Emergency Preparedness/Live Off the Land ... by C.L. Beck

Photo © gzigzik

I've always considered myself an emergency preparedness/live off the land type-of-gal.

Not the kind, however, who would strap a bandoleer across her chest and live in a compound in Montana. Unless, of course, the bandoleer added inches to her bust measurement and came in "Positively Pink." Then ... maybe.

No, seriously.

I'm jiggy with picking fresh fruit. As long as I don't have to bottle it. And going fishing is fun ... as long as I don't have to clean them.

Oh, and hunting! I'm definitely into hunting. Well ... with a camera. And as long as there's indoor plumbing and Hostess raspberry-filled donuts nearby. No, not near the plumbing. Near my mouth.

On occasion, I've even read the Mother Earth News. And then considered making dandelion wine according to the magazine's directions. Minus the wine aspect, of course, since I don't drink--which pretty much just makes it dandelion water. Nice, yellow water.

It reminds me of an old joke ...

Joe's sitting in his hospital bed, looking at his breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and apple juice. As he opens the apple juice, he accidentally knocks the plastic cup for it off the tray.

"Dang," he says, with a grimace. "I'm hooked up to all these monitors and there's no way I can reach that."

Sitting next to the breakfast tray is the small plastic container for the urine sample that's needed that morning. Joe thinks for a minute and says, "Well, the specimen cup is clean, so it won't matter if I pour the juice into it."

A few minutes later, the head nurse walks in, picks up the cup, eyes it critically, sets it back on the tray, and says, "Hmmm, we're looking a little cloudy today."

To which Joe says - as he picks up the cup and puts it to his lips -"Well, we'll just run it through again!"

And now that I've totally erased your longing for either dandelion wine or apple juice, I will bid you adieu. In the meantime, drop off a comment and tell me if you've ever had the urge to live off the land.

[Author's note: This article is dedicated to my friend, Andrea--at IGetReady.com--who really and truly is a "live off the land" type-of-gal. But if you're thinking about recruiting her for your compound, there's no point in it--she would never even consider wearing a bandoleer. It detracts from the machete on her hip.]

(Stop! Don't leave yet! If you enjoyed this bit of humor, written by a gal who's version of living off the land consists of  visiting Five Guys Burgers and Fries, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun. )

Tags: emergency preparedness, survivalist, dandelion wine, apple juice, live off the land, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Hostess donuts
"Emergency Preparedness/Live Off the Land" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck


Andrea said...

Dang, I should have thought to pass along that stack of 30 year old Mother Earth News Mags that was gifted to me not long ago. On the other hand that would have left you with a hankerin' to have a machete just like mine and I'm pretty sure it would've clashed with your Hot Pink bandoleer. :) But in case you are still curious, feel free to come borrow my machete anytime to test the clashing theory.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Andrea: Really? You have a stack of 30-year-old Mother Earth News? And you didn't think to give them to me!? Well, with an oversight like that, I say it's time for you to hang up your machete! :)

Shirley Bahlmann said...

Oh, but "Mother Earth News" from 50 years ago is not the same as news today! Simply hop online to figure out how to survive off the land with no electricity or modern conveniences! Of course, if our modern conveniences are all taken out by that steal-electricity-bomb thing, then you might need to stock those Mother Earth News's in your outhouse for a more practical use!

Melinda said...

I just bought 3 peaches. They were a dollar a piece! I'm ready to live off the land! I miss my peach tree and am very jealous of yours. All I can say is at least I have my hardy basil plant! I can help 'flavor' my food for cheap. That's how I live off the land.

Oh and I'm not going to down apple juice anytime soon. Thanks for the laughs.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Shirley: Oh no, I would never use my Mother Earth News copies for the outhouse. They're far too valuable. That's what my saved newspapers are for! :)

Thanks for stopping by!

Cindy Beck, author said...

Melinda: Wow, that's an outrageous price for peaches. And here I have them for free ... well, as long as I'm willing to fight the birds and wasps for them!

Basil is a great idea. Mine is not growing. Mostly because I haven't planted it yet. :)

Thanks for stopping by.

Slamdunk said...

Thanks for the laugh Cindy. The image of what the nurse's expression would have been it a definite laugher.

Enjoy your weekend.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Slamdunk: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. So glad you enjoyed that visual image. I'm thinking I had a similar one the first time I heard that! :)

Randall said...


Another great article. Obviously I'm a bit behind. I should have read this two weeks ago. That's what happens when you are a lurker on the AI site!

Thanks for sharing. I laughed my head off.


Cindy Beck, author said...

Hi Randall: So sorry you laughed your head off. Were you able to put it back on again? Hope it didn't pick up any dust on the floor! :)

Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed the post!

1womansbabble said...

I have great aspirations to live off the land...I long to be a hippy.
I played Farmville forever and showed that I could absolutely do an awesome job of looking after crops. Heaven knows I put in the hours!
Someone mentioned that the actual real life version might be slightly different than an online farm, but how hard can it be? Ya plant ya crops and then 4-12 hours later you harvest.