Rolayne, the Telemarketer … by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, phone, telephone, telemarketing, pranks, Magic 8-Ball, humorous writing, humorous blog, humor blog, funny, smile, laugh, humor)

My husband, Russ, likes to pull pranks on our family and his favorite one involves his alter-ego, Rolayne. For example, he might call his sister on the phone and when she answers, he’ll raise his voice to a falsetto and say, “Hi. This is Rolayne. I haven’t seen you in a while, honey. What say we put on some lipstick and head to a disco club? By the way, girlfriend, would you like to buy some sweaty gym socks?” Before Russ’s sister has a chance to stop laughing and catch her breath, Rolayne keeps saying weirder things and adding in more bizarre sale items.

Rolayne is a legend throughout Russ’s family and that “woman” has offered to sell—among other things—burned out light bulbs to our son, and used baby diapers to Russ’s mom. Each time Russ does it, I get up off the floor, wipe tears of laughter from my eyes, and say, “One of these days that will backfire on you.”

Really, am I clairvoyant, or what? My psychic advice is so much better than what Russ would get from a Magic 8-Ball.

Before I go any farther, though, let me give a little background information. My cell phone has ringtones assigned to specific callers. The tone assigned to our son, Dave, started with a metallic twang that caused me to catapult out of my chair, burning my forehead on the overhead light. Being a quick learner, I changed the ring after five or six months.

Fortunately for the sake of blog fodder—but unfortunately for Russ—the ringtone for all the other calls still sounded similar to Dave’s old tone. And the other day when my cell phone rang, Russ answered it …

Russ: Hello.

College Kid: Hi. I’m interested in your rental home.

Russ: Okay, and when were you looking at renting?

College Kid: This summer. Can you tell me how much you charge?

Russ: (thinking the caller is Dave, taking revenge for the burned-out light bulbs): 5 million dollars a weekend.

College Kid: Oh!

Russ: And how many people will be renting?

College Kid: There are two of us.

Russ: Well, the amount I gave was per person.

College Kid: (No words. Long, dead silence.)

Russ (pausing as a dim, but environmentally-conscious, energy-efficient, mercury-filled light bulb blinks on over his head): Umm … who is this?

College Kid: Jeff Swanson*

Russ: Sorry. I thought you were my son.

College Kid: I’m not your son.

Russ: So, you were really looking at renting?

College Kid: Not any more.

I have to say that even though Rolayne hadn’t meant to show up, it was her finest hour.

*This is not College Kid’s real name. Please note that no college students were injured, maimed, or otherwise harmed in the events leading up to this blog—although, there is a student who’s probably walking around in a daze. And let me reassure you that I didn’t make the phone conversation up, either. Just call Rolayne at 1-800-I-Sell-Sweaty-Gym-Socks and ask her.

What's playing in my head: It Might be You (Theme song from "Tootsie") by Stephen Bishop.

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Rachelle Christensen said...

Hilarious! I loved this because I like to do something similar to my family, hee, hee! :)

Anonymous said...

This is SO much funnier after meeting Russ in person! How hilarious! Him and Fred would get along great! Heaven forbid we ever let them in the same room with a telephone! L^>

Girl Tornado said...

Hmmm, Russ sounds like my son, who is ALWAYS playing phone tricks... Josh doesn't have a persona like Rolayne, he just adopts any ole voice and tricks everyone in the family, even his wife, all the time! I think the difference is that my son is 27 and Russ is how old? Does this mean my son will never grow up???

G. Parker said...

Dang! LOL. It always comes back in the end...grin. I'd love to hear him with a telemarketer!

Watchman said...

Another great post. Perhaps those pesky telemarketers I keep getting are really just Rolayne trying to brighten up my day.

Cindy Beck, author said...

Rachelle, Weston, Oz Girl, G. Parker, and Watchman ... thanks so much for commenting. I'm glad you all enjoyed the post!

Nichole Giles said...

Wow, that is what I call Karma! I'll keep Rolayne in mind the next time I have a reason to call your house and get some weird, falsetto lady on the phone.


Karlene said...

Ha-ha! That was great.

Slamdunk said...

Wow, I bet many of your friends want to know your exact schedule--to make sure when they call that you are the one to pick-up the phone.

Rachelle Christensen said...

One of these days we might have to have Rolayne call someone in the AI group--like on April Fool's. :) I posted a review about the Scrapbox on my blog, if you’d like to see a pic, come visit!

Anna Maria Junus said...

So there's you and Russ? How did your kids turn out?

Cindy Beck, author said...

Nichole, Karlene, Slamdunk, Anna and Rachelle: Glad you enjoyed the post ... everyone should have a telemarketer like Roylayne in their home. Hey, now that I've said that, I'd be happy to loan you mine. :)

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

Sigh... being "his sister" is my claim to fame!! Russ is a treasure... Say, Rolayne, where you bin?... I'z awaitin to hear from ya!!!.......... Love ya both!