.

Giblets Roasting on an Open Fire ... by C.L. Beck

 Photo © TheKohser, Wikimedia Commons

Ahhh, Thanksgiving—that time of year to eat roast turkey, smashed taters and stuffing. There’s only one way to make the stuffing and that's with sour dough bread and giblets. Okay, I hear some of you gagging at the mention of giblets, but mine is an old family recipe that tastes great. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be caught dead touching a giblet.

We have time honored traditions in our home and we follow them to the letter. One year, however, it didn’t go quite as expected. We watched the Macy’s parade in the morning while the giblets simmered on the stove. Then I turned them off (the giblets, not Macys), and made the stuffing using ... well ... I won’t tell you which parts, because you'll start gagging again.

I will say I’m picky about which innards go into my stuffing and there’s no way that gristly, ghastly gizzard was included. I left it in the pan of water and turned it back on so it would cook more, with the intention of feeding it later to the cats. Then I stuffed the gobbler and got that baby roasting.

While it cooked, we jumped into our truck and headed up the canyon to go skiing. I could almost catch a whiff of roast turkey floating among the pines, as the clouds threw dancing shadows that resembled pumpkin pies, and the snow looked like mounds of whipped cream.

After a couple of hours, it was time to go. On the drive down my tumbly was rumbly, thinking of the turkey that would be ready at home. My favorite Thanksgiving moment always happened when I walked in the door and the warmth of the kitchen washed over me, while the pungent odor of sage, onions and roast turkey wrapped me in a culinary hug.

I was the first to bail out of the truck, and raced to the door anticipating the aroma. I stopped short with my hand on the knob. “What’s that weird noise?”

My husband, Russ—being deaf in one ear and not able to hear out of the other—said, “What noise?”

“It sounds like a high-pitched whine.” Puzzled but not concerned, I turned the key in the lock and opened the door, inhaling to my fullest in preparation for the wonderful smells to come.

Acrid smoke poured out and rushed up my nose, while the smoke detector screamed like a wild banshee. “What’s going on?” I yelled to Russ over the din, waving my hands to clear a path through the smoke.

“Something’s burning!” he hollered.

“But what?” Had the turkey exploded and plastered itself all over the oven?

Just then our son, Dave, walked in and said, “Hey, something’s burning!”

Our family has a talent for stating the obvious.

By now, we were almost deaf. Apparently, it never occurred to fire alert manufacturers that some people might not dash out the door, but instead would stand around discussing what’s on fire.

What happened next should have qualified me as a firefighter of the tenth degree. I didn't waste my time looking for unnecessary equipment, like a fire extinguisher. Instead, I took decisive action, grabbed a dishtowel and flapped it frantically under the detector to clear the sensors and shut it up, while Russ dashed to the oven to pull out the turkey. Dave stood in the doorway, waving the door to clear the air, and cheered us on in between coughs.

Russ yelled at the top of his lungs, “It’s not the turkey. It’s something on the stove ..." He paused, inspecting the blackened pan. "It looks like a cremated gizzard!” Naturally, the smoke detector quite screaming just then, so that even strangers on the streets of Provo knew we had giblets roasting on an open fire.

Despite the fiasco of a holiday where our house smelled of burned gizzard—and we ate bundled in coats because the doors were opened to air out the smoke—it was a Thanksgiving to remember. Our son, now thirty-something, loves to tell the story to anyone who will listen.

Some might think it foolish to tempt fate, but I’ve cooked giblets every Thanksgiving since. A tradition such as that can’t be tossed out the window just because of a tiny mistake like an incinerated innard. Besides, I’ve learned from the error of my ways and now take precautions.

The night before Thanksgiving, I pull the battery out of the smoke detector.

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com. Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!



Bill Dancer's Classic Bloopers

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

Hopefully, you won't have seen this blooper video before ... but even so, you'll laugh again. I've probably watched it at least ten times and I still giggle at the things that happen to Bill Dancer.



And now that you've had a chance to watch it, which segment made you laugh the most? The one that tickles me every time is when the motor pops loose from the boat!

The Halloween 5K ... by C.L. Beck



It was a dark and stormy night ….

Really, I’m not stealing that phrase, even though it came from famed novelist, Bulwer-Lytton who was known for his purple prose, which, according to the venerable Wikipedia is “prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself,” but despite its fancy definition—a definition which reminds me of molasses running downhill on a hot day—I believe it’s a form of writing that’s so terrible it might not even be purple but more like red because that’s what people see when they read writing like that … red like the color of my true love’s hair—except Russ has no hair on top and what’s left on the sides is silvery—or love that’s like a red, red, rose, which, by the way, was written by the Scotsman, Robert Burns, and I’m pretty certain that he never wrote purple prose, but it could be that he wore a purple kilt.

But, I digress … it really was a dark and stormy night. Despite having almost killed myself by inhaling my gum in a previous 5K, in Mona, Utah,  I’d stupidly bravely decided to try again this year. No, not to kill myself—to run another race. So it was, on a dark and stormy Saturday night, that Russ and I ran in the American Fork 2010 Halloween Fun Run.

The good thing about it was that unlike last summer in Mona, no dust lingered in the air to clog the sinuses. Instead, rain fell from the sky in torrents, lightening flashed overhead, and voices screeched in the night. Well, maybe that was just the little ol’ lady in front of me trying to clear her throat, but all the same ….

When we finished the first leg of the course, I noticed odd street markers that said things like, “Here lies Betty Joe, who lost her foot in last year’s snow. She ran a Halloween 5K and regrets it, under ground, this day.”

I looked at Russ to see if he’d noticed. He seemed oblivious to the oddness as he ran along in triple layers consisting of long underwear, a bright orange tee shirt that read, “Psych Ward, 666” and a sweatshirt that didn’t have any slogan … unless you include that spot of chicken soup left over from lunch. Perspiration dripped off his bald head and into his eyes. I said, “Don’t you think you’re a little overdressed for running?”

He wiped the sweat from his brow. “I’m keeping my muscles warm.”

I resisted the temptation to ask what muscles, and instead said, “Did you see that weird street sign back there?”

Russ slowed to a walk, which kept him even with me as I ran my hardest. “It wasn’t a street sign, Cindy, it was a headstone. This course runs through the town’s cemetery.”

I shuddered at the thought, which caused me to stumble over my own two feet. “I’m not sure I remembered that when we registered," I muttered, and then wondered if those were the voices of other runners on the wind, or ghosties in the graveyard.

The full moon came out from behind the clouds just enough for me to see the glow sticks fastened around various parts of the anatomies of the other 3,250 runners—the glow sticks being a tribal symbol to signify acceptance of the runner’s spiritual code.

Okay, so maybe I exaggerate slightly. There were only about 250 runners. The other 3,000 were smart enough to come in out of the rain and they’d all stayed home. The glow sticks were so we could see each other, and for the most part, runners fastened them around their necks. That is, all except for Russ, who hung them off his ears.

