*C.L. Beck, author*: May 2010

Those Funny Cats ... and Wanchai Ferry Giveaway

Eeee gads, another Monday has rolled around, and in my search for humor (Monday is a day that definitely needs humor) I went out to one of my favorite places, the Cheeseburger Site. Hope you enjoy the photos below as much as I did. If you get a second, leave a comment telling me your favorite—or whatever else you want to tell me—and you'll automatically be entered in the Wanchai Ferry Giveaway.

Speaking of that, Wanchai Ferry (and MyBlogSpark) gave me a package of Wanchai Ferry Frozen Beef and Broccoli to review ... well, actually to eat and then to review ... and it was delish! No kidding, I really liked it. Read more about it after you look at the fun photos, below.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

And now, on to the giveaway ...

Wanchai Ferry Giveaway: June 14-June 25, 2010. The gift pack includes a coupon for Wanchai Ferry Broccoli and Beef, plus a cute tea set. (Mine had two Chinese style tea cups and two tins of organic green tea. Green tea is supposed to be very healthy, but if you're not a tea drinker, you can always give it away to friends!)

Wanchai Ferry's Opinion: Wanchai Ferry frozen entrées are perfect to have on hand for those nights you’re in the mood for Asian cuisine, but would rather enjoy it with a relaxing night in. Available in the freezer section of your local grocery store, Wanchai Ferry frozen entrées come complete with everything you need to make a restaurant quality meal in the comfort of your own home.

The newest Wanchai Ferry flavor, Beef & Broccoli, is the first beef dish in their line of great-tasting, complete Chinese meals for two. Ready to serve in only 14 minutes, Wanchai Ferry Beef & Broccoli comes with tender beef strips, and an assortment of Asian-style vegetables, including broccoli florets, red peppers and water chestnuts. It even includes rice and a rich brown sauce accented with soy and garlic for an authentic flavor experience.

Be sure to try the two additional new flavors of Wanchai Ferry frozen entrées, Kung Pao Chicken and Szechuan Style Chicken, which will soon join five other delicious varieties including Orange Chicken, Shrimp Lo Mein, Spicy Garlic Chicken and Sweet & Sour Chicken. Additionally, all of the entrées have no added MSG!

There is a $1.60 off coupon available at http://bricks.coupons.com/bstart.asp?o=63369&ci=1&c=GM&p=OMaEZjGT. Also check out the website at http://www.wanchaiferry.com/MealTips.aspx later this summer for meal tips to enhance your Wanchai Ferry frozen entrée.

My Opinion: I'm not normally a convenience food fan. I've tried frozen pizza, lasagna, Swedish meatballs, TV dinners, and numerous other convenience meals. Inevitably, I take a bite or two and throw the rest out. For that reason, I was more than pleasantly surprised with the Wanchai Ferry Broccoli and Beef. The meal was easy to prepare and the food actually tasted really good, including the rice. The ingredients were top quality, and I finished my whole plateful!

To Enter the Giveaway: Leave a comment on this blog post before midnight on Friday, June 25, 2010. That's it. How easy can that be? Be sure to leave your email address if you're not a regular reader and I don't already have your address. The winner will be drawn and announced on or before June 28.

(This contest sponsored by Wanchai Ferry and MyBlogSpark^TM. I received a free package of Wanchai Ferry Broccoli and Beef for review and a tea set similar to the one mentioned previously, as a thank you for my participation. My opinions of the product are my own, however. Should the prize go unclaimed, a new winner will be chosen or the prize will be withdrawn, at my discretion and that of MyBlogSpark.)

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A Few Suggestions for Walt Disney ... by C.L. Beck

Epcot Center at Disney World, Orlando, FL

As many of you know, last week I went to Disney World. Well, okay, only three of you actually knew. That's because I try not to announce to all of humankind when I'm going to be gone, and thus prevent burglars from taking up temporary residence in my home. I'm sure none of you are burglars ... well, pretty sure ... but since a few of you might have distant, burglar cousins (and you just don't know that's their livelihood) I prefer to discuss my travels after the fact.

And having clarified that, it's on to tell about Disney World. I doubt there's anyone who's been to the park that didn't find something they loved. However, in the interest of improvement and since I'm now an experienced Disney World Traveler, I feel qualified to state that if Mr. Disney were alive today, there are a few suggestions I'd make to him about his theme park.

1. WATER: Yes, Mr. Disney, there is plenty of water available in your park, but please do not roll over in your grave when I say that almost all of it is in bottles. Bottles that individually cost the yearly salary of an orthopedic surgeon.

Okay, wait. There was a water fountain—maybe even two of them—in the approximately 39 square mile (25,000 acre) park, but water that is at air temperature doesn't count as real water. Real water is cold and does not taste like a Florida swamp.

