Universal Laws

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

Although things can go wrong on any day of the week, Mondays seem to have a propensity for being the day that starts out dismal and then goes downhill. So, in honor of Monday—and may you all have a wonderful one instead of a bleak one—here is a list of universal laws.


Photo © Skeezix1000 at Wikimedia Commons

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll need to use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will....

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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Now that you've read them, drop off a comment and tell me which is your favorite. Mine is #18, because it's definitely true for me. (Thanks to Karlene Browning for sending this list to me in an email!)

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A Close Shave ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck



Today we're discussing the vital topic of the effect of fossil fuel combustion on earth’s atmosphere. But first, let's talk about an even more germane topic—body hair.

Last Christmas I bought Russ a new electric razor, and being the nice guy that he is, he offered to let me have his old one. I looked at it, cocked my head, and contemplated the possibilities. It could be used to shave my legs, which meant no more slices on my ankle that require ten stitches to close.

A few days later, while hurrying to get ready for church, a truly ingenious idea zipped into my brain. I said to myself, “That razor worked pretty well on leg hair ...."



"... so why go crossed-eyed trying to look into my armpits while shaving them with a safety razor, when I can look in the mirror and use an electric shaver?”

Perhaps I need to clarify. For those with beards, and for the other 90% of the women on the planet, a safety razor is the pink one with the double blade that sits in your shower for 2 years, and that you’ve used to shave your legs and underarms. The same one that at this point is so dull it pulls the hairs out one by one. And yet, if you run your thumb over it to see if the blade has any life left, you’ll need ten stitches to close the wound. Yup, that’s the one.

Well, as I said, this ingenious idea to shave my armpits with an electric razor zipped through my brain. I whipped it out (the razor, not my brain) and ran it across my left armpit—

“Aaaiiii!” My scream of pain bounced through the house and woke Corky Porky Pie, the dog, up from a sound sleep. He ran barking into the bathroom as I threw the electric razor into the sink and grabbed my stinging armpit. “Russ, come help me. I’ve cut myself!”

He barreled into the bathroom, and now the three of us stood crammed in a room the size of a telephone booth—only one with a toilet instead of a pay phone—and inspected my underarm. Russ patted me on the shoulder. “It’s not bleeding much yet, but you’ve cut it in several places and you might get a spot or two of blood on your church clothes if you don't wait a while to get dressed.”

Giving him my best Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry stare, while still holding my arm in the air and dancing around the room in pain, I said, “What do you mean it’s not bleeding yet? Of course it is! It's hemorrhaging! What can I use that will help?”

Russ looked dubious. “I don’t know. A dab of toilet paper?”

And that’s when I had my second brilliant idea of the day. Around our house we use a handy little product that functions as the perfect bandage—one that doesn’t fall off easily and seals the wounds so it heals in half the time. Fanning my stinging armpit, which coincidentally stung even more now that I could see it in the mirror, I said, “Go get the Super Glue!”

At that point, Russ failed me. Oh yes, he went and grabbed the Super Glue all right, but where he failed me is that he should have said, “No, that’s a harebrained idea if I’ve ever heard one. Let me take you to the doctor for such a mortal wound.”

What he did say while brushing on the adhesive was, “Hold still or you’re gonna have Super Glue running all the way down your ribs and as soon as you put your arm down, it’ll permanently stick to your side.”

By the time he finished painting the stuff on, I no longer felt the pain of the razor cuts. Instead, my brain was numb from the fumes, yet I had to continue holding my arm straight up in the air for fear of gluing my armpit to itself. I walked around for hours looking like a flagpole. Eventually, it all healed and days later the glue finally wore off … but not before it broke into stuck-tight chunks that kept stabbing me in my underarm.

There was one small consolation to the incident, however. I figured out why the razor sliced and diced instead of shaving. Because I had deodorant on, the razor’s blades stuck to the skin, acting more or less like an electric meat cleaver, and thereby giving me such grievous wounds.

