Never Kiss a Llama ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, advice, llama, loogie, shower, fire, battery, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)

In today’s frustrating world of plague, pestilence, and boys’ pants that fall off their butts, life can seem annoying and exasperating. Therefore, out of the kindness of my heart and love for my readers—okay, mostly because I had a blog due for the Neighborhood—I thought I’d share a few things I’ve learned that make life easier.

1. No matter how cuddly they look, never kiss a llama.

I’m sure the logic here is clear, but if not, I’ll expound. Llamas like to spit. I don’t mean just flinging a small dab of saliva; I mean the real thing. As they say in the hood, “That dude can hock a loogie!”

Although I’ve never actually been nailed by a llama, I’ve had close encounters of the worst kind. Take my word for it, the last thing you want is a blob of llama loogie hanging from your lips.

2. Never shower naked. As soon as you do, a fire will start in your kitchen or a terrorist will blow up your car, at which point you’ll be forced to jump out of the shower and run through the house as naked as the day you were born. Only taller and a whole lot heavier. And dripping a lot more water.

Even though no one has blown up my car lately … okay, ever … my hot water heater once developed a sudden urge for toasted marshmallows and lit the wall on fire—while I was in the shower. And naked, of all things. I’d tell you more about it, but I have to save some thoughts for another day.

3. Never lick frosting off a sharp knife. (I’ve referred to this fleetingly in the past, and you can read about it here.) The other day I noticed my knives felt dull, so I thought it safe to use a steak knife as a spatula, and frosted a cake with it. Since food on a knife-turned-spatula does not count as real food, there are no calories. Grasping this perfect opportunity by the horns …er, I mean, handle … I ran my tongue over the creamy chocolate that covered the dull edge. Kemo Sabe now speak with forked tongue.

4. Never recharge a battery by attaching it to wires and sticking them in an electrical outlet. This may seem elementary to most people, but not to my whiz-kid son, who tried it. The loud “zzzzzzzzzt” and the fact that the lights flickered should have been a clue for him. I think, however, it was the singed eyebrows that convinced him it wasn’t such a hot idea. Or maybe that it was a hot idea!

No, I am not a neglectful mother. He was working on a Scouting merit badge. No, the merit badge instructions did not suggest he stick wires into an electrical outlet. He came up with that bright idea on his own.

5. Never pray for snow. Just before Christmas, my friend, Nichole Giles, bought snow toys for her kids. Pleasant Grove was snowless, so she asked me to pray for the fluffy stuff. I’m sure it was because she felt I had a hotline to heaven. Okay, maybe not. It was probably because she knows I have faith in prayer. Well, all right, it wasn’t that either. It was because I happened to be the one she was emailing at the time.

Before I had the chance to even do much more than think about praying for snow, the stuff started falling … and falling … and falling. Nichole pleaded with me to stop praying. (See Nichole’s Musings.)

Another friend who lives in Pleasant Grove, Karlene Browning, will come after me with an Uzi (not that she's the violent type or anything) when she finds out I'm the one who is at least partially responsible for the fluffy-turned-despicable stuff that fell in her backyard. All seventeen inches of it. (See InkSplasher.)

Honest, I didn’t ask for that much snow! However, I do apologize to the entire town of Pleasant Grove, Utah (population 29,376) and promise I’ll never even think about praying for snow again.

But hey … if they need rain in the spring, they should feel free to call me.

What's playing in my head: The Rain, the Park and Other Things by the Cowsills. (I must be longing for spring if that song is in my head.)

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Anonymous said...

Couldn't resist the llama. I am new to blogging and have been surfing around looking for some good writers to read/follow.

Glad I found you :)

Karlene said...

Oh, so you're the reason behind all this snow. Make it stop and I'll take back all the evil things I'm thinking about you right now. :)

(It started again last night, btw.)

Cheri J. Crane said...

Hilarious as always, Cindy. =D I've also learned it's not good to lick the beaters when they're in motion. Trust me on that one. ;)

Danyelle Ferguson said...

You crack me up! I just love reading your stories!!!

Anna Maria Junus said...

I really need to visit more often.

Unknown said...

Okay, here goes for a trial comment with link :-)
Thanks for helping me out, Cindy. You're a gem.

I tried using the 'target' thing and it wouldn't allow that. Am now trying the basic link.

I can't guarantee a win, but do please enter this week's contest at Not Entirely British, each and every week.

Unknown said...

Found your blog in a roundabout way (thru Zazzle)... love your humorous writings. And I must agree with Cheri re: the beaters... :)