How to Make Money Blogging When You're a Redneck... by C.L. Beck

Photo by US Coast Guard, Wikimedia Commons

Today we're discussing that highly relevant topic of whether or not the BP oil spill was actually an act of economic and environmental terrorism. But first, let's talk about something of even greater import—how to make money blogging when you're a redneck.

In this day and age of a tightened economy, and even tighter jeans worn by country western signers, it’s vitally important to know how to pick up a few dollars here and there. According to highly qualified experts like Dwight Yokum, Alan Jackson, and Frizz-Bee, the dog, we have the inalienable right, as American citizens, to blog.

I’ve tried blogging myself, and I can tell you it’s a fast, easy way to earn money. Well, as long as you do it the correct way. You can’t just write on any ol’ topic, such as “How to make your millions in the stock market.” A topic like that won’t get you any hits at all because we’ve all been fleeced by that one before and have nothing left to invest.

Okay, back up just a minute. Did I hear you ask, “What’s a hit?”? Well, if you're a redneck, it’s when someone takes a 2x4 to the back of your head and you’re not looking. Not that you could see it coming even if you wanted to, since you don’t have eyes in the back of your head.

To the rest of the world, though, a hit is when people stop at your web page. It doesn’t mean they have to read it. Maybe they stopped there by accident and were actually looking for creative ways to trim ear hair. Nope, as they say in redneck country, it makes no never mind.

But, those accidental hits aren’t going to bring you in much money, so you need to pick a good redneck topic if you want your friends to read it. Something like, “How to choose someone beside your first cousin as your future spouse” would be a good one. Or even, “How my Uncle Earl became my Aunt Earline.” That one worked well for me.

Next, type the article up on the library's computer, and print off a passel of them. Then go down to the local hardware store, where John-Bob boy works, and ask him to give you a few left over 2x4s so that you can build a little stand. After building it, go in and ask your mama or your sweetie … hopefully they’re not one and the same … if it’s okay if you make some hooch lemonade. Sell your blog article for $5 at the stand, and give away a glass of white lightening lemonade with each one that you sell. That’s called multi-marketing and you’ll have people from all over the county lined up to buy that blog article.

Another method that works well is to wait until your sweetie or your mama … once again, hopefully they are not one and the same … has gone to work, then drag the sofa, love seat, and other stuff that’s just cluttering up the house onto your lawn. Be sure not to put the big screen TV or your La-Z-Boy out there because Betty-Jo McCoy knows a good bargain when she sees one, even if she does have eyebrows that run together and needs to shave her upper lip. Having her walk off with your fifty-two inch, wide screen TV strapped to her back will bring almost as many tears to your eyes as pulling nose hairs.

Once you’ve put all your furniture out on the lawn—not too close to your old ’57 Chevy pickup that’s up on blocks, because someone might think it’s for sale, but someplace close to that old wringer washing machine that you promised you’d take to the dump ten years ago—rip off a piece of duct tape. Yes sir, I realize I forgot to tell you to bring the duct tape outside with you, but any redneck worth his salt has a roll of duct tape in his hip pocket.

Tape a copy of your blog to each piece of furniture, and taking a big piece of corrugated tin from the outhouse roof, write up a sign that says, “Blog articles, $7.50 each. Furniture free. PS: Do not touch my ’57 Chev pickup, or you’ll be whistlin’ the tune to ‘Deliverance’ through missing front teeth.”

That's all you need to do. Then sit back and watch the money roll in.

And what should you do if you’re from someplace other than redneck country? Well, bless your heart, it’s the same process, only you sell your blog article along with your hooch lemonade, on craigslist.

[Other than the above methods, have you made any money blogging? Better yet, have you made any money selling lemonade or do you carry duct tape in your pocket? Leave a comment and let us know!]

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

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Slamdunk said...

Thanks for the laugh Cindy. I promise to never use any of your suggestions. Well, never to use them again that is... haha

Carol L. said...

lol lol We used to tease my Dad about his use of duct tape and he's not even a redneck. lol Too funny. Your description of the front yard was hysterical. It brought back many memories of traveling to Florida when I was a yungin and that's exactly what we saw as Deliverance played on the car radio. lol
Thanks again Cindy.

Triple Nickel said...

Ya'll sure do post a good ole blog. I wasin goin ta post once. I wasin goin ta writ about the day my momma gave birth to my younger brother Billy Bob at my retirement party with the help offen my wife Shirleen, who just happens ta be my neice~!
Thanks for fun blog.

Shirley Bahlmann said...

I never made money blogging, but maybe that's because no one reads my blog, because I don't blog regularly. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE PEOPLE? Good writing is worth reading over and over, ain't it?

Taffy said...

I done made five bucks selling one o' my blog articles. And I make about $2.50 a month selling my lemonade recipe to the locals.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Slamdunk: I'm thinkin' yor one of them good ol' South'n boys! :)

Cindy Beck, author said...

Carol L.: Oh my gosh, we must have seen the same yards ... even though I never when to FL when I was a kid.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Triple Nickel: Thank ya!

Cindy Beck, author said...

Shirley: I'm a thinkin' ya need to be selling lemonade atch yer blog! :)

Cindy Beck, author said...

Taffy: You only make $2.50 a month selling yer lemonade? Well child, you need to be chargin' more fer it! :)

Girl Tornado said...

Funny doesn't cut it, this was hysterical! :) I'm thinking we all may as well sell lemonade. We'd probably make more money, huh?

Cindy Beck, author said...

Oz Girl: It might be agin' the rules, but maybe you could sell some of thet thar lemonade from your toll booth? Shucks, you'd be the biggest hit on the turnpike!

Lori said...

Duct tape? Love the stuff. We just made wallets out of it at camp. The things sell for $10 each in California--seriously! Wonder if I could figure out how to make a lemonade pitcher with matching glasses out of the stuff.:) Thanks for the laugh.

LaRea said...

I once heard that if you get cut you should use duct tape as your bandage. Thanks for the good tips on how to make money blogging. If it doesn't work out the way I am trying, the furniture will be out on the lawn.