I’ve learned my lesson. From here on, if I accidentally cut any sensitive areas, I am not using Super Glue. And I’m not shaving my armpits with an electric razor, either … instead, I’ll let the hair grow long and put it in French braids.


------ © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------


This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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Winner of the Green Giant Contest

And the winner of the Green Giant Contest is ... Carol L!

Congratulations, Carol! Please email me your mailing address and phone number so that Green Giant can send you the coupon for free Green Giant veggies and the gift pack.



Thanks to all to entered. Better luck next time to those who didn't win!

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Funny Puns

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

It's Monday ... and that says it all, right? It's my opinion that whoever is in charge should do away with Mondays and give us two Saturdays in the week. Unfortunately, it's unlikely the Wish Fairy will grant that anytime soon (bad ol' fairy), so here are a few fun puns to brighten your day.



Funny Punnys
(Received in an email, author unknown)

Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller prison escapee is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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Today's the last day to enter the current giveaway for free veggies and a gift pack!


If you haven't already entered, head over to the Green Giant Contest, and leave a comment for a chance to win!

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For the Love of St. Patrick's Day ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck




I love St. Patrick’s Day—the leprechauns, the shamrocks, the spaghetti. Come to think of it, it was the spaghetti that got me into trouble....

“St. Patrick’s Day is coming,” I said to my son, Davey, while thoughtfully stroking my chin. “What can we do to celebrate?”

Being a nine-year-old, he came up with a brilliant suggestion. “We could ride bikes!”

I patted him on the head, and wondered where I’d gone wrong in life if he couldn’t come up with something more exciting than riding bikes. Where was his imagination, his zest for life, his sense of advent—

“We could ride bikes up in the hills and jump them off cliffs!” he said, beaming at the idea. I turned pale, envisioning the medical costs. There’d be plenty o’ green if we tried that one ... green in the doctor’s pocket.

I reached out to pat his head and decided to pat his shoulder instead. Just for a change of pace. “That’s not quite what I meant. I was thinking more along the lines of cooking. What could we cook for St. Patrick’s Day that would be fun?”

Davey’s face went blank. “I dunno.”

What was wrong with the boy? What nine-year-old mind wouldn’t be brimming with cooking ideas? Where was his imagination, his zest for life, his sense of advent—

“I know what we could do, Mom. We could cook green spaghetti!”

I tried to envision spaghetti sauce the color of shamrocks. Somehow I wasn’t certain how to accomplish that. Make it with green chilies? Naw, that didn’t sound too appetizing, and despite the color, it didn’t sound very Irish, either.

And then it hit me. Dye the spaghetti noodles!

I pulled out a big pot, filled it with water and put it on the stove. Then I went hunting for the food coloring. I added a few drops, and it all but disappeared in that ocean of water. So, I added another two or three drips ... or maybe ten.

Aaaah yes, now the water seemed appropriately green. Davey took a long look at it. “It looks like swamp water, Mom.”

Critic. It seemed that everyone was a food critic. I gave him my best Wolfgang Puck stare and said, “Vhat? You tink dis food is gonna taste like a svamp?”

Davey looked at me questioningly. Okay, so maybe my accent wasn’t quite Puckish enough, and I should have quoted Adam Savage (from Mythbusters), “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”

Fifteen minutes later, when the spaghetti noodles were supposed to be ready, they were still hard as rocks. Possibly because of the dye, but more likely because I’d forgotten to turn on the burner.

And wasn’t it strange how the noodles were turning more of an off-green color? Oh well, it would all be remedied once the water boiled and they cooked. Then they would be a lovely, sparkling green. Green like a gem in a leprechaun’s pot o’ gold … er … pot o’ emeralds.

Fifteen minutes later, the noodles were ready—warm, succulent, wonderful.

I set them on the table, and my husband, Russ, did a double take. “I think there’s something wrong with those noodles. Have they been in the fridge too long?”