What can I say? I brought Russ along for comic relief, so that I wouldn’t notice the torturous leg cramps that would inevitably happen because I hadn’t trained for the race.

Knowing how easy it would be to trip in a pothole, I whipped out my trusty flashlight—the one that normally sat in my well-stocked, emergency preparedness kit. (All right, I'll tell the truth, I'd actually bought it at the hardware store just an hour before.) Russ looked over, and if it hadn’t been so dark, I swear I would have seen that gleam in his eye. “Here, let me carry that flashlight for you,” he said, ever so sweetly. I handed it over, thinking what a kind and noble man my bald-headed knight was.

By now we’d struggled up Snob Hill, which actually may have been Knob Hill, but I couldn’t clearly hear the name as the staff shouted it from the side of the road. Why didn’t they use a megaphone? How could I possibly hear correctly over the sound of my lungs screaming for air?

Down the hill we went. Thank goodness the American Fork police had parked a cruiser, with its bright lights flashing, to mark the last leg of the course. Yes, very bright lights. Blinding lights! Spots covered the interior of my eyeballs; I sideswiped the cop standing in the road, and almost turfed it when I ran into the curb.

Righting myself, I zeroed in on Russ’s voice. “We’re near the end, Cin. You can do it. Keep going. We’re going to beat our previous time!”

And that’s when I remembered my resolve to finish ahead of him. I’d almost done it at last year’s 5K and if it hadn’t been for that pesky piece of gum lodging itself in my throat and cutting off my wind, I would have made it.

A toasty glow enveloped me at the thought that I had outsmarted Russ. Either that or I was in the last stage of hypothermia, where you feel warm and then drop dead from the cold, damp air. At any rate, it didn’t matter which. I was bound to beat him because I’d tossed my gum before we even got to American Fork.

The blue, electronic finish light lay only yards ahead. I psyched my mind and strengthened my loins. This was it. My course was clear. I would put on a burst of speed, pass Russ and beat him at the last moment. I would be the fastest runner in the family, I would be ….

Russ whirled toward me, the flashlight in his hands instantaneously blinding me. “Ha ha, I win!” he said, sprinting toward the finish line. Well, I think he sprinted. He could have crawled and still beaten me, because I staggered in circles like a drunken sailor, trying to clear my vision.

Oh, he’s a speedy runner all right, but cunning and stealth beat speed every time.

As I caught up to him after crossing the finish line, we lurched into the recreation center where an official-looking woman said, “Did you win?”

We shrugged our shoulders, and I said, “How would we know?”

The woman stared at us like this was only our second race and we didn’t know what we were doing, and then said, “It’s on your time card.” She took them from us, looked them over and then handed them back to us. “You’ve won second place in your age group,” she said to Russ over the noise of the crowd.

Russ, the bald-headed, hard-of-hearing knight, looked at me and said, “What did she say?”

Before I had a chance to answer, she gave my card back to me. “You’ve won third place in your age group.” Then she handed Russ’s second place ribbon to me and handed my third place ribbon to Russ.

Russ looked at white ribbon in his hand and said, “So, I guess I took third place in my age group?”

I grinned—a sardonic, "gotcha" grin. “Guess so. And I got a second place ribbon!”

Technically, it wasn’t a lie, because after all, the official did hand me that ribbon. And maybe I’ll eventually tell Russ he won second place. Someday. Before the next race. But in the meantime, I’ll just keep reminding him that cunning and stealth beat speed every time.

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



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The Bodies in the Basement ... by C.L. Beck

Photo © Knutux, Wikimedia Commons


With Halloween so close, it's only fitting that today's post consist of something with a bit of suspense, and so I give you  ...

The Bodies in the Basement 
(Complete with scary organ music and screams in the distance.)

Kat Nilsson wrote the words, "I was watching CSI Miami," in big loopy letters on the legal pad in her lap. Then, since she had writer's block, she doodled in the loops.

After a few minutes of wasted time, Kat scratched her head with the point of her yellow pencil and sighed. "No. That's not right. I can't start a novel out that way. I hate CSI. Can't stand those women with whitened teeth, brightened faces, and over-tightened blouses." Kat erased the words with a vengeance, as if erasing the facial features of the botoxed movie stars.

She started again. "Stacy heard a knock at the door, and just as she went to answer—"

As Kat wrote those words, a deep thump, thump, thump reverberated through the house. With a sigh big enough to sink a battleship, Kat threw the pencil into a mug of assorted pens and walked to the front room to see who was knocking.

The wind whistled as she opened the heavy, wooden door, and a chill ran between her shoulder blades. No one stood there. Not a living soul. Attached to the door by a feathered dart was an off-white sheet of paper, with dark, thick handwriting.

It read:

Kat,
If you find the dog, call me.
PS: The bodies are in the basement.


"The basement?" she whispered. Kat shuddered and tugged her bedraggled University of Wyoming sweatshirt tight around her body. There was a basement in her house. An old basement with a cold, concrete floor—a room she never, ever, ever went into because ... well ... anyone who writes murder mysteries knows that something horrifying always happens in the basement.

Scanning the bottom of the note and then turning the paper over, Kat looked for a clue as to who wrote it. No signature, not even a grimy thumbprint to give a hint.

That's when she heard it—a thin, high-pitched, forlorn howl from under the house. For one illogical second her heart rocketed with fear and she thought about screaming and running to the neighbors. But then, her writer's curiosity kicked in. Who left the note and why did they put a dog in the basement? How did they know about the basement? Who, what, when, where, how and why?

She counted friends on her fingers. Josi? No, she didn't own a dog. Nichole? Yes, Nichole was a jokester all right, but also allergic to anything with fur, including....

Like a good Catholic girl, Kat crossed herself for luck. She might be allergic to aspen and eucalyptus, but at least she wasn't allergic to mink, like Nichole.

Bulldog, Rex, or Nipsey? Goodness knows their names were doggy enough, but no, they were all too tenderhearted to shove a dog in a basement in order to scare a writer wordless.

It had to be a practical joke, pulled by the neighbor-kid-from-hell, who was always throwing tomatoes at her car when he thought she wasn't looking. Yup, that had to be it. When she got the dog out of there, she was going to have a long talk with that boy's parents.

Hitching up her sweatpants, she closed the door behind her and walked around the redwood-sided house to the back yard. Autumn leaves crunched under her Big Bird slippers and she realized that they might be a lucky charm when writing, but they wouldn't do much to protect her against earwigs, black widow spiders, and uggg ... stink bugs ... that might be in the basement. But it was too late now; her feet took her down the concrete steps as if they had a mind of their own.

Ssshhh. What was that?

A rustling noise, like a lady's crisp, crinoline underskirt, drifted to Kat's ears. And then, silence. Certain that she'd psyched herself out, Kat took a deep breath and with one hand on the rust-encrusted doorknob, listened again.

