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Dried Plum Digestive Month ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, holidays, observances, 2009, Presidential inauguration, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)



In the dreary days of January, when ice storms wipe out the power in half the country, and the credit card bills from Christmas wipe out the savings accounts in the other, it’s vitally important to have something to look forward to. Yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, and no, I was not in reference to looking forward to the Presidential Inauguration. With all the media hype taking place, that’s more like looking forward to a root canal.

So, here it is—fresh from someone’s demented mind—a list of monthly, weekly, or daily reasons to party. And if it turns out you missed the celebration already, there’s always next year.

JANUARY MONTHLY OBSERVANCES

California Dried Plum Digestive Month (all month): First, let me point out that the California Dried Plum Board obviously is too ashamed to call a spade a spade. Or in this case, a prune a prune. I vote for renaming them the Old Dried Prune Board. And because of the effect that dried “plums” have on most of us—as well as to provide balance and harmony in the universe—I propose a National Kaopectate Month in February.

International Change Your Stars Month (all month): Okay, I’m game for this. I’d like to exchange the North Star for Betelgeuse. No, not BeetleJuice the movie, but the red, supergiant star whose name sounds a lot like BettleJuice.

Oh wait, maybe they didn’t mean that kind of star. In that case, I’d like to change my husband, Russ, into Cary Grant.

Hmm, that might be a problem since Cary Grant is dead. Guess I’ll take Pierce Brosnan instead.

Oatmeal Month (all month): I’m thinking they meant Oatmeal Cookie Month, because no one in their right mind would eat oatmeal for an entire month. Okay, I take that back, Russ would … but I did say, “no one in their right mind.”

JANUARY WEEKLY OBSERVANCES

Silent Record Week (Jan. 1-7): What kind of records? Computer records? Criminal records? Vinyl records? Your guess is as good as mine … but ssshh, guess quietly.

Cuckoo Dancing Week (Jan. 11-17): I’m not sure if the National Cuckoo Board means dancing with the cuckoos in the clock, or the cuckoos in the mental hospitals. At any rate, I’m sure I’d prefer performing the foxtrot with a little wooden bird, over attempting the tango with a guy wielding a chain saw.

Oh, maybe I should send that idea in to Tom Bergeron and Dancing with the Stars. Freddie Krueger could be one of their celebrity dancers.

National No Tillage Week (Jan. 14-17): With the possible exceptions of the residents of Texas (home of Tommy Lee Jones, Gila monsters, and rattlesnakes), Florida (home of the hanging chad and alligators big enough to eat a man), and California (home of the “Governator”), I doubt anyone in the U.S will have a problem not tilling during these short four days.

Yah, sure, you betcha … especially in Minnesota, the land of 10,000 frozen lakes … and in Salt Lake City, the land of the frozen inversion.


JANUARY DAILY OBSERVANCES

Judgment Day (Jan. 17): You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Judgment Day was last Saturday and since you’re here, reading this, you were not banished to outer darkness.

Answer Your Cats’ Questions Day (Jan 22): Honest, I am not making this up, because if I were, it would be called, Ask Your Cat a Question Day. I always wanted to know what mouse tastes like … but not enough to try one.

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (Jan. 26): Let me just say, for the record, that I am eternally grateful for bubble wrap. But not as grateful as I am that Judgment Day is over and I’m still here.


What's playing in my head: Day-O by Harry Belafonte.

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5 comments:

Triple Nickel said...

Facinating, but how could you miss the most important event? This year is the year dedicated to "Taking Care of your Hubby Year!" Maybe you could mention that next time. Even if you just notify my wife of this it would be much appreciated!!!
Thanks for a great blog.

Cheri J. Crane said...

I survived judgment day? Whew!!! =) The rest of the year should be a piece of cake, eh?

Melanie said...

You are too funny! It just drips from you. I can't imagine living with you. Russ has to eat boroing oatmeal to balance himself out.

I've been trying to get you through email. Perhaps I have a bad address. Would you drop me a line? Thank ya doll!

Karlene said...

I know your opinion of me will now crash into the negative numbers, but I quite enjoy oatmeal. Sometimes I eat it for lunch or dinner. I used to eat my oatmeal totally plain, with just a little splash of milk. But as you age, your tastebuds change and now I add a little cinnamon, walnuts, cottage cheese and Splenday. (Did I just make you throw up a little?)

ali said...

ROFL!! That was hysterical Cindy. I had no idea there were so many commemorative days/months/whatever. Who in the world thinks up these things, names them or ... ???

Now, I can get behind Talk Like A Pirate Day (can't remember when it is) but Arrr me matey, that thar is a fun 'un.