Adopt a Hamster ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, holidays, observances, 2009, March, hamster, Guinea pig, vampire, chronic fatigue, eye donor, turkey vulture, funny, smile, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)


It’s once again time for Weird and Wacky Holidays, the game where real people create holidays and I poke fun at them (the holidays, not the people). Following that, sophisticated individuals laugh at what I wrote and leave pithy comments, while readers with no sense of humor threaten to send me their leftover Christmas fruitcake.


MARCH MONTHLY OBSERVANCES

Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig (all month): Right now, nine out of ten women/men/vampires reading this are shuddering at the thought of rescuing vermin. And the next question to ask is, where are the Guinea pigs being rescued from? Behind the walls? Under the bed? In the pantry?

All I know is hamsters are cuter, so I vote for an “Adopt a Rescued Hamster Month.” The reasons for this are plentiful. First, you’ll notice the word “pig” is not linked with the word “hamster.” That’s a point in the hamster’s favor every time. Second, hamsters do not make bizarre grunting noises that make you wonder if someone is desperately in need of Ex-Lax. Third, hamsters look fuzzy and cute. I once rescued one from a shoe and Koala was eternally grateful.



Well, okay ... I didn't really rescue her from a shoe. I rescued her from a pet store and the red, plastic boot in the photo was one of her toys. However, after we'd owned her for a couple of months, a conundrum awaited us every morning when we walked out of the bedroom. Namely, the question of what unknown poltergeist had grabbed the end of the bathroom tissue, scrolled it from the bathroom through the hall and wrapped it around the dining room while we slept. We finally solved the mystery one day when we discovered that Koala rested inside her cage on a bed of shredded toilet tissue equivalent to a super-sized roll of Charmin. She’d spent her evenings escaping from her cage, confiscating items and carrying them in her bulging cheeks back to her little home behind bars. She included T.P’ing the house in the process.

National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month (all month): Chronic fatigue exists. It’s a very real problem. I’d tell you more about it, but I’m just too tired to go into it.

National Eye Donor Month (all month): I’m baffled. How can those who’ve donated their eyes read the calendar to learn of this observance? Or, if we assume they’ve passed on and that’s why their eyes were donated, it makes the situation even more baffling. How are they learning about this in the great beyond? Eyes or no eyes, I can only think deceased donors learn this at séances—where the score is even because everyone has their eyes closed, anyway. (If someone reading this blog entry has donated their eyes, please forgive my politically incorrect sense of humor.)


MARCH WEEKLY OBSERVANCES

National Procrastination Week: (Mar. 2-8): I planned to tell you all about this, but decided to wait until next week. Or maybe next year. Whatever.

Turkey Vultures Return to the Living Sign (Mar. 11-17): For once, I’m speechless and have no clue what this holiday title is saying, much less what it means. “Turkey Vultures Return to the Living” (without the word, “sign”), gave me a mental image of zombie vultures, wandering the towns, eating dead cows, and then knocking on the doors of town residents. Something akin to a cross between Alfred Hitchcock’s, “The Birds” and somebody-or-other’s, “Night of the Living Dead.” After exhausting my vast store of resource material (I asked our dog, Corky Porky Pie, what it meant), I went out to the ‘net to see what others thought. The bloggers there seemed just as confused, but amazingly enough, I did find one who imagined a similar scenario. The owner of The Random Yak said, “I’m still a bit stumped by the “living sign” part. Sort of “Night of the Living Dead” meets “National Geographic…

“…Tune in Sunday night at 7 to see the return of the living dead turkey vultures. Watch the massive, undead carrion-eating birds return to their nesting grounds in search of warm climates and newly-dead brains. See the impressive flock feast on roadkill[sic] to gather their strength before hatching a new brood of zombie buzzards to carry on the neverending[sic] search for food…Only on the National Geographic Channel.”

I couldn’t have put it better.

International Brain Awareness Week (Mar. 16-22): All of you who are aware that you have a brain, please raise your hands. Those who are not, please report to the pre-frontal lobotomy clinic.


MARCH DAILY OBSERVANCES

Pig Day (Mar. 1): This, no doubt, has something to do with the Guinea pigs waiting to be rescued from under the bed and behind the walls.

Memory Day (Mar. 21): I had so many things to say about this holiday … but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten what they were.

Viagra Day (Mar. 27): Normally I wouldn’t touch this subject with a thirty-nine and a half-foot pole, but I have an interesting story. A sweet, elderly LDS lady (whose memory was significantly fuzzier than even mine) went to a family reunion. While chatting with a cousin in his fifties, she said, “John, I hear you’re taking Viagra. How’s that working for you?” John’s eyes grew wide and then the woman’s daughter, who stood nearby, gently said, “You mean Zyrtec, Mother—for allergies.”


What's playing in my head: She's Got Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes

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