Not a sound.

No dog howling, no skirts rustling.

Nothing.

Feeling weak in the knees, and even weaker in the head, she turned the knob and pushed the door. Its hinges squeaked. Dang. She hadn't done it hard enough, and now she'd have to step inside, in that dark, damp, hole-in-the-ground and push the door all the way open with her shoulder. Why hadn't she thought to bring a flashlight?

Kat stepped over the doorjamb and shoved. The door slowly inched back, but it was almost as if light feared entering the room. Darkness reigned, and the tiny shaft of brightness that had the courage to shine against the door slowly dimmed as clouds obscured the sun.

That's when she heard it—an otherworldly moan. And she could make out two bodies, lying on the floor, legs bent at sharp angles, tongues hanging out. A shriek caught in her throat. She wanted to whirl and run but her legs refused to obey.

The shapes unkinked their legs, rose up in front of her, and Kat screamed—a wordless, soundless scream.

"Surprise!" shouted the two bodies as they flicked on flashlights. Hoots of laughter and a chorus of happy birthdays erupted from around the room. They were all there, Josi, Nichole, Bulldog, Rex and Nipsey. And Kat wanted to kill every one of them.

If it wasn't for Bulldog handing her a puppy that kissed her cheek and snuggled against her shoulder, she would have done it. But then, how mad could she really be, when they'd braved the basement in order to throw a surprise party?

"The puppy's your present from all of us," Bulldog said. "Any author who writes about murder needs a dog to curl up with and to protect her from the gaboogities at night."

The puppy nuzzled Kat's neck, and her heart rate slowly returned to normal. Josi leaned over and stroked the dog's soft fur. "What are you going to call her?"

Kat's eyes twinkled, "After the scare you've all given me, I'm going to name her Heart Attack."

And with that, the puppy pointed her nose in the air and gave a howl of agreement.


(Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons—living or dead—is purely coincidental.  The dog represented in this fictional story is not based on Lassie, Benji, or any other dog of public fame. (And sshhh, don't tell anyone, but you can view a striking likeness of the author's main character by clicking here and the dog in the story does bear an uncanny resemblance to Corky Porky Pie, the author's Welsh Corgi.)

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This Halloween blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



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Funny State Slogans

Posted by C.L. Beck


Image © Zul32, Wikimedia Commons

Although I've come up with a few state slogans of my own, I've never managed to come up with enough for all fifty states. However, the other day as I was browsing the net working, I ran across this list. And I knew my readers would love it. So, here it is, with a few minor modifications by me (in order to keep this site family friendly) and a big thank you to JokesAndHumor.com for allowing me to post this list.

State Slogans


Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only With No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Home of The Stinky Great Salt Lake
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family. Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Only Snows Once All Winter (And Then Just Keeps Blowing It Back And Forth Across The Roads)

And now that I've thoroughly annoyed at least one person in every state in the Union, I'll ask those who enjoyed this list to drop off a comment and let me know your favorite. I got a big laugh out of Hawaii's slogan!

The Writing Assignment Gone Awry ... by C.L. Beck



“What’s the writing assignment that’s due in our writer’s group tomorrow?” I asked Russ for the fourth time that week. The assignment was usually a unique topic designed to stretch our imaginations.

“Bored with dark glasses,” he answered between tightly drawn lips, and over the noise of his electric razor. Russ never liked shaving and talking at the same time because he usually cut himself, so his answers were always succinct. I, personally, don’t understand that. I can shave my legs and talk at the same time. Sometimes, on a good day, I could even shave my legs and walk at the same time.

No matter. Meandering into the kitchen, I pulled on my copper-tinted Maui Jim shades. They didn’t seem that boring, so for a little hands-on experiment, I decided to walk out into the bright sunshine without them and gaze at the sun.

The minute I looked up at El Sol, dark spots the size of a Boeing 747 zinged through my eyeballs, and boring or not, I needed those sunglasses. Turning in a circle, I tried to remember which direction I should walk to reach the house. The dark spots turned with me and I staggered toward something tall. Surely, that was the door.

“Aaackkk—the clothesline pole,” my brain screamed as I bounced off the post. A knot the size of a tractor tire grew out of my forehead, while the wasps that lived in the hollow pole flew toward me, sharpening their little harpoon butts on the way.

You don’t need good vision to know when a swarm of angry buggers are after you. I ran pell-mell toward what should have been the gate, the dark spots in my eyes fleeing with me.

Who, with any brains, leaves tools in front of the gate? For that matter, who moved the gate over to the garden? Tripping over the Mantis tiller, I tumbled through the vegetable patch, tomatoes splatting against my face while the wasps buzzed merrily behind me. I slid to a stop at the end of the row and lay there, swatting at the bees and planning revenge on the man who forgot to put away the tiller.

Then the screen door creaked open.

Laughter. Someone was laughing. I looked up and saw Russ with a halo around his head. A halo was a definite impossibility for the man who’d left a mechanized garden tool for me to trip over.

Certain that he had it coming to him, I grabbed the nearest tomato. Just as I let it fly in his general direction, I heard Russ’s voice floating past on the breeze, “Cindy, we have company.”

My vision cleared in time to see Corky Porky Pie, the dog, licking drips off our visitors’ shoes as Russ wiped splattered tomato from their faces. He apologized profusely as he walked our guests out of the yard and to their car.

I hollered at their retreating backs, “Wait! Come back! I’m not usually like this. It’s just that I’m a writer.”

As they jumped in their car and peeled out of the driveway, I lay in the dirt and pondered life’s golden questions. Who am I? Where have I come from? Where am I going? And most importantly of all … why can’t I call back a Beefmaster tomato after chucking it at a pair of new home teachers?

Okay, so I know that last thought has never been included in the golden questions, but I’m here to tell you folks … it should be!

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

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Medical Terms

Maybe it's because I studied medical terminology in college—back before I realized that I didn't really like needles and being in a hospital gave me the whim-whams—that these definitions seem so funny. Or, possibly it's because they are funny that they seem so ... well ... rib-tickling! Regardless of the reasons for my own enjoyment, I know you'll get a kick out of them.

MEDICAL DEFINITIONS

ANTIBODY - against everyone

BENIGN - what you be after you be eight

BOWEL - letters like a, e, i, o, u

CESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome

CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty

CHRONIC - neck of a crow

COMA - punctuation mark

CORTISONE - area around local courthouse

CYST - short for sister

DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose

DILATE - the late British princess

DISLOCATION - in this place

DUODENUM - couple in jeans

ENEMA - not a friend

FALSE LABOR - pretending to work

GALL BLADDER - bladder in a girl

GENES - blue denim

HERNIA - she is close by

IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known

LABOR PAIN - hurt at work

LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot

LYMPH - walk unsteadily

MICROBES - small dressing gowns

OBESITY - city of Obe

PROTEIN - in favor of teens

PULSE - grain

PUS - small cat

RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula

SECRETION - hiding anything

SERUM - sailors' drink

SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough

TABLET - small table

TUMOR - extra pair

ULTRASOUND - radical noise

From GCFL.net

----

If you get a sec, drop off a comment and tell me which one you enjoyed the most. My favorite was the definition for "benign." I'm still chuckling over it.

