Making a Marriage Last ... by C.L. Beck

Photo © CL Shearin

A strong marriage takes work. Being married to a mental health counselor, I know all about the methods for making a marriage last. And based on a phone conversation I just had with my beloved,  I'm thinking I should write a book about it ....

Point #1 in my new book,  Making a Marriage Last: Call and let spouse know you're thinking of him/her.

I punched Russ's number in on the phone and said, "Hi, where are you at?"

I heard the hum of tires on pavement in the background as Russ responded. "Just leaving the state hospital and on my way to 5 Guys Burgers and Fries to pick up supper. I'll be home soon with it."

"Oh ... you're that far away?"

#2. For marital bliss, one of you (or the other) should always keep the house neat, tidy, and cobweb free.

I paused before continuing the conversation, then sighed, and swiped at a meandering cobweb as it drifted down from the ceiling

Concern tinged Russ's voice as he said, "What's wrong? Why did you sigh; aren't you feeling well?"

I swung my hand in circles, trying to fling the sticky cobweb off.  "No, I'm fine. Just bored. And I thought you'd already left a while ago and were close to home with the burgers and fries by now."

"Well, I'll be there soon with the food and it will help un-bore you." He said it in this cheerful, chirpy voice that annoyed me. I don't know why. Maybe because I was experiencing low blood sugar since it was taking so danged long for him to get those burgers and fries!

(Note to Self. Should Point #3 be, "Do not make gagging noises when spouse sounds cheerful and chirpy?" Or, "Do not strangle spouse when he/she sounds cheerful and chirpy?" Reconsider book. Instead, maybe do one on 50 Ways to End a Marriage.) 

I rubbed my cobwebby hand across a pad of paper, trying to get the stuff off. The pad pushed a stack of books off the desk with a crash, causing Corky Porky Pie to leap up from his sleeping position underneath and bang his head. Just to clarify, for those of you who don't know -- Corky Porky Pie would be the dog, not the thirty-six-year-old kid who lives halfway across the country.

#4. Grown children who live far away should not expect an inheritance any time soon. Or ever! (Oh wait ... that goes in the parenting book.)

More concern tinged Russ's voice. "Is everything okay there? I heard a crash."

I watched another cobweb float down. One with a spider attached to it. (Note to Self. Remove words, "Keep house cobweb free," from Point #2)

After pondering the bug for a second, I decided to let Russ kill it when he arrived home. (Note to Self. Doesn't Russ hate spiders? Review blog article about Russ and spiders before writing book.)

#5. To make a marriage last, do not feed the dog any snacks least he barf them back up later into spouse's shoes.

Corky Porky saw the ugly arachnid from the corner of his eye, ran over, and gulped it down. I grimaced as he "urped" and headed over to deposit stomach juices and a half-eaten bug in one of Russ's slippers. "Umm, everything is fine," I said into the phone. (Note to Self. Do not hand Russ his slippers when he enters the door. Let him get them himself.)

Russ cleared his throat slightly. "Okay, then. I'll be home in a jiffy with those burgers and fries."

I suddenly realized my view of marriage might be slightly tainted -- hopefully only for the moment -- by my overwhelming hunger and coma-inducing low blood sugar.  I took a couple of chugs from last night's bottle of apple juice that had managed to stay on my desk through the crash.

Point #6 in my soon-to-be written, enormously popular best-seller, Making a Marriage Last: Let spouse know of your love and concern for his/her safety.

As my sugar level started to rise, I felt less cranky and said, "Drive carefully."

Russ's voice sounded a little distant as the cell phone reception wavered. "Don't worry. I will."

By now I was feeling back to normal, "Ok. Love you," I said. "Watch out for those big trucks on the freeway. I wouldn't want you in an accident because ..." I paused, searching for just the right words to convey the depths of my feelings, " ... because I don't like my French fries bent!"

(Note to Self: Consider possibility that I am not cut out for writing a book on marriage. Instead, write a best-seller titled, Fiction vs. Fact for Repelling Spiders.)

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(Author's note: If you enjoyed this mostly true bit of humor, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun. )


"Making a Marriage Last" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: making a marriage last, low blood sugar, spiders

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