Davey scrunched down in his seat, probably trying to look invisible, as if he hadn’t been the one to add food coloring to the water.

Oh, okay, so he hadn’t been the one. That was no reason to let me take all the blame. I shrugged my shoulders and with my best imitation of a snobby, high society chef from the cooking show, Hell’s Kitchen, said, “Of course they haven’t been in the fridge too long. I just cooked them a few minutes ago!” To emphasize my point, I pulled a long strand of spaghetti out of the bowl and dangled it for Russ to see.

It did look a little less than emerald. In fact, it looked more like mold-green … as in, sat-in-the-refrigerator-for-six-months green. Not that I would know from experience about things turning color in the fridge for six months. Four months is my limit.

Davey didn’t seem to mind the spaghetti at all, and ate his fill. Russ managed to eat a few forks full before he gave up and ate green beans and green gelatin for his St. Patrick’s Day dinner. But hey, at least the gelatin was shiny and looked like an emerald, albeit, a jiggly one.

I learned my lesson and no longer cook green spaghetti. And with St. Patrick’s Day not far off, I’ve already started planning my menu. I’m thinking this year I’ll try something really unique—green hamburgers should impress everyone!


------ © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------


This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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Memory Loss ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Funny Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck



Memory loss ... it seems to be on my mind a lot lately. Or not. It all depends on how much memory loss I'm having on which day as to whether or not I can remember if I'm forgetting things.

Is that totally confusing? (Yup, I thought so, but if it makes you feel any better, I'm confused, too.)

I'm not saying I have total memory loss. No, indeed-y. I'm thinking it's just that my brain needs more RAM. Or is it ROM? I can't remember. At any rate, this video is so much fun that I laughed out loud, and I know you will enjoy it, too.

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The Day I Broke El Diablo ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck




Isn't cowboy poetry fun? Some of the poems brings tears of sadness to the eyes, while others bring side-splitting laughter. I'm a fan of cowboy poetry, and although I'm not experienced enough to feel comfortable standing up in front of people and reading aloud my own verses, I don't mind sharing it with my readers ... just don't ask me to recite it!


The Day I Broke El Diablo
By C.L. Beck

I used to be a cowgirl, once,
Back in my younger days
And when I broke Diablo
It brought accolade and praise.

I climbed up on that critter,
While he stomped and pawed the dirt.
I pulled my hat a way down low
And tuckered in my shirt.

I gave a little, bitty poke
With spurs, upon his side
And he bucked so mighty, awful hard
I thought I’d almost died.

He crow hopped this-a-way and that,
And fifteen feet of air
Showed between my lucky saddle
And my little derriere.

I knew I needed somethin’ good
That wasn’t too overt,
That would keep me in the pocket
So I wouldn’t hit the dirt.

So, I slid down off that bronco,
Took a wad out of my pack
Stuck it tight on to the saddle,
Then climbed right up on his back.

I said, “You crazy, buckin’ bronc,
I’m gonna win, you’ll see,
Cuz that's a piece of bubblegum
That’s sticking me to thee.”

Well, ol' Diablo gave a look,
A grin that seemed most evil,
And started tossin’ me around;
My guts went in upheaval.

He snorted snot and it was gross,
But I just plain ignored him,
Until a big ol’ grizzly bear
Strolled up right there before him.

That horse, he didn’t like it much
And I can’t say I blamed him,
Cuz grizzlies usually aren’t too nice
Unless someone has tamed ‘em.

Diablo tore off faster than
I ever thought he could’a
And I hung on much tighter
Than I ever thought I would’a.

He headed straight into the trees,
With me a hollerin’, “Whoa, Dear!”
And “Gee” and “Haw” and other words,
I prob’ly shouldn’t show here.

And I’d have been okay except
For one thing—I am certain—
Which caused in me a feeling
That was mighty disconcertin’.

This great big, fat ol’ bumbly-bee
Came buzzing in for battle,
And crawled between that horse and me,
Right under my danged saddle.

