Help Me Up My Clod Score ... by C.L. Beck

By C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck

Tags: Yahoo! Voices, Wil Wheaton, writing, Angry Birds, hooters, clout score




About a hundred years ago, I hatched a brilliant plan. Oh, all right, it was really only 2 years, 2 months and some odd days, and the plan was mediocre, but this is a semi-true story which means I get to say what I want and disguise it as truth.

But ... already I've digressed.

Anyway, so, a hundred years ago (minus 98 years), I conceived of a brilliant plan to make it rich on the Internet. None of you have ever thought of that, right? No visions of blogging your way to a head of hair like Donald Trump's, or dreams of making a YouTube video that goes viral and you end up being mentioned on Wil Wheaton's website.

Yes, Wil Wheaton. You know, the kid that played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek, eons ago. Yup, he blogs about being a geek, in language that my mother would not condone, and makes money off it. I'd give you the link but I'm jealous that he's making moolah and don't want him making any off me.

M. O. O. L. A. H.

Don't ask me why he's making money. The article I read was about hooters and I missed the humor. Or the reason why the site could get a multitude of hits and provide an income.

"Russ!" I hollered to my hubby as he sat working at his desk in the other room. "Do you remember Wil Wheaton? Why would he make money blogging about owls?"

There was a long, poignant pause. I thought Russ was strolling down memory lane, to the days of his youth when he played with Star Trek toys and pretended to blow up planet Alpha Beta Krappa. And then I remembered we were already married when Wil Wheaton was part of the cast, and how I had put my foot down and said that a 30-year-old man who slept with a woman at night (that would be me) did not need Star Trek toys.

I peeked in around his door. "What are you doing?"

"Hmm."

I stepped closer and looked at his computer screen. I scratched my head. "Why are those birds beating up on a couple of pigs?"

Russ's eyes never left the screen. "It's called Angry Birds, and the pigs are stealing the birds' eggs."

"I don't get the point. Pigs can't climb trees, so how can they steal bird eggs?" I scratched my head again. (It's not that I have lice. I mention scratching my head as a writing technique so you'll know I was perplexed.)

And then I realized that it didn't matter. No, not about the lice, but about pigs. We live in a world of make-believe, where pigs can't fly but can climb trees, where a viral video does not carry germs that give someone a cold, and where under-employed actors can make money by blogging about owls.

By now you're probably all wondering what this has to do with my brilliant plan from yesteryear. Well, since I didn't realize one had to be a star the caliber of Wil Wheaton to make money off the Internet, I started writing articles for Associated Content. Which just recently became Yahoo! Voices. And may eventually become something else. Hopefully not Articles Submitted for Free.

My goal was to make money off my writings. And to reach what is known as a high Clod Score. Oops, typo. I mean "Clout" Score. Don't ask me how it works, or why management came up with that concept, but I think it had something to do with the submitting authors making it rich when pigs fly.

So far, I've made a grand total of approximately $707 and .2348765 cents there. Sadly, I'm not sure which of my articles earned the .2348765 cents, but I'm sure it was of Pulitzer prize quality. Or close.

All of which means that over the past 2 years, 2 months and some odd days, I've earned roughly $1/day. I'm sure my pay is so low because I haven't reached the coveted Clod 9 level. If I could only reach Clod 9, I'd make a whopping 15¢ more per thousand page views. Yes, friends, that means every time someone reads one of my articles (all articles are only one page in length, even if they're the size of War and Peace), I get an additional .015¢ more per article than I got before reaching Clod 9.

Or is that .000015¢?

I'm not sure. Math was never my strong point. And apparently writing isn't either, based on my $1/day.

Here's the thing. Now's your chance to prove that underpaid writers are just as important as under-employed actors who blog about owls. Head out to my Yahoo! Voices page and click open one of my articles. Hey, it would even be great if you read it! But, if you're not in the mood for reading, look at one of my slideshows with purty pictures. Either will work. I need 488 additional page views to hit Clod 9 before 2012 rings in.

2012. That's like ... really, really soon. So don't waste any time, because we all know that under-employed actors should not make more money at writing than underpaid writers.

Oh, in case you're wondering, my hubby has explained that Wil Wheaton was not writing about owls. He was writing about Hooters. You know, the restaurant that features waitresses with big ... ummm, I'm trying to think how to say it nicely ... chests. Bosoms.

Ah ha! The fog clears, and it becomes evident to you and me how Wheaton had lots of hits on that article!

---