2. LOCATION: In the winter, Florida is a lovely place. In May, Florida is more like hell. No, seriously, I'm not swearing here; I mean the real hot place, where souls burn and cry out for water. Oh yeah, that's right ... water. See number one, above.

And speaking of Florida, I found out on my return trip home (also known as the Flight from H-ll, thanks to Delta Airlines) that you should never walk your dog near water in Florida. Why? Because the gators will come out and snatch him right off the leash. Hmmm, perhaps chomp him off the leash is more accurate.

Those who've been to Florida understand the logistics with that. It means you can't ever walk the dog anyplace because the entire state is one big, gator infested swamp. The condo where we stayed had lovely ponds which held the bounties of nature. One small pool had minnows swimming in schools, frogs singing at night, birds calling from the shore in the morning ... and an alligator lurking in the dark water.

The condo management did not put one in there by choice. Well, I'm pretty sure it wasn't by choice unless they wanted to get rid of a few tourists. The gator just wandered in and decided to make the pond his home. And considering that I saw another gator walking on the grass a short distance (or "a short piece" as they say in Florida) down the road, I'm thinking gators are as common as high humidity in that sunny state.

Oh yes ... humidity. See number three, below.

3. HUMIDITY: Mr. Disney, you really should do something about that humidity at Disney World. Couldn't you have put the place in a big air-conditioned, climate controlled super dome or something? Temperatures of 130 degrees and 200% humidity is enough to make even Goofy cranky. Not to mention all the little rug rats and crumb crushers that are there hoping to have fun, and instead are throwing up from drinking the Florida swamp water that's in the two water fountains. Mmm-hhh, water fountains. Or the lack thereof. See number one, above.

4. MICKEY, MINNIE, PLUTO AND THE GANG: No suggestions here, Mr. Disney. Who could possibly improve on the Disney characters? Pluto hugged my grandkids as if they were his own, and even helped them turn in the right position for great pictures. My only regret is that he had to leave for his scheduled break before someone could snap my picture with him. The Disney princes and princesses always had a smile, and although I know they were getting paid for it, they always seemed sincere. And despite the fact that I was sticky-hot and thirsty while I was there, Epcot Center and Blizzard Beach more than made up for it.

So ... thank you, Mr. Disney, for a great time. I'm sure I spent the family fortune plus all the money I hoarded from picking up small change in parking lots, but I'd gladly do it again!

(If any of you have gone to the Disney Parks, what was your favorite ride or event? I loved "Soar'n" at the Epcot Center!)

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.

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Genealogy and Family History ... posted by C.L. Beck

I don't usually post the same entry here and at the LDS Humor Blog, but I found these "genealogy funnies" so enjoyable that I didn't want any of you missing them. The bits and pieces of family history correspondence below just prove that those many individuals researching their ancestors are more humorous than most of us believe. Even though the humor is unintentional.

And to think the skeptics thought searching one's family history would be a dead hobby. (Tee hee! Did you get that pun? Okay ... so I did make it up myself. That makes it all the better, right?)

Funny Correspondence Allegedly Sent to the Family History (Genealogy) Department, Salt Lake City, Utah

1. Our 2nd great-grandfather was found dead crossing the plains in the library.

2. He and his daughter are listed as not being born.

3. I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family.

4. Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?

5. My Grandfather died at the age of 3.

6. We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.

7. Documentation: Family Bible in possession of Aunt Merle until the tornado hit Topeka, Kansas. Now only the Good Lord knows where it is.

8. The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn--what do you think?

9. I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children.

10. Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success. Now see what you can do!

11. I have a hard time finding myself in London. If I were there I was very small and cannot be found.

12. This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list.

13. We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy?

14. Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name.

15. A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the U.S., England and Scotland countries? I will do the research."

16. I would like to know how many descendants I really have?
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Did you enjoy those? Which did you find to be the funniest? Drop off a comment and let me know—my favorite was #16!

------Genealogy funnies received in an email from one of our Mormon Mishaps and Mischief contributors, C. LaRene Hall. Original author unknown, blog post © C.L. (Cindy) Beck.------

Impressing Spike and Snarl ... by C.L. Beck

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

The other day an astute reader—Anna Junus—commented on my recent post, Melts in Your Mouth. She asked, "When you call your dog do [you] call 'Come here Corky Porky Pie.' Do you say his whole name every time and do the other dogs like Spike and Snarl tease him?"

To answer Anna's question, yes, sometimes we do call him by his whole name, but a lot of times we just lean out and yell, "Hey you! Dog! Quit eating the neighbor's cat!" Of course, it's only for appearances' sake, to totally impress Spike and Snarl. They think Corky Porky's a big bruiser and since they can't see through our vinyl fence, they never figure out that the Corkster is actually playing with his own pet. An ugly old cat named, "Pretty Kitty," who escorts the dog around the yard, rubbing up against his face and purring his love for Corky.