Diablo, he just pitched a fit
Then jumped up toward the sun,
If I had known much better
I might not have thought it fun.

But I was just a cowgirl then,
Back in my younger days
And when Mama called for supper,
My respect I had to pay.

I parked that ol' Diablo
In a corner of the stable
And went in for my supper,
Glad for food that’s on the table.

And to this day there’s never been
A bronco that’s more wild,
Than the stick one that I rode upon
When I was just a child.





------ © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------


This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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Green Giant Contest and a Few Bloopers

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck



What's more exciting at a blog than a contest with cool prizes, followed by bloopers that give a good laugh? Well, I asked Corky Porky Pie, the dog, and he didn't think there could be much that would be more fun! Unless, of course, it involved a squeaky toy.

Today I'm posting a review for Green Giant® Broccoli & Cheese Sauce, along with a contest. And I wouldn't want anyone to be suffering from humor withdrawal, so I'll place a short funny below the contest info. That should make everyone happy, right?
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What Green Giant Says:
Green Giant Boxed Vegetables can help you stay on track to achieve your weight management goals in 2011. Twenty-nine delicious varieties are now endorsed by Weight Watchers®, and most have only a 1 or 2 PointsPlus® value per serving! Packed with flavor and ready in minutes, Green Giant Boxed Vegetables are available in a wide variety of flavors, many featuring mouthwatering sauces and seasonings. They’re a terrific addition to any meal and a delicious way to achieve better health in 2011.

Don’t forget to visit Green Giant on Facebook and Green Giant on Twitter and “Like” or “Follow” the brand to keep up with their latest and greatest products! For more information and great recipe ideas visit http://greengiant.com/.

My Opinion:
I love broccoli, especially when it's swimming in cheese, and so I was excited about the prospect of trying out Green Giant's Broccoli & Cheese Sauce. One thing I loved right off the bat was that I could microwave the pouch, and it only took about 5 minutes to cook. There was plenty of cheese sauce, which was great, and I intended to eat half the veggies for my lunch and save the rest for my hubby's supper. However, (bad, bad, me) I liked it so much that I ate the whole thing.

(I'm sorry, Sweetie, but on the upside ... I did have two servings of vegetables for lunch. And you do want me eating my daily requirement of veggies, right? :)

The Contest:
To enter, leave a comment on this blog post between now and midnight, MST, March 14, 2011. If you can't think of anything to say, you can always tell me who you like best—Green Giant or Little Sprout. Or mention your favorite way to prepare Green Giant boxed vegetables.

The Prize:



The winner will receive a VIP coupon good for one frozen sample of Green Giant boxed vegetables, an insulated tote bag, serving bowl, spoon, and pedometer.

(Thanks for entering! This giveaway sponsored by Green Giant and MyBlogSpark®. All information, plus the compensation I received in the form of a sample pack of broccoli & cheese, as well as a gift pack similar to the prize pack, came from Green Giant through MyBlogSpark. However, my opinions of the companies involved, and the quality of the products mentioned are my own. If for some reason there is no winner, or I can not get in contact with the winner, I will redraw or give the prize to charity, at MyBlogSpark's and my discretion.)
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And now, for the funny ...

Bloopers
From: The Good Clean Funnies List

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in
the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but
none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it
was deep in the way that it was very light. I think
lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true
lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." -
Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a
Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley
Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his
hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report
describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One
word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson,
football coach

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Speed Limit Enforced

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck



Some people might initially think this YouTube video, below, is one of those negative ads complaining about local government, and feel inclined to click it off. That was my first response, too, but I guarantee this is not your average political complaint. Watch and see!




If you get a sec, leave a comment and tell me if the ending caught you as much by surprise as it did me.

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LOL CATS

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

I really have to use self-discipline to stop myself from putting the icanhascheezburger.com images out here too often. But, it's been a while and so I think we're all more than ready for another dose of fun ... right?



