© Cindy Beck, 2009
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, holidays, observances, 2009, February, Valentine’s, schmaltzy, marijuana, Jell-O, coola, hula, BYU, University of Wyoming, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)
Are you tired of the schmaltzy Valentine’s stuff and wish you could find something else to celebrate in February? Or, has your mother-in-law blacklisted you, and you want to make amends by throwing a holiday party in her honor?
Look no farther. It’s your lucky day! For the paltry fee of $299.99—plus your house, car, and first-born in the wilderness—you can read my list of lesser-known February holidays. In addition, for a mere $100.00* more, you can print out your very own copy.
* Subject to sales tax, shipping, and handling.
FEBRUARY MONTHLY OBSERVANCES
Marijuana Awareness Month (Ooo, far out man! It lasts all month): The second month of the year conjures visions of love, hearts, and flowers … and marijuana. Honest, I’m not making this up. Someone, somewhere—probably a hippie from the sixties—designated February as the month to be aware of marijuana.
However, everyone needs a reason to party, right? And what better reason than the fact that we should all be aware of marijuana? Being converts to the church and knowing a number of interesting people before we joined, I can tell you that my husband, Russ, and I had a few friends in college that were aware of marijuana long before there was a holiday dedicated to it. And the irony of life—some of them are now politicians.
Celebrate this holiday observance regally. Bring out the chips and salsa, and invite all your college friends from the sixties and seventies—the two or three that are still left after smoking so much of that Mary Jane. Just remember that no party would be complete without a batch of brownies. No, not the kind with that funny little weed—the mint-chocolate-chip kind.
Spunky Old Broads Month (all month): Finally, a weird holiday worth celebrating. At my age, I know lots of spunky old women. Hey, for that matter, I’m one of them. And I find that I keep wondering when I went from Sweet Young Thang to Spunky Ol’ Lady.
At any rate, we Spunky Ol’ Ladies have one thing going for us—we can bake a mean batch of brownies. The mint-chocolate-chip kind.
Note: You might find this holiday particularly appropriate for that mother-in-law problem I mentioned earlier.
Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month (all month): This holiday was instituted for sinners who accidentally, and without malice aforethought, stole shopping carts. It provides the penitent shoplifter with the opportunity to return—without reprisal—the metal contraption that they dragged home for half a mile, with one wheel going bump, bump, bump.
Note: In a personal interview with you, the bishop doesn't usually ask, “Have you ever stolen a shopping cart?” However, now's your chance to vote on the issue. If you think that should be one of the interview questions, leave a comment. Better yet, email your bishop.
FEBRUARY WEEKLY OBSERVANCES
International Hoof Care Week (Feb. 3-6): The last time I counted, Feb. 3-6, was not a full week. It’s more like four days, which gives us a glimpse into the mentality of the person who came up with a holiday to celebrate digging “stuff” out of an animal’s hoof.
Have no fear, however, because by the time you read this, the week-long-holiday-that-only-lasts-four-days will practically be over.
Jell-O Week (Feb. 8-14): For those who always wanted to wrestle another person in a vat of Jell-O, now’s your chance!
Texas Cowboy Poetry Week (Feb. 27- Mar. 1): Apparently, nobody but Texas cowboys can write poetry during this week. It seems unfair to the rest of the cowpokes in the country. It’s my suggestion that the non-Texan cowboys band together and form their own poetry guild. For their membership fee, they could charge a dogie or two. (For the benefit of the non-cowboys reading this, a dogie is an orphaned calf—which eventually becomes steaks and hamburgers. It should not be confused with a doggy, which is a dog—who steals the steaks and hamburgers off your plate.) The non-Texan galoots could also hold their annual poetry conventions in a two-seater outhouse, thereby outdoing the Texans by one whole seat.
FEBRUARY DAILY OBSERVANCES
Hula in the Coola Day (Feb. 1): I have no clue what it means to hula in the coola, but I’m thinking that someone who’s been smoking a little too much Maui Wowie came up with it.
Wear Red Day (Feb. 6): In fairness to BYU graduates around the world, I must protest and insist that the day after this holiday should be called “Wear Blue Day.” Moreover, the day after that should be, “Wear Brown and Gold Day” … for University of Wyoming fans around the country.
All one of them. (That would be me.)
Be Electric Day (Feb. 11): Do you suppose I misread the name of this holiday? I’m thinking it actually said “Be Electrocuted Day,” in honor of those who unthinkingly stuck a fork in the toaster to pull out a crumpled piece of raisin bread … and lived to tell about it.
That would be Russ.
What's playing in my head: Get Along Little Dogies by Gene Autry. (Be sure to check out the fun link on Gene Autry!)
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