But I digress ....

Corky Porky Pie comes from a long line of Pembroke Welsh Corgis, and should anyone ever give him a hard time about his name, he can always point to his heritage.

And that's a lot more than can be said about Spike and Snarl, who I'm pretty certain fit into one of the breeds listed below.

Dog Breeds That Just Didn't Make It

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for
visionaries.

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish
Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat
Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog
for financial advisors.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful
mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or
drools) incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it
doesn't matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with
you.

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy
transport.

So, which of those breeds did you find to be the funniest? Take a sec and drop off a comment. I'd love to hear which ones you thought were a hoot. (I liked the Spitz-Chow and the Poinsetter.)

------"Dog Breeds that Didn't Make It," received from The Good Clean Funnies. Remainder of this post © C.L. (Cindy) Beck.------

A $150 Value Giveaway!

Great news! It's time for the Mormon Mishaps and Mischief Giveaway and Blog Tour! And you are seriously going to want to enter, because there's a GREAT prize.

In celebration of Mothers, and all they do for us, Mormon Mishaps authors C.L. Beck (that's me!) and D.N. Giles have put together a giveaway in conjunction with a week-long blog tour. And the coolest part is that we're offering a a fantastic advertising package valued at $150 as the prize.

Think of what you could advertise ... maybe you write a blog, or have a self-published or main-stream published book. Do you sell a service, photos or greeting cards? Are you into selling candles, ribbons, or handmade items? You don't have to be LDS to advertise! Anything you can think of (as long as it meets family values) could be advertised if you win the prize!

Sounds great, doesn't it? It is! And before we go any farther, let us tell you a little about our sponsors, yourLDSneighborhood.com and YourLDSradio.com.

yourLDSneighborhood.com is an online shopping mall which features innovative products and LDS-based services, and great ideas for your home, all without the worries of questionable content. Shopping categories include Clothing, Music, Preparedness, Family Entertainment, Scrapbooking, Books and Art, Health and Food, Travel and Recreation, Weddings and more! Visit yourLDSneighborhood.com today.

Your LDS Neighborhood Newsletter is a free online newsletter that comes three times a week right to your email inbox. It provides topical stories and insights that set the tone for your day. The newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources, and interviews from around the world, all with an LDS focus. Sign up today by clicking here!

YourLDSradio.com commits to bringing you the best in LDS Music – all day, every day and it is totally FREE to listen! Make them your web-surfing companion. It's free and easy to use and makes for the perfect online companion. Listen for yourself at yourLDSradio.com!

Okay, and now for the prize!

Your LDS Neighborhood has offered a YEAR LONG advertising package which includes space on the Neighborhood website as well as tiles in the newsletter. If you were you to purchase this advertising with them, the package would cost $150.

Here’s the best part. You don’t have to be LDS to advertise with the Neighborhood. As long as the business, blog, or product you’re promoting is family friendly, this advertising package will benefit you. Neighborhood ads are viewed daily around the globe, and by thousands of people.

So how do you win?

Entries will be accepted between May 4th and midnight, MST, May 16th. On May 17th, (or as close there about as possible) the winners will be chosen and announced on the LDS Humor blog. You must do the following four things to enter (but don't worry, they aren't hard):

1. Follow my blog, here.
2. Leave a comment here, at this blog.
3. Follow the LDS Humor blog.
4. Follow the Your LDS Neighborhood Newsletter blog.

Extra entries:
1. Blog about this contest, then come back and leave either a url address or a link in a comment.
2. Follow me on Twitter. (Bloggers, you can hyperlink this to your twitter page if you’d like, or include your twitter username.) And then tweet the contest. (Make sure to mention this in a comment.)
3. Facebook the contest. If your Facebook page is private, and I’m not your friend, I can’t see that you’ve done this, so you’ll need to friend me.(Same goes here.) Be sure to leave the link to where you've FB'd the contest in a comment.

All of these options can be mentioned in a single comment, and you can enter at all the participating blogs, as long as you follow and leave a comment for those bloggers so they know you love them.

You may enter this contest here, as well as on any of the tour posts at the following blogs:

May 4th Rachelle Christensen
May 4th Shirley Bahlmann
May 5th Karlene Browning
May 5th Heather Gardener, Fire and Ice Book Reviews
May 6th Kellie Buckner
May 6th Rachel Rager
May 7th Shauna Chambers
May 7th Heather Justesen
May 10th LDS Humor Blog
May 10th Keith Fisher
May 11th Tristi Pinkston
May 11th Rebecca Talley
May 12th Taffy Lovell
May 12th Kimberly Job
May 13th Connie Hall
May 13th Ali Cross

To purchase Mormon Mishaps and Mischief click here.