Red Light-Green Light ... by C.L. Beck

I'll bet a number of you remember playing the game, Red Light-Green Light, as kids. It's the game where you only move forward when the person who's "it" turns his back on you. I'm guessing most of you won more often than I did, too!

I've seen it played with cub scouts and other youngsters, but this is the first time I've ever seen it played with a cat. Hope you enjoy this ... it had me shaking my head and laughing.




And now that you've watched the video, drop off a comment and tell me your favorite childhood game. Mine was Hide and Seek.

Words of Wisdom from Miss Knows-Nothing ... by C.L. Beck


Image by the Coca Cola Company, Wikimedia Commons

C.L. Beck: Although it is not my normal inclination to enter arenas of sensitive, public opinion, today I have a guest who has no problems speaking her mind on any subject and rarely often utters great words of wisdom. With that being said, I’d like to welcome readers to another episode of “Miss Knows-Nothing.” As you may remember from a past blog, Miss Knows-Nothing is that wonderful, church-going woman who wears high hair and white gloves. She’s currently finishing out her second term as a U.S. senator. Not long ago, she wrestled an alligator that fell in her cesspool and is reported to have said, “It was much like having dinner with certain members of Congress.”

Our first question for the esteemed Senator comes from a professor of horticulture who teaches at Brigham Young University—otherwise known by single LDS adults as B.Y.Woo–who asks:


Illustrious BYU Prof: Autumn is on its way and I’d like for my tomatoes to ripen faster. What can I do?

Miss Knows-Nothing: Go out to the garden and stare at them. This will embarrass the tomatoes and they’ll turn red.

Illustrious BYU Prof
: But what should I do if I see a bug on one of them?

Miss Knows-Nothing:
According to my extensive knowledge gained from watching James Bond, you shouldn’t talk. Then the bug won’t pick up your voice.

C.L. Beck:
Thank you for those great questions, sir. Now, let’s try someone new. How about that lady waving her hand in the back?

Waving Lady:
So pleased to meet you, Miss Knows-Nothing. I’m a harried housewife—

Miss Knows-Nothing: You’re a hairy housewife? Oh, you poor dear. Try electrolysis.

Waving Hairy Lady: No, no, not hairy. Harried. I’m a harried housewife and am considering buying a robot vacuum cleaner to help with the cleaning. Do you think this is a good idea?

Miss Knows-Nothing:
In theory, a robot vacuum cleaner vacuums the floors. In actuality, they head for the nearest couch and jam themselves under it. This happens approximately every thirty seconds, thereby dispelling the notion that robot vacuum cleaners actually give you time to do something other than unstick stuck vacuum cleaners. I have one named Myrtle, so I should know.

Waving Hairy Lady:
Besides cleaning the house, I have another problem. I feel like a failure as a mother because every time I give my toddler a vitamin he spits it out, hitting his brother in the head with it. What should I do?

Miss Knows-Nothing:
Tell the brother to stand else elsewhere.

C.L. Beck: Yes. Okay then. Enough questions from the hooey-palooey wonderful people in the back. Let’s hear from the dictator of Venezuela, Hugo Chávez, over there in the corner.

El Dictator: Not long ago, I got a piece of bread wedged in the toaster and when I stuck a fork in to retrieve it, I was almost electrocuted. What can I do about that?

Miss Knows-Nothing: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Maybe a wet fork would do it.

Oh, you mean about the bread? Don’t worry about that. Burning toast is a great way to test the kitchen smoke detector.

All of which reminds me of a related thought I had today. If you take your dog for a walk on a mountain trail, you’re expected to clean up his doggy-doody.

If you take your horse for a walk on that same trail, you are not expected to clean up his horse-hockey. Go figure.

C.L. Beck:
Umm … very profound. Next question, please. The little man in the uniform, on the front row.

Little Uniformed Dude: Speaking of doggy-doody, I’m the caretaker for the city cemetery and we leave the gates open for the public during the day, but loose dogs run through. What action should the city council take to correct this problem?

Miss Knows-Nothing: They could follow the example of my esteemed colleagues in Congress and present a bill, then discuss it, then filibuster it, then table it until after the holidays. Or you could just close the gates and the public can open them when they want to enter the grounds. When my hubby and I were at the cemetery the other day, we noticed a “No Dogs Allowed” sign. Apparently our city council thinks the loose dogs can read.

C.L. Beck: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hate to bring this exciting bloginar to an end but I’m afraid that’s all the time there is for today. If any of you have a question for Miss Knows-Nothing, you can mail it to her at:

Miss Knows-Nothing
C/O Congress That Does Nothing
Washington, D.C. 20510

As an alternative, you may speak your question directly into your computer screen, which is being monitored for political correctness by the CIA, FBI, and the USDA.

Or better yet, leave a comment below.

[Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by Miss Knows-Nothing are entirely her own and do not represent the opinions of any organization, person, place, animal, vegetable, or mineral.]


------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!




Penguin and Killer Whales

Penguins are funny little animals—birds with wings and yet they can't fly, which puts them at a distinct disadvantage when being chased by killer whales. And if having wings and not being able to fly isn't unique enough, wait until you see what the one in this video does. By the time you finish watching it, you'll be shaking your head in amazement at the way he outsmarts a group of killer whales. Enjoy!




If you get a minute, drop off a comment and let me know what you think of this penguin's ingenuity.

AND NOW ... for the winner of the $25 Sam's Club gift card: (Small trumpets herald in the distance) NATALIE A! Congratulations to Natalie, and a thank you to all who entered the contest during the past two weeks.


At the Car Wash, Part 2 ... by C.L. Beck


Photo © Michiel 1972, Wikimedia Commons

As you remember from a few weeks ago, (click here for Part 1 of the story) my hubby and I had a disastrous trip to the car wash. We’d tried using the car wash vacuum cleaner, which failed to suck up the dirt in our SUV and instead spit out trash from the vacuum’s other end. And then I thought I noticed some movement at the optometrist’s window next door ….

[Flashback: We stood in the hot sun, staring at the machine for five minutes more, debating whether it really sucked or not, and then I noticed a slight movement at Dr. Brian’s window. I peered through my sunglasses—which unfortunately do not fit over the new glasses Dr. Brian sold me—and wondered if we were being watched. But since my new glasses were not sitting on my nose and instead were hooked into the top button of my blouse so I wouldn’t lose them, everything looked blurry. I chalked up the feeling to paranoia.

Still … just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean someone isn’t watching you.]


