Not the Colonel’s Chicken, Part II, by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck 2008
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, Colonel Sanders, chicken, chicks, birds, peep, grasshoppers, oatmeal, hot dogs, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Not long ago, I related an anecdote from my exceptionally short career as a chicken farmer. If you missed it, visit "Not the Colonel's Chicken" in the archives for this site.

For those who’ve already read it, you’ll remember I had the brilliant idea to feed our flock of chickens left-over, cooked oatmeal. Waste not; want not—that’s my motto. The hens pecked at the glop, which collected into sticky wads that enlarged as the birds tried to clean their beaks in the dirt. From that experience, I learned poultry have the IQ of a grasshopper—which coincidentally, is how the next event occurred.


“Hey look,” I said to my three-year-old son, Davey. “Chickens eat grasshoppers.” We watched the hens flapping their bronze-red wings as they zeroed in and fought over the helpless bug that had mistakenly leaped into the pen.

It gave me an idea. “We could herd grasshoppers to them,” I said with enthusiasm.
We walked into the weeds 20 feet away and waved our arms, trying to drive the long-legged hoppers into the pen. It was like trying to herd minnows. When we were done, we’d managed to shoo two beetles and a mosquito into a pen of 50 chickens. You can imagine the fight that ensued.

Giving up, Davey and I started back to the house to fix lunch. “Don’t tell Daddy we tried to herd grasshoppers,” I said.

“Why?” he asked, his blue eyes bright with curiosity.

“Because Daddy has this silly notion that Mommy comes up with crazy schemes.”

“Schemes? What’s a ‘schemes’?” he asked.

“The nutball ideas that Daddy thinks up,” I explained.

Lunch was hot dogs—not my favorite. We ended up with a few left on the plate. “What can we do with left-over hot dogs?” I asked Davey.

He replied, “Eat them for supper.” Obviously, a three-year-old is clueless about what constitutes a good meal.

I scratched my head. “Maybe we can feed them to the chickens.”

Davey nodded in agreement. Somehow, it felt like déjà vu.

I consulted my chicken manual. It didn’t say anything about feeding hot dogs to chickens—I don’t know why. Probably a lack of real-world education on the part of the author. But if the birds liked grasshoppers, hot dogs had to be fine.

Remembering the oatmeal fiasco—and opting not to give 50 chickens CPR because they were choking on whole wieners—I sliced the hot dogs into round, one inch pieces.

We marched to the coop, pieces of meat in hand and flung them into the pen. The hens gathered and clucked their excitement at something new.

No sooner was I back in the house when I heard Davey yell, “Mommy, Daddy, something’s wrong with the chickens!”

Definitely déjà vu.

My husband, Russ, and I raced to the hen house. The birds milled about, flapping their wings.
“They must be sick,” I said, watching them shake their heads as if they had palsy.

Russ looked puzzled. “They’ve got something stuck on their beaks.”

“That’s weird.” I replied, wondering if I could beat him back to the house before he figured it out.

“It looks like … like they’ve speared pieces of hot dog,” he said, peering intently at the birds. The hens “ba-wahked” softly as if trying to give him a clue. I turned and stepped toward the house, but before I had a chance to expand my talents as a sprinter, Russ grabbed my hand and said, “What have you tried now?”

“It’s perfectly logical,” I said. “Chickens eat grasshoppers. Grasshoppers are meat. Hot dogs are meat. Therefore, chickens eat hot dogs.”

“Yes, in small bits. Instead, you gave them a bulls-eye to peck.”

I looked at the hens, their beaks held fast by a ring of hot dog. “You know, I don’t think your suggestion of raising poultry was such a good one,” I said.

“My suggestion?” Russ dropped my hand in surprise.

I waved in the direction of the hens, which were still preoccupied with getting hot dogs off their beaks. “Yes, we’re not cut out to be chicken farmers.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Russ replied.

“So the next time an idea like this comes up—” I stepped out of reach and flashed him a wicked grin, “—let’s raise pigs!”

What's playing in my head: The Oscar Mayer Wiener Song (Written by Richard D. Trentlage)

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Karlene said...

Oh, that was just hilarious. I laughed out loud. I thought your first chicken story was funny, but this was even funnier. Thanks for the chuckle.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Glad you enjoyed it. There's nothing like a true chicken story to brighten up one's day! :)

Hope you checked out the links ... one went to a story about a women who actually performed CPR on a chicken! (That's a brave woman, if you ask me!)

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

Cathy said...

Did you know that you can string ducks on a rope. True story. You tie a bit of bacon fat to the front of a string and let one duck eat it. Soon it will go right on through and and so on, till you've got ducks on a string. Scary, eh. I've got a girlfriend who claims her brother did it. Just wanted to add to your poultry collection.
Great chicken story, by the way.