco-friendly ant killers. I went straight for the big guns. Now I have piles and piles of ants committing hari kari on my front porch and just inside my front door, every single blasted day! It's a veritable ant graveyard. I've never seen anything like this and sweep the little buggers away at least 3 or 4 times a day. It's never been like this and they've certainly never tried to crawl into the house to die. Crazy!

Nichole Giles said...

He he! You have the funniest view on life. I'm so glad to have friends I can laugh with...

I promise, I'm not laughing at you, just with you. As you laugh with me when I do silly things. Plus, I'm all about being environmentally friendly too, until it comes to ants and spiders...oh, and snakes.



Nichole

C.L. Beck said...

Candace,
Oh my land, our little buggars must be related!

I decided to try the next step in eco-friendly solutions and sprinkled carpet deodorizer along the doorway. The dumb bugs do just what yours are doing ... giving up the ghost inside the house instead of outside. Now I'll need to bring in birds to get rid of the dead bugs ... although maybe a broom would be easier! :)

Thanks for stopping by.

C.L. Beck said...

Nichole,
Snakes? Hey, when it comes to snakes, forget the environmentally friendly stuff ... give me a heat seeking missile! :)

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

Cheri J. Crane said...

This does indeed seem to be the year of the bug. Even just driving into town causes multiple bug-splatters across our windshield. And let's not even bring up the mosquitoes. I'll be lucky to have any blood left by the end of the summer. I think those nice "DEET" bug repellants were wrongly dubbed. They're more like bug enticements this year. ;)

Fun Blog.

Melanie said...

So my m-in-law swears, among many other talents, that cinnamon is the solution to ants. We tried this on her front porch, out front row seats to the city fireworks. My son shook the can of cinnamon in a circle around the ants. I have to say only a few dared to cross the line. M-in-law keeps saying just wait, just wait. My husband comes back out asking what we are all doing and sprays them with ant spray. Now I need another pile of ants and my ten year old to finish this experiment.

C.L. Beck said...

Cheri,
Oh, mosquitoes--those nasty little vampires of the bug world! They're just terrible this year. My husband and I walk at the cemetery (that's a whole 'nother story :), and they attack in roving bands!

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

C.L. Beck said...

Melanie,
That story is a hoot! And it just goes to show you that most husbands think the same way ... "Get out the Raid and eredicate the bugs in a holocaust of poisonous spray!" :)

If you're ever able to continue the experiment, let me know. Cinnamon smells so much better Windex.

Thanks for stopping by.