I gave up trying to figure it out, climbed back into the car, and we drove to the car wash tunnel’s entrance. After three failed attempts on a Visa card—one with enough credit to buy a car dealership—we put in cash and the tunnel gave the green light. We moved forward, hitting the little thingy at the end that's designed to stop a person from driving through the car wash and into the wall on the other side. Not that I would know from experience about driving into cement walls.

With a whir and a clang, the machine started chunk-a-chunking its way toward its first cleaning location, our rear bumper. Suddenly, the car started rocking like a boat in a poorly directed, B movie.

“Earthquake!” I yelled, wondering how you flee a car wash when it's falling on your head.

Clunk! The machine stopped. Mysteriously enough, so did the rocking. I looked through the back window to see colorful strips of whirly-washer cloth still clinging to the rear glass, and the machine now seemed a little too intimate with the SUV’s rear bumper.

Panic set in. The whirly-washer had us by the bumper in back and the metal thingy held us in its grasp in front. How were we going to get out?

Before I had a chance to hyperventilate, Russ said, “The car wash seems broken.”

Duh. Do ya think? Those weren’t the most helpful words he’d ever spoken, and I decided I was glad we’d never taken a trip on the Titanic. He’d have been the kind to say, “Oh look, an iceberg. Is it possible we’ll hit it?”

Russ paused, and rather than wait for more words of wisdom to come pouring forth from his lips, I searched under the seat, hoping to find a paper bag to breathe into. Instead I found a stale chocolate chip cookie and a rubber band. Starvation seemed a real possibility so I ate the cookie for sustenance, and then put the rubber band around my head and snapped it a few times.

Russ started laughing. “What are you doing? You have red marks all over your forehead.”

“It's a distraction technique. I'm doing it so I won’t hyperventilate, because in case you haven't noticed ...." I paused for emphasis. "We’re trapped in a car wash!

At that moment, a sign on the wall caught my attention: If car wash breaks down, push this button to release your vehicle’s tires.

I couldn’t believe it—an escape button! I jumped out of the car; water drizzled onto me but I managed to make it over to the button without slipping on the wet concrete and breaking my cumber-bum.

Once … twice … three times I jabbed at the button, but nothing happened. As I was about to scream for help, I noticed another button, just below it. “Don’t worry,” I yelled to Russ, as soapsuds from the machine plopped onto my head. “I was pushing the wrong button. This one will do it!”

Knowing our dilemma was solved, I hit the second button. A hydraulic burst of air—strong enough to blow the hair off my head—blasted through the tunnel, along with a loud whoosh, as the Plexiglas door at the end slid down, closing the exit.

Russ rolled down his window and looked at me. “I’m glad you and I were never on the Titanic together.” He opened the passenger’s side for me. “The whirly-washer moved out of the way when the door came down. Climb in and I’ll back the car out.”

As we did, I looked over toward Dr. Brian’s office, and there on the concrete retaining wall—not more than 5 feet away—stood Dr. Brian and his assistant, Mr. Kevin. I ripped the rubber band off, hoping they hadn't noticed.

“Hi there,” I said, doing my best to look nonchalant despite the fact that I had red streaks all over my forehead, and we were backing the car out of the car wash.

“Do you need any help?” Dr. Brian offered. Then he looked over at Mr. Kevin, and I swear I saw a trace of a grin as he continued, “We’ve been sitting in the office watching you, and now we’re wondering why your car is wet, but still dirty, and why you’re backing it out.”

I didn’t know quite how to explain, so finally said, “The vacuum cleaner didn’t suck, then the car wash tried to eat our SUV, then I pushed the wrong button and it closed the door, then—”

Dr. Brian said, “You know what? Never mind; don’t try to explain.”

And as they walked away, I'm pretty certain I heard Dr. Brian whisper to Mr. Kevin, “Remind me never to go on a cruise with them. I’m afraid it would end up like the Titanic.”

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!




Sam's Club Back to School Event and Giveaway ... by Cindy Beck

The air is cooling, the hay's been cut, the grain has been threshed, and it's time for the kiddos to get back to reading, writin' and 'rithmetic. In honor of the occasion, Sam's Club, General Mills, and MyBlogSpark are holding a back-to-school event.

And I'm holding a fun giveaway!

The Giveaway (August 23-Sep 3, 2010): A $25 Sam's Club Gift Card. Ooo-ha, you can't lose with that!



Sam's Club, General Mills and MyBlogSpark's Thoughts: As your family starts to think about the new school year, you may be wondering how you can collect the most Box Tops to help support participating schools in your area.

For an easy solution, head over to your local Sam´s Club from Aug. 11 through Aug. 31 and earn more cash for your school. At the Sam´s Club Back-to-School Event, you can get a head start on your collection and find 6 Box Tops on participating General Mills products. With your favorite Box Tops for Education brands at a great value, Sam´s Club is your one-stop destination for all the back-to-school supplies you need to send your kids off to school with confidence!

In addition, Sam´s Club is giving you the opportunity to earn even more Box Tops when you upgrade to a "Plus Membership." From Aug. 6 - Aug. 13, or while supplies last, visit the Member Services Desk of your local Sam´s Club and upon payment for your Plus Membership, you will receive a certificate for 150 Bonus Box Tops! For more information on how you can take advantage of the Back-to-School Event at Sam´s Club, visit www.samsclub.com today!

[Note from Cindy: I was at Sam's Club on Aug 16 and they still had the 150 Bonus Box Tops Gift Certificates available, so it's worth looking into when you're there.]

My Opinion: This is a great opportunity to earn money for your favorite school. Sam's Club has a multitude of products from General Mills that carry box top points. I bought a two-pack of Romano's Macaroni Grill Fettuccine Alfredo for a great price and got 6 box tops on each package. If you enjoy New England clam chowder, Progresso offered 14 box tops. And if you're looking for fruit snacks to send in school lunches, Scooby Doo Fruit Snacks offered 6 box tops.

HOW TO ENTER: Leave a comment on this article before midnight, MDT, Sep 3, 2010. Subscribe to my newsletter (on the right sidebar) and tell me you did it, OR mention that you're a newsletter follower to receive an extra entry. If you're not a regular follower, be sure to leave your email address so you can be contacted should you win.

Can't think of anything to say in a comment? Tell me which General Mills products you enjoy the most, or to which school you plan to donate box tops.

(Thanks for entering! This $25 gift card giveaway sponsored by Sam's Club, General Mills, and MyBlogSparkTM . All information, plus the compensation I received in the form of a Sam's Club Plus Membership and a $25 gift card, came from Sam's Club/General Mills through MyBlogSpark. However, my opinions of the event, of the companies involved, and the quality of the products mentioned are my own. If for some reason there is no winner, or I can not get in contact with the winner, I will redraw or give the prize to charity, at MyBlogSpark's and my discretion.)


