Metafores and Asimilies ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2008
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, metafore, simile, grammar, English grammar, biscuits, Connect Four, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

I’m sure I’ve never met a fore or a simile that I didn’t like. That is, if I could remember what a metaphor or a simile is. There’s a composition and grammar book sitting on my desk that I refer to constantly, but when I went to look those terms up, my glasses had gone into hiding and the words looked like little ants. However, my less than 20-20 vision did tell me I could learn about meta-sores and similax in the book. (This might also explain why my biscuits are as heavy as bricks and just as tasty when I follow a recipe without wearing my glasses,)

Eventually the glasses turned up in the laundry basket and after putting them on, I immediately started on matters of high priority. I opened my email and found the joke of the day from the "Good, Clean Funnies List." That's when I discovered I'm not the only one who can't tell a metaphor from a semaphore from Connect Four.

Thinking you would enjoy these, I've pasted a portion of the email below for your reading pleasure. It’s a safe bet the analogies listed are metaphors … or maybe similes. It’s not a safe bet that they’re good ones.

------------ --------- -------
These are actual analogies found in high school essays.

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.

- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.

- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing

- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.

(Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100 , Harvest , AL 35749 , USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl. net/latest. php)

What's playing in my head: The sound of crickets as they sing their last summer songs.

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Anonymous said...

I love these!

I posted a list like this on a bulleting board online once, and made one of the other members really angry. He thought it was inappropriate to laugh at these.

That just made me laugh harder - since he was a college professor!

Karlene said...

Funny. :)

Cathy said...

I love the one about the garbage truck backing up. It just sounds so much like something one of my boys would say, and mean it.