Education, Elephants, and Hospital Beds ... by C.L. Beck

Image © Cindy Beck

I'm pretty sure I'm as smart as a fourth grader. Impressive, huh?

Oh, all right, I'll admit that I can't do fractions in my head. And as far as I'm concerned, addition and subtraction are best done on my fingers.

All the same, my elementary school education has still served me well. Why? Because I have a vast store of elephant jokes. And someone who can remember elephant jokes fifty years later should get some points for memorization!

Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?
A. From stamping out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. From stomping out burning ducks.

Yeah, I know. Dumb. But all the fourth graders loved it.)

And then there's a joke that comes to mind whenever I drink juice.

Joe is sitting in his hospital bed, looking at his breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and apple juice. As he opens the apple juice, he accidentally knocks the plastic cup for it off the tray.

"Dang," he says, with a grimace. "I'm hooked up to all these monitors and there's no way I can reach that."

Sitting next to the breakfast tray is the small plastic container for the urine sample that's needed that morning. Joe thinks for a minute and says, "Well, the specimen cup is clean, so it won't matter if I pour the juice into it."

A few minutes later, the head nurse walks in, picks up the cup, eyes it critically, sets it back on the tray, and says, "Hmmm, we're looking a little cloudy today."

Joe picks up the cup, puts it to his lips and says, "Well, we'll just run it through again!"

Quite coincidentally, I visited my local hospital over the weekend. No, I'm not a weirdo who thinks visiting the emergency room is almost as good as watching House on TV.

I had a small medical issue that I thought would be a simple in and out trip but, unfortunately, not.

Twelve hours later, I lay in a bed that dipped in the center, causing my knees to touch my forehead. It was one of those hospital beds where, if you pushed the wrong button, it folded up with you in the middle. Just as I figured the buttons out and managed to narrowly escape a soft, but untimely death, the nurse brought in food.

Under other circumstances, the meal on the tray might have looked less appealing but going without food for twenty-four hours has a way of making even roadkill look appetizing. The pale, wan pork chop and serving of broccoli stems were a feast to my eyes.

But, wait. Over there on the corner of the tray. A glass of ... what was that? Some kind of juice?

Aaaahh, apricot juice. "Well," I said to my husband, Russ, "it looks a little cloudy, so let's just run it through again."

Then I smiled slyly, handed it to him, and said, "Here. You do it."

(Now that I've totally killed your longing for a glass of juice - but hopefully have put a smile on your face - I will bid you adieu. If you get a sec, drop off a comment about your worst hospital experience or your best joke. Whichever your inner, fourth grade child prefers.)

"Education, Elephants, and Hospital Beds" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: education, elephants, hospital beds, apple juice


Anna Maria Junus said...

Why is it when you're having a baby your private areas become available for public viewing and you're supposed to be okay with this?

Girl Tornado said...

Springboarding off Anna's comment.... you didn't have a baby, did you??!!! LOL.... I'm sorry you had to make a trip to the hospital, ugh. I don't mind working in one, but I sure try to avoid, at all costs, going to one as a patient. I guess it's not anyone's cup of tea, huh?

At any rate, I rather liked you duck and elephant joke - I've never heard that one (guess I was a deprived 4th grader) and I laughed out loud.

Call it my simple, juvenile sense of humor. :-)

Anna Maria Junus said...

Thought you might like to know that Aunt Madge posted.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Anna: I am so laughing over what you said. Face it, when you're in a public hospital, everything is ... well ... public!

Thanks for commenting.:)

Cindy Beck, author said...

Oz Girl: Nope, no new babies at my house. Thank goodness.

Do you know why God made it so women my age don't have babies?

Because we'd put them down and forget where we left them. (Tee hee. Sooooo true.)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear that what you've been up to includes a visit to the hospital. You should only be allowed there to make life happier to other patients, since you do that so well.
I hope you are doing well now.

Have a happy and healthy Easter... and thank you for the bunny jokes. I laughed out loud!


Watchman said...

Sorry to hear about a trip to the dreaded hospital. Humor is the best road to recovery. Getting the hospital bill isn't usually that funny, though.

Rachelle Christensen said...

Hope you are feeling much better and drinking lots of juice--maybe purple juice so there aren't any mix-ups? :)

C. LaRene Hall said...

So sorry to hear about your recent visit. That is never fun. I'm not sure about drinking any juice at this point - even tomatoe is scary. Hope you are home and doing well.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Rosa: It's so nice to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by ... hope you had a fun Easter. And thanks for the compliments.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Watchman: Nope, I'm not laughin' over the hospital bills. YIKES!

Cindy Beck, author said...

Rachelle: Very funny ... drinking purple juice. It took me a minute, and then I laughed over it. Gotta luv that grape juice for more reasons than one! :)

Cindy Beck, author said...

Connie: Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I'm doing fine ... just not drinking any apple juice lately. :)