At the Car Wash ... by C.L. Beck







"Car Wash" © Hu Totya, Wikimedia Commons


Today we're discussing the vastly important topic of dwindling planetary food supplies and the need to have a year's food storage in order to survive the upcoming famine. But first, let's talk about something of even greater impact ... washing cars!

Most days my SUV looks like it was born in a mud hole and raised by the three little pigs. However, a week ago I decided to bite the bullet and take on the onerous task of washing the Nighthawk.

No, I wasn't planning on hosing down those little birds that fly overhead in the evening. "Nighthawk" is the nickname for our black SUV. Black being a relative term, since the car was so covered in dust it looked more like a large lump of burned out charcoal.

At any rate, I pondered the logistics of the event. Get out a bucket of soapy water; drag out the hose; battle Corky Porky Pie, the dog, who thinks a jet of water is a demon; chase off the resident bees by spraying a stream of water at them; take Corky Porky to the vet to have the hose disentangled from his teeth; take myself to the emergency room for multiple bee stings ... or ... (tiny trumpets herald in the distance) ....

Ta-da! Take the car to the car wash!

Now I know that one does not have to be a Harvard graduate nor a genius the caliber of Nancy Pelosi to drive a car through the car wash. However, I've always found it's better to have a second person in attendance in case the car bucks and throws its transmission out of whack on that metal thingy. You know—the one that's designed to stop a person from driving totally through the car wash and into the wall on the other side. Not that I would know from experience about driving into a cement wall.

For that reason, I invited along my husband, Russ, who is neither a Harvard graduate nor resembles Nancy Pelosi. Well, except maybe for that wild-eyed, "I'm almost ready for the state mental institution" look that they both have in common. But ... that's a topic for another time.

We drove to the car wash. It’s conveniently located just outside my optometrist's office, should one ever need a car wash and an eye exam at the same time. After nearly sideswiping the metal vacuum cleaners—yes, those ones that resemble something from the old TV show, Lost in Space—Russ stopped the SUV. I thought about asking him if he wanted to step over for a visit with Dr. Brian but when I opened my mouth to speak, Russ gave me that wild-eyed Nancy Pelosi look.

I reconsidered.

Russ stepped out of the Nighthawk and plunked 75¢ into the vacuum canister to start it. I opened the door, clapped my hands on my ears, and over a roar rivaling that of a C-130 military transport yelled, "How much time do you get for 75¢?"

“At least five or ten …”

The rest of Russ’s words were drowned out as the vacuum cleaner’s pitch and volume rose. Dust swirled around us and the machine started blowing bits of bubble gum and cigarette butts out its other end. I ran over to see if I could help—just in time for the vacuum cleaner to end its cycle.

“That’s it?” I looked at Russ in disbelief. “We got thirty seconds for 75¢? That sucks!”

“You don’t need to yell anymore,” Russ said, holding his head as if I’d broken his eardrums. “And, no, it didn’t really suck. All it did was spit out someone else’s previously vacuumed dirt.”

We stood in the hot sun, staring at the machine for five minutes more, debating whether it really sucked or not, and then I noticed a slight movement at Dr. Brian’s window. I peered through my sunglasses—which unfortunately did not fit over the new glasses Dr. Brian sold me—and considered whether we were being watched. But since my new glasses were hooked into the top button of my shirt so I wouldn’t lose them, rather than sitting on my nose so I could see, everything looked blurry.

Calling over my shoulder to Russ, I said, "Do you think Dr. Brian can see us over here?"

"Naw. And even if he could, why would he want to spend time watching people at the car wash? You're just being paranoid."

I stared at the blurry windows and wondered—just because a person is paranoid, does it mean that someone isn't watching? I wasn't so sure ....

[Stay tuned for the rest of the story in two weeks. In the meantime, drop off a comment and tell me if you’ve ever encountered a vacuum that sucked—or didn’t as the case may be—and whether or not you’ve had that prickly-feeling-on-the-back-of-the-neck that tells you someone is watching.]

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!




Old Rock Star Songs

Received in an email from Sharon Robinson

Being a child of the 60s and 70s, I always love rock and roll parodies. The other day my sister-in-law sent me this video and it gave me a good laugh. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!



(If you enjoyed the video, drop off a comment and tell me which of Tim Hawkins' selections you liked the most. My favorite is the Neil Diamond parody.)

Over the River and Through the Woods ... by C.L. Beck


Muir Woods © National Park Service, Wikimedia Commons


A few weeks ago, when the weather was hot enough to make the hens lay hard-boiled eggs, we talked about taking a drive up the canyon to enjoy some cool air and take pictures. By "we" I mean my husband, Russ, whose idea of fun is sitting in an air-conditioned TV room and eating huge mounds of ice cream, and my dog, Corky Porky, whose version of recreation is slurping ice cream out of the bowl when Russ is done.

Yes, I know it's disgusting, but I've told Russ that mounds of ice cream aren’t good for his cholesterol.

I stood in front of Russ, blocking the television with my body. Not that my backside is the size of a 42-inch TV screen, but it does obstruct some of it. I made eye contact with him, hoping to impress Russ with the vastly important message I was about to deliver. "I'd like to take my stuffed bear, Swayze, up the mountains and take some pictures of him in the woods. I could use the photos on greeting cards. Would you like to come along?"

Well, okay, maybe what I really said was, “You are definitely coming along with me up the canyon so that I don’t get eaten by a four-legged creature or attacked by muggers!”

Russ stared at me, wordless. I wasn't sure if that meant he had too much ice cream in his mouth to talk, or if he’d heard me wrong and was envisioning battling a four-legged mugger. Finally he said, "Umm, it's really hot out and I don't think it's going to be much cooler up the canyon.”

Corky Porky tilted his head at the word “cooler” and broke into a barking frenzy, which I interpreted as a show of solid support for my proposed jaunt. Really, I’m sure there was no way he barked because he knew “cooler” was where the food goes.

After much gentle persuasion on my part toward Russ—something akin to day trading at the stock exchange, where I gave up having Russ do dishes for a week in trade for his companionship—we packed up the dog, the stuffed bear (that would be Swayze, not Russ) and headed up the canyon.

No more than fifteen minutes later, and a mile or two up the road, I noticed a pattern of large splotches on the asphalt. Unfortunately, so did Russ. “Uh-oh,” he said. “It looks like cows are being herded up the canyon.”

Cows! That meant cow manure at every step. That also meant my fearless bodyguard would want to return home.

And so would Russ.

“That’s probably not from cattle,” I said, hedging. After all, we hadn't actually seen any cows on the road. “Somebody probably dropped a watermelon or two.”

Russ looked at me and raised his eyebrows. “Watermelon is red, and does not in any way resemble hay after it's been through the cow.”

“Well, watermelon has a green rind and when squished by a tire looks like cow pies!”

“Humph,” Russ said. Thank goodness the sharp curves in the road, and the piles of cow pies … er ... I mean, watermelons, kept his attention for the next several miles.

