The Christmas List ... by C.L. Beck

Photo© C.L. Beck

Every year at about this time, I make up a Christmas wish list and give it to my husband, Russ. It usually includes practical items like blouses and sweaters, or maybe soul-soothing gifts like jewelry, perfume, and chocolates; all in the hopes that something—anything—on the list might actually end up under the tree.

Some women might think the men in their lives should come up with gift ideas all on their own, but gals, don’t be tempted with that thought. Men typically do not inherit a gift-giving gene from their mothers and the guys who do have nicknames like, “Pookie” and are decorating houses for a living.

But, if that’s not reason enough to give your sweetheart a wish list, here are a few more:

The Judge
Give the guy in your life a list so that you won’t end up with a weapon as your principal Christmas gift. When I say “weapon” I’m not talking a girly weapon like pepper spray—which in theory disables an attacker but in actuality fans out in a hairspray-like mist that blows back into your eyes, causing them to tear up and mascara to run down your face. But hey, at least it holds your hair in place.

Nor do I mean a paring knife, which all gals know are much more effective than mace because any man who sees a paring knife is afraid he’ll be asked to peel potatoes and takes off for the next county.

No, I'm talking a weapon that has a firing pin, trigger, and that needs to be carried in a holster that wraps around your chest—which would make any woman look like she’d grown an extra mammary gland. Not a bad thing, if one intends to be painted by Pablo Picasso, but it’s not what most women would request for Christmas.

But, let’s say that for one insane moment you considered doing that—no, not growing an extra mammary gland, but letting your guy give you a weapon for Christmas. For minimum requirements it would have to look pretty, with maybe a rainbow handle; have your name imprinted on the end where the bullet comes out, and carry a model name like, Sleep With Angels.

Nope, forget it. Gun manufacturers wouldn't even think of making a gun with that name, and your man would end up buying something with a nickname like, Blow the Guy’s Head Off or Blood in the Streets. Or even, The Judge. And yes, I made up those first two but The Judge is a real gun. Not that I would know from experience or anything.

.44 Caliber
Naturally, if your man buys you a gun, the next thing he’s going to purchase and put under the tree is bullets. No, not so you can string them and wear them around your neck, thus creating the latest fashion craze. Very few men would be caught dead (no pun intended) with a woman wearing bullets around her neck, although I hear there are a few living in compounds in Idaho who prefer women that wear their bullets bandoleer-style, across their chest. Obviously, they’re also the kind of men who don't mind if their gals resemble a Picasso painting.

Your guy will want to take you to an outdoor range and teach you how to shoot. The concept that men and women can stand side by side and shoot things is a myth perpetrated in the old west. Or maybe Montana; I'm not sure which. Your man will want to shoot at chipmunks, and you will stand there crying because he might have killed Chip and Dale (the cartoon chipmunks, not the dudes with muscles and skimpy underwear). He’ll want to use things like Necco Wafers as targets, which totally ruins them for eating. Or possibly shoot at cans of spray paint, which coincidentally are under pressure and will blow up, the shock wave making your hair frizz out all over your head while conveniently giving you non-removable paint streaks in your hair. Not that I would know this by experience, either.

American Handgunner
It’s safe to say that as a group, women are an uncomplaining lot. However, even the most laid-back among you would prefer that your Christmas gifts come wrapped in gaily-colored paper displaying scenes of snowmen and sleigh rides—not gun battles and automatic weapons. Nor will most of you approve of gift wrap depicting women in Miracle Bras and thongs, showing off the newest line of Thunderwear holsters.

By the time your sweetheart has bought you the gun, bullets, and Necco Wafers for targets, he’ll think nothing of wrapping those same gifts in pages torn out of the American Handgunner magazine.

In conclusion, take my advice—get that list written and handed to your man, lest you end up packin’ for the rest of your life. In the meantime, I’d love to give you more advice because I have a plethora of thoughts on this subject … but alas, it’s time for me to strap on The Judge and go grocery shopping.

(Dedicated to my friend, PackenMama, who knows her way around a shooting range almost as well as going shopping on e-Bay.)

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

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