The Germ Theory ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2008
(Keywords: Cindy Beck, germs, germ theory, cold, scientist, humor, Latter-day Saints, LDS, Your LDS Radio, yourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Germs—bad, bad germs. I once knew a doctor who told his patients he didn’t believe in the germ theory. It was a joke and if I didn’t have an awful cold right now, I’m sure I’d find it funny.

Have you ever thought about germs? It’s never been proven, but I believe they’re part of an insidious plot. Nowadays everything is thought to be a conspiracy, so why not the common cold?

Can’t you just see it? A scientist with wavy hair, a polka-dotted bow tie and black glasses is sitting on the stool in his lab. Chemicals bubble in beakers, heat rises from his Bunsen burner, the scent of formaldehyde and sulfuric acid mixed with the smell of a bologna sandwich wafts through the air. He ignores it all in his effort to train a germ to do its duty.

The scientist lovingly pats the germ on the head. “Now go on out there, find every Latter-day Saint that you can, and give them a cold right before they’re scheduled to speak in church.”

“Yes, my master,” the germ replies.

“And don’t forget parties. Lay them low as they sit at the ward dinner, chatting with each other and counting it as home and visiting teaching.”

“Yes, my master.” Apparently this germ has learned how to divide and multiply, but he doesn’t have very good language skills.

“Cloud their minds so they forget to use a handkerchief when they cough,” the scientist continues.

“Yes, my master.”

Hold on a minute. This cold germ is starting to sound like Darth Vader talking to the Emperor. Maybe we’d better beef his character up a little the next time he speaks.

The scientist’s eyes gleam with insane pleasure behind lenses thicker than the Hubble telescope. “When they go to meetings, impress them to shake hands.”

The germ blinks in confusion. “My master, I don’t need to do that. We’re in Utah, which is an ancient, Native American word for ‘people who can’t meet without shaking hands.’”

“Oh, I always thought it meant ‘people who can’t meet without refreshments.’” The scientist slicks back the germ’s hair, straightens its little polka dot tie and sends it off into the big, wide world.

You might think I’m making this up in my illness-fogged mind, but I’m living proof that germs do exist. That very same bug showed up and managed to infiltrate its way into my life, giving me the wretched cold I have today.

I’m on to the germ, though. Knowing that I’m contagious, I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I refuse to cooperate in spreading the monster around. I’m not sending it by computer to my writer friends, either. Before starting this blog entry, I sprayed my keyboard with Lysol.

Although ... now that I think about it, maybe that explains the zzzzzt, zzzt, zzzt sound and sparks flying as I type.

Despite my burning fever, hacking cough, and legs that feel Pinocchio’s, I wanted to warn you about it. Germs—they’re more than a theory. They’re out to get you. Pass it on!

What's playing in my head: Germs, Germs, Germs by Jennifer Fixman

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G. Parker said...

Oh yeah...there's been one going around here that lasts for 3 weeks...I'm on the third week and ready to be over it!! ugh. Hope you get better soon!

Karlene said...

I'm reading this before breakfast and your link to the fried bologna sandwich just about tossed my cookies. Except I don't have any cookies because I haven't had breakfast. But cookies for breakfast. . .hmmm, that sounds good.

C. LaRene Hall said...

This was funny, and I certainly agree. I attended another ward on Sunday and unlike you the Relief Society teacher showed up with a cold. I could tell she was still sick because she kept rubbing at her nose without a hanky and her forhead was wrikled as though she had a bad headache. She didn't sound as bad as she looked, but I did keep wondering why she was there spreading germs.

Kimberly Job said...

Too funny! You're always good for a laugh.

My mom still insists my kids are going to catch a cold from going outside without their coats. I've tried to explain the concept of germs to her, but she still doesn't get it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Cathy said...

My husband likes germs so much that he brings them home from the clinic to share with us. He brings home all sorts of fun new germs all winter long. Of course we go out and share them with lots of other people so that they can go back to the clinic and see my husband, and then we can afford to send the kids to college. It's kind of a germy-go-round.

Nichole Giles said...

Here here! I agree. Germs are out to get us all. Did you know, that very same scientist created another germ and sent it out into the world to infect children? Only this one has the ability to jump across entire neighborhoods and infect entire families at a time.

We didn't go to church on Sunday either, because three out of four of our kids weren't feeling well. I'm sorry to hear you feel so terrible. Get well soon!


PS I wonder if we can discover the whereabouts of this evil scientific lab? We should infect that scientist with his own germs to see how he likes it!

Danyelle Ferguson said...

Yep - we've been down for the last two weeks. I hope you feel better very, very soon!!!

Ronda Gibb Hinrichsen said...

Now here's a conspiracy I can believe! Great job, Cindy.

Janice said...

I think my mom is in league with this germ, too. I often call her to see how she is doing. Whenever she's sick, she'll say something like, "I'm feeling so sick, but I've got to get my Primary lesson ready so I can teach the kids tomorrow." What!!?? I think being less "reliable" is a better tact!