We finally arrived at a nice little meadow, stopped the car, and climbed out. Regardless of the fact that it wasn’t much cooler than it’d been in the valley, I set the teddy bear on a stump and started shooting photos.

“Dang!” Russ said. “There are flies here. They’re eating Corky and me up!” The sound of Russ slapping at the little buggars echoed off the canyon walls and almost distracted me from taking photos.

I fired off a few more shots.



“The flies can’t be that bad,” I said, repositioning Swayze, and hoping that my perspiration dripping onto the camera wouldn’t hamper its ability to get a clear focus.

“Oh yeah? Take a look!”

I turned and saw flies—ones with the accuracy of F-22 Stealth Raptors—attacking Russ and Corky Porky Pie. Russ waved his hands in the air, trying to fend them off, while Corky snapped at them with his teeth.

And then I realized they were also after me. I grabbed Swayze and tore off for the car, nearly running into a tree while trying to wipe sweat out of one eye and watching for cow patties with the other. Russ and Corky Porky Pie followed close behind. By the time we got inside the SUV, we were breathing heavy and perspiring like pigs at a luau.

“So much for it being cooler up here,” Russ said, causing Corky Porky to erupt in another barking frenzy. Only this time inside the car and inches from our ears.

You’ll be happy to know we made it home again with one ear apiece that could still hear, and only fifty-eleven fly bites. I learned my lesson, though. Never, ever again will I try convincing Russ that cow patties are actually smashed watermelons on the canyon road.

No sir-ee. Next time I’m telling him those are key lime pies … and I’m taking along bug spray to protect me from the muggers-disguised-as-flies.


------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!




The Allegory of the Chicken and the Pilates Class ... by C.L. Beck


Photo © Mindaugas Urbonas, Wikimedia Commons

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a bird who thought she was in pretty good shape, especially considering the fact that she was no longer a spring chick. Or even a mature hen. Being half a century old, she was more like a tough ol’ bird. (Wow. Half a century. Seriously … putting it that way makes me her sound really ancient!)

At any rate, one day while walking with her friend, Irma—who was still pretty much a cute, young chick—they talked about taking a Pilates class.

Irma’s blue eyes reflected anxiety. “I’m not so sure about doing that. It sounds like you’d have to be really fit to try it. Plus, I don’t think I have the chicken feed to pay for it.”

But, the Ol’ Bird didn’t notice Irma’s apprehension because she was too busy preening her feathers and admiring the shape of her own drumsticks. They looked pretty dang good, for being a half-century old. Then the Ol’ Bird stooped to tie a shoelace that straggled from her shoe, and ….

What? Yes, I know chickens don’t wear shoes, but this story is what my skilled writing compatriots call an extreme load of baloney allegory, so I’m allowed to write it however I want.

Back to the story … the Ol’ Bird stooped to tie a shoelace that straggled from her shoe, and in a muffled voice—which she felt certain came from having such a plump chicken chest, but actually resulted from her not-so-firm stomach pushing against her diaphragm until she couldn’t breathe—said, “It’s a cinch. You lie on the floor on a soft mat, listen to music played on a sitar, and stretch a little. You can do that, Irma! And the first class is free, so you don’t have to worry about not having enough chicken feed.”

As the Ol’ Bird stood back up, she felt a slight twinge in her hamstring. Which probably, technically, should be called a chickenstring. Rubbing the back side of her fat muscular chicken thigh, she said “Ouch, wait a second. I’ve got a hitch in my get-along.”

It should have been a warning to the Ol’ Bird.

After a few minutes of gentle massage, the hitch eased and they resumed walking. Despite apparent reservations, Irma agreed to try the class and so the following day, off we went to Pilates. Umm, I mean they went to Pilates.

The trouble is, neither of them had a mat. And neither of them liked sitar music. Luckily, it wasn’t played in the class, anyway. If memory serves me correctly—which it couldn’t since this is an allegory and I wasn’t supposed to be there—the Pilates Chicken played country western music.

As it turned out, the Ol’ Bird wasn’t especially fond of country music. She would have preferred something along the lines of the 1960s era Beatles. Which is not exactly “music to do Pilates by,” either. Irma, however, seemed to enjoy the melodies.

And then there was the twisting. The Ol’ Bird discovered that despite her shapely drumsticks, plump chest, and preened feathers, she wasn’t in nearly the limber shape she’d thought previously. Her chickenstrings hurt like heck, and her back had a crick in it from all that twisting. Irma, though, had no trouble holding the poses, looking as if she were born that way.

“Work with your core colors,” the Pilates Chicken stated. Irma’s face took on a dreamy look. The Ol’ Bird had no clue what her core colors were, unless she counted red for blood and yellow for the little bit of chicken fat she was certain she didn’t have. So instead, she conjured green for the grass that needed to be mowed, pink for the flowers that needed weeding, and brown for the hamburger in the fridge that needed browning.

“Relax, clear your mind and center your being,” the Pilates Chicken intoned. Irma became motionless, tranquil. The Ol’ Bird, however, fell off the mat which the Pilates Chicken had so kindly loaned her.

When the class finished, the Ol’ Bird could barely walk. With bedraggled feathers and a pulled chickenstring, she limped out of the building, while her friend looked happy and refreshed. In fact, Irma clucked on and on about how much she enjoyed the experience until the Ol’ Bird became so exasperated she gave Irma a sharp rap on the head with her beak. Then the Ol’ Bird went home and soaked her sore muscles in a hot bird bath every night for a week, and vowed never to exercise again.

And so now you know the allegory of the chicken and the Pilates class.

What? You think there should be a moral to the story? Okay, how about this … no matter how fit you think you are, birds of a feather should never do Pilates together.

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



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Book Review of "Leaning into the Curves" ... by C.L. Beck



Recently, the opportunity arose to do a review of the book, Leaning into the Curves, written by Nancy Anderson and Carroll Hofeling Morris, and the book sounded intriguing, so I accepted.

From the Back Cover of Leaning into the Curves
Molly is happy with her life the way it is, taking the classes she loves and performing with the Fiddling Finleys. But everything changes when her husband, Hank, retires. She's still trying to adjust to this new phase of life when he brings home a Honda Gold Wing—even though he knows she hates motorcycles! Things go from bad to worse when he joins the Temple Riders Association, a “Mormon motorcycle gang” that combines road trips with temple work. Faced with the prospect of being left behind when Hank rides with with his new friends, Molly starts making some changes of her own.

What Other People are Saying about Leaning into the Curves
A Mormon Motorcycle Gang?! Who knew?! The Temple Riders Association (TRA) is interesting enough on its own to fill a novel. When it enters the life of solid-as-a-rock Hank and artsy-motor-cycle-phobic Molly, it puts their marriage to the ultimate test. Though I'm not an empty nester, I related to many of the conflicts Molly and Hank have to resolve as they realize once again just how different they are. I found their adventures and the change in perspective they lead to both entertaining and enlightening. Leaning Into The Curves is populated with fun, colorful characters I won't soon forget. A wonderful novel for fiction lovers of any age. ~ Keri, customer review at DeseretBook.com

For a fun interview with the authors, go to LDS Women's Book Review.