Frozen Chickens and Overdue Library Books

Today we're discussing the important issue of oil rigs that explode, spilling petroleum over the ocean's surface, making all our fish burgers taste like a barrel of crude. But first, let's talk about an issue of even greater importance ... me!

I just found out I may be a fifth-degree felon. It all started with a library book that I thought my hubby might enjoy reading. If your spouse/significant other is anything like mine, he thinks he wants to read a book, but in actuality wants to turn on the TV and watch chickens being shot from a cannon.

No, no, not live chickens. Frozen chickens.

The live ones would make far too big a mess for the Mythbusters to clean up, and there'd be feathers and chicken sh ... shtuff everywhere. Besides, if you've ever seen the show, you'd know the Mythbuster Dudes are too kind-hearted to use real chickens.

I hope.

At any rate, now that we've taken that little side trip down a dead end track, let me continue. I'd read the mystery story, Hearts in Hiding, by Betsy Brannon Green. It was a fun read, and the plot revolved around an FBI agent and a woman in the witness protection program. Since it took place in Georgia, lots of yummy foods were mentioned. Good ol' southern cuisine like collard greens and chitlins.

No wait, maybe there weren't any chitlins, because the mention of that home-cooked standby might cause the reader to rush to the bathroom and throw up. (What? You didn't know that chitlins are pig intestines?)

Bypassing the idea of chitlins, Green mentioned pork chops and old-fashioned, homemade biscuits. I was sure Russ would love the story, even if he never really caught onto the plot.

"Would you like to read this?" I asked him, a few days before the book was due back at the library. Russ stared at the TV as images of a fresh chicken carcass bouncing off an airplane's windshield shot across the screen. So much for proving the theory that a bird flying into an airliner's windshield can cause a crash.

Taking Russ's silence and stare to mean yes, I continued, "Then I'll renew it, so you can read it."

Russ stared even harder as the Mythbusters fired two frozen chickens in tandem at the airplane, and then he jumped from his seat, cheering.

Yes! I knew he’d be that excited about the book!

The next day, after gentle encouragement—okay, loud nagging—from me, Russ started reading the story. After two or three pages, he uncrumpled a used napkin, slid it in for a bookmark and then stood up from the chair. “I need to go outside and do something.”

My eyebrows arched, “Like what? Paint the house? Fix the car? Those are all things that can wait until you finish the book.”

“Umm, yeah, but what I really need to do … is … umm … oh … is to clean up Corky Porky pies. Yeah, that’s it.”

I pondered that. Who would choose cleaning up doggie poop over reading a book? Probably the same person who’d rather see a frozen chicken hurtling through space.

Two weeks later, the book sat in the same spot. The pizza-stained napkin sat on the same page. I gave Russ my best you’d-better-read-this-book-or-you'll-be-sleeping-on-the-couch look and said sweetly, “Would you like me to renew this for you?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” he replied, watching as the Mythbusters switched from firing frozen chickens to putting a dead pig in a car—supposedly to see if it’s possible to get a rotting flesh smell out of a vehicle.

I stared at the TV, stupefied. Really, who’d want that car, even if they could get the smell out? I’d be afraid the pig would come back to haunt me as I was driving down a back road …

(Scary organ music plays.) It’s a dark and stormy night. Lightening crackles, rain streams down the windshield, and as I round the curve, the car hydroplanes toward an oak tree. From out of thin air, Miss Piggy’s face appears, her pink snot inches from my face as she screams, “Pig killer …”

Just then, the kitchen timer dinged, bringing me back to the reality that the pork chops were going to burn if I didn’t get them out of the oven. I looked from the library book to Russ. “Okay, then, I’ll renew it one more time, but please finish reading it before it ends up being returned late.”

Russ leaped from his seat and cheered. Maybe he really was looking forward to finishing the book.

Three weeks later, it sat in the same spot. The pizza-stained napkin had more sauce on it, but it was still on the same page. Worse yet, the book was now overdue.

And that’s when I remembered the news headline I'd read a few months earlier at Breibart.com: “Unreturned library book leads to woman’s arrest.” Some poor schnook in Iowa had failed to return her library book, and they’d sicced the cops on her.

Can you imagine that? Arrested for an unreturned library book! Hmmph! It was undoubtedly her husband’s fault. And now I was probably a fifth-degree felon myself.

Well, all I have to say is if I'm going to jail, it’d better be for a crime more worthwhile than failing to return a book on time. I’m thinking something like beating Russ over the head with a couple of frozen chickens would do it.

And hey, that might even get me on Mythbusters.

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

Burning Oil Rig: Photo by US Coast Guard
Chickens: Photo by Herrick, Wikimedia Commons

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.

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