Error, Does Not Compute by C.L. Beck

© C.L. Beck 2008

(Keywords: computer, quill pen, error, computer error, error message, mouse, cheese, stack, programmer, hen, rooster, C.L. Beck, writer, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Despite a nostalgic bent for old-fashioned writer’s tools—the quill pen always looked cute to me—I can’t seriously argue that any previous inventions were ever as handy as the computer.

With a computer, a writer can whip out a story in no time, use grammar and spell check to improve the manuscript, and then delete any errors in the blink of an eye. It can be saved as a file on the hard drive, a CD or on a zip drive. Come flood, earthquake, or mud slide, multiple backups ensure all is not lost.

Armed with that knowledge and counting on the computer's speed, I sat down one night not long ago to work on one of my humor columns. Despite the fact that the clock showed only two hours before midnight, I figured I could whip it out in no time.

I wrote the first two paragraphs in thirty seconds and paused for a minute.

The only sound in the room was the quiet of my thoughts (which included a nagging feeling that I should do a backup) and the whirring of the computer fan in the night. A feeling of bliss permeated the air. That is, until an error message appeared out of nowhere:

ERROR: e4G@fdkcokpv^&589yRG j=+-uHG683{=+#BFGvilxxya]404
We know you don’t understand this. We did that on purpose. Click OK.

Where had the message come from? Were there little men in my machine who knew when I made an error? What error had I made? And why?

Thinking I must have hit a wrong key, I moved my mouse to highlight and delete the message, only to get another:

MOUSE ERROR: Mouse was moved without permission. Windows must be restarted for the move to take effect. Click OK.

Knowing my word processing program had done an automatic backup, I followed the instructions and restarted the computer. In the two hours it took the infernal machine to re-boot, I could have written the column by hand.

When I finally got back to my word processing program, it had backed up my text in Chinese and I was ready to shoot the thing. It must have sensed my hostility, because it sent another message:

INTERNAL ERROR: Stack overflow. Internal stack has come unstacked. Click OK.

There's a stack? A stack of what? I was beginning to think it could only be a stack of mentally unbalanced programmers.

Fidgeting at the thought of a discombobulated stack, I accidentally bumped my mouse. My computer blinked, hiccupped, and all my Chinese writing disappeared. I would have throttled the stupid mouse, except I was afraid if I moved it, it would eat my cheese.

Using stealth, I started typing all over again. Just as I began wrapping up my thoughts, I got another error message:

ERROR, ERROR, ERROR: User has made another error. Replace user. Click OK.

Replace user?

Every writer has her own ethical guideline to follow. LDS writers have an even stricter code. Believe me when I tell you it's for that reason alone I didn't call the computer a “bleeping so and so” when it suggested replacing me.

By now the sun was rising, peeking over the ridge. I picked up my computer, lugged it outside and threw it into the henhouse, where it made a fine nesting box for Henny Penny.

Then I hunted for the old rooster. I was certain he wouldn’t mind donating a tail feather so I could make a quill pen.

What's playing on my radio: Nothing
What's playing on my TV: Nothing.
What's playing in my head: Nothing. I'm just a big blank today:)

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