Nutmeg: It's Not Just for Pie Anymore ... by C.L. Beck

(Tags: nutmeg high, high on nutmeg, smoking nutmeg)

Today we're discussing the pressing topic of whether Congress will give us back our tax cuts or if instead they plan to put us all in the poor house. But first, let's talk about something of even greater importance: nutmeg!

The latest scuttlebutt making the rounds is—

Wait ... for those who don't know what "scuttlebutt" is, we'll break it down. "Scuttle" means to run around like cockroaches when the lights are turned out. (Not that any of us would know about cockroaches from experience.) The other half of the word, "butt," is the part of the anatomy a person sits on when doing nothing. Hence, "scuttlebutt" would be the cockroaches in Congress who sit on their butts doing nothing.

Oh, dang, I'm not sure how the words "in Congress" got in that last line. Gremlins, I suppose ... but ... I digress.

So, over the past few days, Yahoo News carried articles on kids smoking nutmeg. No, I am not nutty as a nutmeg, although the kids smoking the stuff must be. The info on nutmeg is entirely true ... well, as true as things from the Internet can be. And for your further edification, I've provided a real transcript—well, as real as things from my mind can be—from a conversation between two drug users.

Newbie Druggie: Ooo, far out man. What are we smoking today?

Professional Junkie: We're smoking nutmeg.

Newbie Druggie: Cool! I'll just stuff this piece of pumpkin pie in a pipe and smoke it.

Professional Junkie (as Newbie Druggie turns blue from inhaling pie) : I don't think that's how you do it. Let me go out to YouTube and watch the videos that show—

We interrupt this fictitious true conversation to warn you that there really are instructional videos on YouTube explaining how to smoke nutmeg. However, for your safety, we have not included links since there is a likelihood that the ATF is monitoring the place. Or maybe it's the FDA. Then again, it could be the YMCA.

And now, back to our highly educational discussion ...

Professional Junkie (staring at computer screen): Whoa, there's an awesome video out here on some book called Mormon Mishaps and Mischief by C.L. Beck and D.N Giles. But, bummer, it doesn't say how to smoke nutmeg. Let me try another clip.

Okay, this one says sprinkle the nutmeg on paper, roll it up, and light it.

Newbie Druggie (looking around): But dude, there's no paper in this room!

Professional Junkie: Yeah, I already tried smoking the newspaper to see if the ink would get me high, but all it did was flare up and burn off my eyebrows.

Newbie Druggie: No way, man! I always thought you were born that way.

Professional Junkie: Listen, go in the bathroom and get a bunch of toilet paper. We'll roll the nutmeg in that.

Newbie Druggie (returning with a long string of toilet paper that extends down the hall and into the bathroom): I kept it attached to the roll so if we need more, all we have to do is give a pull.

Professional Junkie: Most excellent idea, dude!

Newbie Druggie (lights the nutmeg joint and inhales deeply, never noticing as the toilet paper flares and fire runs down the line of TP like a fuse on dynamite): Oooo, far out. Cool colors on the ceiling and ... aaack, my nose hairs are on fire! Call the fire department!

Professional Junkie: Bummer, dude. Gotta split, but here's the phone.

And so ends our educational tête-à-tête for today. Tune in to future blogs where, on that night when the planets align and I win a Pulitzer prize, we'll discuss the pros and cons of smoking banana peels.

In the meantime, remember ... they don't call it "dope" for nothing!

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

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Daron D. Fraley said...

I'm sure glad you got us all straightened out.

For a minute there I thought you were a purveyor of Pie-For-A-High.

Slamdunk said...

I am sure somewhere in the world, someone is viewing your post and getting strange ideas.

Cathy said...

Carpe Crustolum, or seize the pastry, never meant to smoke it, man. What a twisted world. How could the use of such a tasty seasoning go so very wrong.

Watchman said...

Oh, my favorite subject matter: igniting toilet paper. I knew I'd see it if I just waited long enough. Great story on politics, morals, and making the most of one's holiday.

By the way, why IS it called dope? You have to be one to do it or you transform into one after you do?

Taffy said...

Smoking nutmeg? Why not pumpkin pie spice? Or ginger? I like ginger.

Nichole Giles said...

He he. Funny. And what a cool video about Mormon Mishaps and Mischief. Great idea to post it!