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures



see more Lolcats and funny pictures

It's always hard to pick a favorite, but if you're able to narrow it down to one or two images, leave a comment and let me know which ones you liked most. My favorites were "Other People's Kids" and "Do You Have a Fever?"

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Roast Groundhog

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

Not long ago my alter ego, Cindy Lynn, published an article that seemed pretty funny. Well, maybe not exactly funny, but definitely interesting. All right, maybe not interesting—possibly more like bizarre. At any rate, I knew you wouldn't want to miss it so here it is, in all its glory ...

Roast Groundhog
By Cindy Lynn


Photo © Reinhard Kraasch, Wikimedia Commons

Everyone knows what Groundhog Day is, right? Well, maybe so, but then again there might be a few people living under rocks who don't, so I'll give a little info about it and afterward give a recipe for roast groundhog.

What's that, you say? A recipe for roast groundhog? Yup, no need to adjust your hearing aid, you heard me right ... a recipe for those who want to run out and chase a groundhog around until they catch it, and then (gulp) roast the little critter.

First, though, a few facts:

When is Groundhog Day?
Feb 2, every year, rain or shine ... and the weather really does play into the whole Groundhog Day celebration.

What's Another Name for a Groundhog?
A whistle pig or a woodchuck.

Does that Famous Goundhog on the News Have a Name?
Yup, Punxsutawney Phil, and he has his own website called PunxsutawneyPhil.com. However, because everyone wants to know about the furry fella and his site often can't keep up with the traffic, you can also see pictures of him at Groundhog.org.

What's the Scoop on His Shadow?
Legend has it that when the groundhog steps out of his burrow on Feb 2, if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow there will be an early spring.

There may be a few who are wondering where I came up with a recipe for roast groundhog, and it's a long story. To make it short, though, I have friends whose college years as a married couple were quite lean, and they actually caught a groundhog and cooked it. Thanks go to Sandy H. for giving me the basics for the following recipe—although, I have to say that the running commentary is all mine.

And now for the cooking instructions ...

Recipe for Roast Groundhog:
Find and capture a groundhog. I'm not sure how you do that, so my advice is to look for an old one that can't run very fast. A bald one would be nice, too, so that you don't have to actually skin it. I have no clue how you kill it and since I'm an animal lover, I'll leave that to your imagination. In my opinion, however, a .44 magnum doesn't seem like a particularly good idea. That is, unless you want ground chuck.

Ingredients
Ground Hog
Olive oil
Mrs. Dash seasoning
Salt and pepper
Onions (quartered)
Potatoes (quartered)
Carrots (peeled and sliced)
Water or broth of choice

Instructions:
Rub the skinned ground hog with olive oil. Try not to cry as you think about how he could be foretelling spring instead of being the main attraction at dinner. Sprinkle seasonings on him and place in a roasting pan. Place the onions, potatoes, and carrots around the groundhog. Add a cup of water or broth to the roasting pan. Cover and bake in a slow oven (275-300°) until groundhog is tender and vegetables are done, adding more water/broth as needed.

Serve on a platter, making sure not to tell the kids they're eating Punxsutawney Phi's cousin. And if the roast is tough, try a slow cooker next time ... or maybe even a roast beef disguised as a groundhog.
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The million dollar question at this point is ... have you ever even seen a groundhog? (Outside of TV, that is.) Drop off a comment and let me know.

------ © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

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The Recipe ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck




I have to say that although the following story is more sweet than humorous, it's one of my favorites. I hope it becomes one of yours, too ...

The Recipe
By C.L. Beck

I touched it with the tip of my finger and then dabbed my tongue to see what it tasted like. My taste buds tingled with a sweet/salty flavor, mixed with a hint of something. What was it? The only word that came to mind was earthy, but the essence evaporated before I had a chance to decide.

“This tastes interesting … what’s your recipe?” I asked him.

He leaned against the counter and said, “Did you figure out there was sweetener in it?”

