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Hula in the Coola ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, holidays, observances, 2009, February, Valentine’s, schmaltzy, marijuana, Jell-O, coola, hula, BYU, University of Wyoming, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Are you tired of the schmaltzy Valentine’s stuff and wish you could find something else to celebrate in February? Or, has your mother-in-law blacklisted you, and you want to make amends by throwing a holiday party in her honor?

Look no farther. It’s your lucky day! For the paltry fee of $299.99—plus your house, car, and first-born in the wilderness—you can read my list of lesser-known February holidays. In addition, for a mere $100.00* more, you can print out your very own copy.

* Subject to sales tax, shipping, and handling.


FEBRUARY MONTHLY OBSERVANCES

Marijuana Awareness Month (Ooo, far out man! It lasts all month): The second month of the year conjures visions of love, hearts, and flowers … and marijuana. Honest, I’m not making this up. Someone, somewhere—probably a hippie from the sixties—designated February as the month to be aware of marijuana.

Go figure.

However, everyone needs a reason to party, right? And what better reason than the fact that we should all be aware of marijuana? Being converts to the church and knowing a number of interesting people before we joined, I can tell you that my husband, Russ, and I had a few friends in college that were aware of marijuana long before there was a holiday dedicated to it. And the irony of life—some of them are now politicians.

Celebrate this holiday observance regally. Bring out the chips and salsa, and invite all your college friends from the sixties and seventies—the two or three that are still left after smoking so much of that Mary Jane. Just remember that no party would be complete without a batch of brownies. No, not the kind with that funny little weed—the mint-chocolate-chip kind.

Spunky Old Broads Month (all month): Finally, a weird holiday worth celebrating. At my age, I know lots of spunky old women. Hey, for that matter, I’m one of them. And I find that I keep wondering when I went from Sweet Young Thang to Spunky Ol’ Lady.

At any rate, we Spunky Ol’ Ladies have one thing going for us—we can bake a mean batch of brownies. The mint-chocolate-chip kind.

Note: You might find this holiday particularly appropriate for that mother-in-law problem I mentioned earlier.

Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month (all month): This holiday was instituted for sinners who accidentally, and without malice aforethought, stole shopping carts. It provides the penitent shoplifter with the opportunity to return—without reprisal—the metal contraption that they dragged home for half a mile, with one wheel going bump, bump, bump.

Note: In a personal interview with you, the bishop doesn't usually ask, “Have you ever stolen a shopping cart?” However, now's your chance to vote on the issue. If you think that should be one of the interview questions, leave a comment. Better yet, email your bishop.


FEBRUARY WEEKLY OBSERVANCES

International Hoof Care Week (Feb. 3-6): The last time I counted, Feb. 3-6, was not a full week. It’s more like four days, which gives us a glimpse into the mentality of the person who came up with a holiday to celebrate digging “stuff” out of an animal’s hoof.

Have no fear, however, because by the time you read this, the week-long-holiday-that-only-lasts-four-days will practically be over.

Jell-O Week (Feb. 8-14): For those who always wanted to wrestle another person in a vat of Jell-O, now’s your chance!

Texas Cowboy Poetry Week (Feb. 27- Mar. 1): Apparently, nobody but Texas cowboys can write poetry during this week. It seems unfair to the rest of the cowpokes in the country. It’s my suggestion that the non-Texan cowboys band together and form their own poetry guild. For their membership fee, they could charge a dogie or two. (For the benefit of the non-cowboys reading this, a dogie is an orphaned calf—which eventually becomes steaks and hamburgers. It should not be confused with a doggy, which is a dog—who steals the steaks and hamburgers off your plate.) The non-Texan galoots could also hold their annual poetry conventions in a two-seater outhouse, thereby outdoing the Texans by one whole seat.


FEBRUARY DAILY OBSERVANCES

Hula in the Coola Day (Feb. 1): I have no clue what it means to hula in the coola, but I’m thinking that someone who’s been smoking a little too much Maui Wowie came up with it.

Wear Red Day (Feb. 6): In fairness to BYU graduates around the world, I must protest and insist that the day after this holiday should be called “Wear Blue Day.” Moreover, the day after that should be, “Wear Brown and Gold Day” … for University of Wyoming fans around the country.

All one of them. (That would be me.)

Be Electric Day (Feb. 11): Do you suppose I misread the name of this holiday? I’m thinking it actually said “Be Electrocuted Day,” in honor of those who unthinkingly stuck a fork in the toaster to pull out a crumpled piece of raisin bread … and lived to tell about it.

That would be Russ.


What's playing in my head: Get Along Little Dogies by Gene Autry. (Be sure to check out the fun link on Gene Autry!)

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12 comments:

2lazy4u said...

This is just another example of the old cowboy saying,"You may have read the readin right, but are you sure the one who wrote the readin', wrote the readin' right?"

We actually have a new gathering up in Van Horn, Texas the same weekend with poets showing up from Colorado and other states. Website is http://www.texascrossroadscowboypoeetry.org

This is gong to be a great event to supplement the one in Alpine.

My blog is at
http://cowboyreality.blogspot.com/2008/12/
Bob Kinford

Triple Nickel said...

How fun, I loved it. I'm glad you started with the weed, pot, dope, grass, reefer. It made everything that follows that much funnier. Oops, now I'm hungry.
Thanks for a good one!

Karlene said...

I like the Spunky Old Broads celebration, but in February? It's so cold and dismal, my spunk sunk. How about, "Let's all go to St. George for a Week"? Now that would be somethin' to celebrate.

Heather Justesen said...

I knew there was a reason I didn't write cowboy poetyr--I'm morally opposed to sharing a two-seater outhouse...and actually, I'm not too excited about using any outhouse at all, but if my cooler was big enough, I'd try to do a hoola there (does my basement count? it's got to be below 50 degrees?)

Oz Girl said...

Drat, this spunky old broad missed hoof care "week"... my horses will take me to task for this I'm sure, once I get back to Kansas...

Nichole Giles said...

I'm wondering if I can celebrate that last one, the "Be Electrocuted Day" if I didn't stick a fork in a toaster, but did cause it to blow up with a pop tart? Nearly started the house on fire. I think I should have a holiday dedicated to the fact that I didn't burn my parents' house down.

That would only be due to something I once heard on TV about using baking soda to put out kitchen fires. It was in the kitchen, and the fire was leaping almost to the ceiling, so...

And maybe when we have our book launch party, we can figure out how to Hula in a coola? Did I tell you I have two grass skirts?

Great fun blog.

Nichole

Carolyn said...

That reminds me I need to trim my goat's feet!

I hope the MIL likes her party!

Ronda Hinrichsen said...

As always, you've made me smile. And laugh. Thankie-wankie.

Cheri J. Crane said...

Yay for spunky old broads month, which I understand can even be celebrated by those who hail from Wyoming. ;) Hilarious as always, Cindy.

Rachelle said...

Crazy-silly! Happy February!

Anna Maria Junus said...

Spunky Old Broad Here who is still a Sweet Young Thang in my head.

My mom took shopping carts all the time. She didn't have a car and lived within walking distance of the grocery store. How else do you bring home your groceries?

Danyelle Ferguson said...

I absolutely love your blog. I really needed a smile today. Thanks!!!

BTW - I believe wear red day is to support Heart Disease Awareness for Women - or at least that's what it was for here in Kansas. Check it out.