Words of Wisdom from Miss Knows-Nothing ... by C.L. Beck

Image by the Coca Cola Company, Wikimedia Commons

C.L. Beck: Although it is not my normal inclination to enter arenas of sensitive, public opinion, today I have a guest who has no problems speaking her mind on any subject and rarely often utters great words of wisdom. With that being said, I’d like to welcome readers to another episode of “Miss Knows-Nothing.” As you may remember from a past blog, Miss Knows-Nothing is that wonderful, church-going woman who wears high hair and white gloves. She’s currently finishing out her second term as a U.S. senator. Not long ago, she wrestled an alligator that fell in her cesspool and is reported to have said, “It was much like having dinner with certain members of Congress.”

Our first question for the esteemed Senator comes from a professor of horticulture who teaches at Brigham Young University—otherwise known by single LDS adults as B.Y.Woo–who asks:

Illustrious BYU Prof: Autumn is on its way and I’d like for my tomatoes to ripen faster. What can I do?

Miss Knows-Nothing: Go out to the garden and stare at them. This will embarrass the tomatoes and they’ll turn red.

Illustrious BYU Prof
: But what should I do if I see a bug on one of them?

Miss Knows-Nothing:
According to my extensive knowledge gained from watching James Bond, you shouldn’t talk. Then the bug won’t pick up your voice.

C.L. Beck:
Thank you for those great questions, sir. Now, let’s try someone new. How about that lady waving her hand in the back?

Waving Lady:
So pleased to meet you, Miss Knows-Nothing. I’m a harried housewife—

Miss Knows-Nothing: You’re a hairy housewife? Oh, you poor dear. Try electrolysis.

Waving Hairy Lady: No, no, not hairy. Harried. I’m a harried housewife and am considering buying a robot vacuum cleaner to help with the cleaning. Do you think this is a good idea?

Miss Knows-Nothing:
In theory, a robot vacuum cleaner vacuums the floors. In actuality, they head for the nearest couch and jam themselves under it. This happens approximately every thirty seconds, thereby dispelling the notion that robot vacuum cleaners actually give you time to do something other than unstick stuck vacuum cleaners. I have one named Myrtle, so I should know.

Waving Hairy Lady:
Besides cleaning the house, I have another problem. I feel like a failure as a mother because every time I give my toddler a vitamin he spits it out, hitting his brother in the head with it. What should I do?

Miss Knows-Nothing:
Tell the brother to stand else elsewhere.

C.L. Beck: Yes. Okay then. Enough questions from the hooey-palooey wonderful people in the back. Let’s hear from the dictator of Venezuela, Hugo Ch├ívez, over there in the corner.

El Dictator: Not long ago, I got a piece of bread wedged in the toaster and when I stuck a fork in to retrieve it, I was almost electrocuted. What can I do about that?

Miss Knows-Nothing: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Maybe a wet fork would do it.

Oh, you mean about the bread? Don’t worry about that. Burning toast is a great way to test the kitchen smoke detector.

All of which reminds me of a related thought I had today. If you take your dog for a walk on a mountain trail, you’re expected to clean up his doggy-doody.

If you take your horse for a walk on that same trail, you are not expected to clean up his horse-hockey. Go figure.

C.L. Beck:
Umm … very profound. Next question, please. The little man in the uniform, on the front row.

Little Uniformed Dude: Speaking of doggy-doody, I’m the caretaker for the city cemetery and we leave the gates open for the public during the day, but loose dogs run through. What action should the city council take to correct this problem?

Miss Knows-Nothing: They could follow the example of my esteemed colleagues in Congress and present a bill, then discuss it, then filibuster it, then table it until after the holidays. Or you could just close the gates and the public can open them when they want to enter the grounds. When my hubby and I were at the cemetery the other day, we noticed a “No Dogs Allowed” sign. Apparently our city council thinks the loose dogs can read.

C.L. Beck: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hate to bring this exciting bloginar to an end but I’m afraid that’s all the time there is for today. If any of you have a question for Miss Knows-Nothing, you can mail it to her at:

Miss Knows-Nothing
C/O Congress That Does Nothing
Washington, D.C. 20510

As an alternative, you may speak your question directly into your computer screen, which is being monitored for political correctness by the CIA, FBI, and the USDA.

Or better yet, leave a comment below.

[Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by Miss Knows-Nothing are entirely her own and do not represent the opinions of any organization, person, place, animal, vegetable, or mineral.]

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

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Amanda said...

a wonderful way to start my day with a laugh. Thanks for your insight and wit. love it.

Triple Nickel said...

I think I voted for this person! Or at least someone very much like her!
Thanks for a fun blog.

Melinda said...

That was a hoot! Thanks

Rachelle Christensen said...

Thanks for the smiles! Hee, hee, you are too funny.

Slamdunk said...

I think I have a relative just like Miss Knows Nothing.

Also, in my post tomorrow, I included a link to your previous post with the penguin video--great stuff.

Janice said...

I want to know why my daughter (who says she is not a picky eater) always has at least one complaint about what I fix for dinner. Any insight?

Lisa said...

Oh my. This was just what I needed at 5:32 a.m. Very funny.