My Opinion of Leaning into the Curves
I'd heard of the Temple Rider's Association before reading this book, so had a small inkling what the group did. However, I must admit that I had no in-depth idea how it worked or why they did it. Leaning into the Curves did a great job of explaining, in a fictional setting, that the group wasn't a "gang" and giving the reasons behind why the story's characters combined riding motorcycles with visiting LDS temples—that is, to ride motorcycles because they love the feeling of freedom and adventure, and to visit LDS temples in order to serve the Lord.

What I especially enjoyed about this book was the insight given into the minds of LDS women through the main character, Molly, and into the relationship issues that can arise between a husband and wife at retirement. There were several times when I laughed at the accurate, humorous way in which the authors portrayed the differences in how men and women think—especially when it came to Molly's fear of motorcycles, and Hank's feeling he no longer needed to be held to his promise to never ride one.

Although I don't think Anderson and Morris necessarily intended for the book to be a primer on the LDS culture and mindset, they did an excellent job of portraying both of those, and accomplished it with a fun, easy-to-read story. I'd recommend this book to both men and women ... just to get them thinking about retirement, how to spend time together without driving each other crazy, and the need to really express feelings in a relationship. Not to mention recommending it for the fun of reading a book that they'll enjoy!

The book is geared for readers who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), and although those who aren't members might enjoy the story, there will be religious terms that are unknown to them. Despite that, anyone who can relate to enjoying motorcycles; to being at, or near, retirement age; or to the issues that crop up when husbands and wives spend a significant amount of time together will enjoy the book.

To Purchase Leaning into the Curves
You can purchase Leaning into the Curves at LDS bookstores near you, as well as online at DeseretBook.com.

(Disclosure: This book was given to me by Deseret Book, for review purposes. I was not compensated in any other way, and my opinion of the book is my own.)

Take a Bow ... by C.L. Beck



Today we’re discussing the environmentally friendly topic of recycled bathroom tissue. Yes, there really is such a thing, and it's not what you're thinking. But before we get into that, let’s talk about something of even greater importance—my husband’s inability to teach our dog, Corky Porky Pie, to bow.

Russ and Corky Porky have a wonderful relationship. Mostly because Russ feeds Corky snacks that put weight on both the man and his dog—things like Cheetos, jerky, and popcorn. There isn’t a single food that Russ and his best friend won’t eat. Well, except maybe lettuce. Probably because it’s healthy.

Russ also likes to teach Corky tricks. Things like, “Catch and eat this piece of hot dog.” “Catch and eat this piece of bacon.” “Catch and eat this sunny-side-up egg.”

Splat!

As is often the case with man and his best friend, the wife teaches the dog the important things. Commands like come, sit, stay, roll over, and play dead all fall under my jurisdiction.




Oh, and also the phrase, “Be quick.”

For those who can’t guess, that’s a polite way of telling the dog—when he’s outside—to go do his thing. I try never to give that particular command indoors. Which means I can’t ever say to Russ, “Shut that oven door before the cake falls, and be quick about it!”

We’ve had a few near accidents with the phrase. Russ often forgets that it’s a command and can’t be used as a question with the dog. He’ll be sitting in his recliner (Russ, not the dog) and when Corky goes into a barking frenzy—which should be a sign to Russ that the dog needs to go out—he’ll look at Corky Porky and say, “What? Do you need to be quick?”

That’s followed by a mad dash up the stairs and a race to get the dog out the door before he promptly follows Russ’s unintentional command to empty his bladder … in the house.

Now I know that there may be a few of you who don’t believe Corky Porky Pie can actually perform this command, but let me assure you, it’s true. I am not making this up, because if I were to make up a bizarre dog trick in the politically incorrect topic of doggy doody, it would consist of the dog scrubbing the toilet on command.

But, back to the subject. For seven years, Russ has been saying, “Bow!” and for seven years Corky has sat, rolled over, and played dead when told to bow. However, today Russ almost had a break through. Literally.

As I sat lacing up my tennis shoes so we could take a walk around the block, Russ said, “Look! Look! I’ve figured out how to make Corky bow. Watch.”

Corky Porky’s brown eyes filled with questions as Russ held half of him in place at one end and enticed him with a treat at the other. I felt certain that would only give the dog a brain cramp and he’d never learn the trick, so went back to tying my laces. Suddenly I heard a commotion and Russ saying, “Catch me, catch me, catch me!”

I know some of you reading this are men, but I’m guessing some of you are also women. Since those are the only two genders available in life, I think I have a pretty good chance of being mostly right on that. And if so, the women in the group will understand this is not meant as an insult toward men when I say that the thought zipped through my brain that guys try to teach their dogs the strangest tricks. What man needs a dog to catch him? If Corky tried to catch Russ, he’d end up as a flat, little Corky Porky pancake.

Naturally, that mental image only took a micro second to flash through my mind, to be replaced by a feeling of unease, so I looked up to see what was happening and saw Russ stumbling head first toward the living room wall. Apparently the words, “Catch me, catch me, catch me!” were not directed to the dog after all.

I looked at Russ and looked at the wall. An ol’ spring chick like me could never get up from tying shoes in time to prevent a turtle from creeping into the wall, much less prevent Russ from becoming an interesting part of the decor. It takes 20 minutes to unkink my hips and get them working, which is one reason why I’ve never won the Utah State Belly Dancing Championships. Well, that and because I don’t look good in a veil.

Fortunately, Russ put on the brakes, and stopped within inches. He caught his balance and said, "I went to stand up and used the recliner as leverage, but it spun in a circle instead and threw me at the wall.” Only Russ could have a fight with a recliner and lose.

Russ wiped the sweat from his brow, and took a deep, calming breath. So did I. Then not knowing what else to do, but wanting to show support, I clapped my hands in appreciation for his death defying feat.

And that's when Corky Porky took a bow.

That's all there is to the story ... except now I'm thinking that for Corky's next trick, Russ should teach him how to put a roll of that new, recycled TP onto the holder.


------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck, all images © Bumblebee Photo/byTheBecks------

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That's When the Fight Started



Photo by Wayne Short, ©Wikimedia Commons


My friend and fellow writer, C. Larene Hall, sent me this in an email, and I couldn't resist sharing. Hope you laugh as much as I did! Drop off a comment and tell me which one was your favorite.


And That's When the Fight Started ...


One year, a husband decided to buy his wife a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- ------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, my book, my car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I thought I was being clever at her foolishness when I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway, so here, you can use this."

And that's when the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My gosh!" I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...


------Author unknown------