Miss Knows-Nothing ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2008
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, moving truck, Miss Knows-Nothing, cat, dog, Disneyland, Klingon, Latter-day Saints, LDS, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Welcome to the first (and possibly last) episode of “Miss Knows-Nothing.” She's an LDS woman wearing high hair and white gloves, who recently won a medal of Pope John for correctly answering why round pizzas come in square boxes.

Our first set of questions comes from a harried woman who asks:

Q: I have six children and would like to move to a child-friendly area. Can you give me any suggestions?

A: Try Disneyland. Or possibly Wal-Mart. If none of those appeals, try a Klingon battleship.

Q: Also, I own three cats and two dogs. We’re renting a do-it-yourself moving truck. What’s the best way to move the animals?

A: Let’s address the issue of the cats. Unless you want your couches to resemble confetti, and your rugs used as a litter box, it’s best not to put them into the moving truck. In fact, I wouldn’t consider putting them in when the truck isn’t moving, either. Try a sturdy carrier of some kind. Under no circumstances should you consider a cardboard box even remotely sturdy. I know this as personal experience from my numerous moves. Some of which were done in the dead of night with the landlord close behind. In one particular instance—not only done in the dead of night but also in the middle of a Wyoming blizzard—I hastily threw the cat in a box and roared off down the road. In a matter of minutes, the cat shredded the box with its fangs and claws, climbed out, and perched on my shoulders for the remainder of the thirteen-hour drive. Every time I turned a corner, it hung on by unsheathing its claws and attaching them to my skin … thus giving me multiple body piercings.

It’s my suggestion you use a steel vault to move your cats. Or an empty freezer.

As for your dogs … perhaps you could tie them to the mirror and they could run along side?

Q: I want to attend my new ward on the first Sunday after we move in—

A: That’s not a question; it’s a statement.

Q: What’s the best way to make new friends on the first day in church?

A: It’s a good learning experience for your kids to help pack, so have them put their church clothes and shoes in a box that they’ll recognize. Maybe they could draw a picture of a church on it with crayons. No, not on the clothes, on the box. Have your husband do the same, although if he knows how to write he could actually pen the words, “Stuff I need right away.” On that first Sunday, everyone should pull out the contents and get dressed. Don’t feel discouraged if your kids packed their Halloween costumes instead of dresses and good slacks. Or if your husband packed his parka and hunting boots. Wearing them to church will just increase the number of people who smile at you.

What's playing in my head: Movin' On Up, written by Ja'net Du Bois and Jeff Barry.

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