“Definitely, along with a little salt. So what’s your secret? You’ve really got to tell me, because you’re the best at making these.”

His smile warmed me, like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold morning. He said, “First, you need some bone. And meat. And then you add the casing. Sometimes it’s dark brown, other times it’s light-colored. Just depends on which you prefer at the moment.”

I nodded and wondered where a novice like me could get casings.

“The rest is a mixture of spices and seasonings that you have to fine tune.” His eyes sparkled when he said “spices” and I hoped he wouldn’t hold anything back in the telling.

“Okay, like what?” I asked.

“You’ve already figured out salt—about .9%. And sweetener.” He dusted his hands on his apron.

“Hmm. How much is .9%? Can you give me that in teaspoons?” It seemed this was going to be a lot harder to prepare than I’d thought.

He laughed, and it shimmered right through me. Face it, I was smitten with him.

“You need ¼ teaspoon of salt and ½ cup of sweetener.”

“Does it matter what kind of sweetener?”

He paused for a minute, stroked his salt and pepper beard and thought about it. “Molasses and brown sugar give a darker flavor; white sugar gives a lighter one. Some sweeteners are stronger than others, so it just depends on what you want for the end result.”

Pondering that, I put my palms together and brought my hands to my mouth, with the sides of my forefingers resting against my lips. It was an unconscious habit on my part.

He laughed and said “You look like you’re praying.” Feeling silly, I crossed my arms. He looked at me reassuringly and then continued, “Add two or three drops of curiosity, a teaspoon of playfulness, a cup of hugs, an eighth teaspoon of mischief, and just a pinch of starlight.”

His voice dropped and he said softly, “The starlight is the hardest part. Put in too much and it bounces off the walls. Put in too little, and it doesn’t shine.”

I was amazed. Who’d have thought of starlight? He was definitely the greatest chef—the master craftsman of all time.

“What do you call it?” I asked, wondering if it had a fancy, epicurean name.

He smiled, the air around us sparkled as if sprinkled with diamond dust, and then it formed into visions of sandlot baseball, tree climbing, fishing and sledding. “I call it … little boy.”

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(This story is dedicated to my son, Dave, on his 35th birthday. Only God could have made someone as fun as you, Davey!)


------ © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------


This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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I'd Tell You but I Can't Remember ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Funny Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

The other day I run across something that struck me as so true. And I'd write about it today except ... well ... I can't remember what it was!

Okay, I'm joking; I really do remember but just couldn't resist the above as an opening line. To see why, click on the video below.



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If you get a sec, drop off a comment and tell me what was the most interesting thing that ever slipped your mind. That is, if you can recall the event!

Note: Thanks to my friend, Andrew Goudy, for telling me about this video ... even though at the time he couldn't remember its name, called it, "Memory" and had to phone me back five minutes later to give me the real title.

Andrew, if you're looking for the keys to your pickup, try looking under the saddle on your horse. No, on second thought, that's probably where you left your cell phone. :)

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Stay Calm

Although this video isn't necessarily humorous, I think you'll find it quite interesting ... or maybe even amazing. It involves a 911 call with a little girl. Hope you enjoy it.



Wasn't that something?

If you get a minute, drop off a comment and tell me which part touched you the most. I loved the way she kept comforting her dad.

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Hair ... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck





Hair! They wrote a play about it, and used the ultimate in creativity by calling it, Hair. They wrote a song about it, and used an even more creative title: Hair. Despite their lack of originality, the playwrights and songwriters (who were one and the same) apparently found it to be a fascinating subject.

I'm guessing they had hair envy.

Not to get too far off the subject, but I've always felt that my personal curse was hair. Not the song, but the stuff growing on my head. My tresses are neither long and lovely, nor sleek and silky. Instead, they are mostly stiff, pokey-outey and turning gray. The only thing that could be worse would be to have no hair at all ... like my husband, Russ.

Wait. Maybe that's not even true. He's so lucky; when he gets up, nary a hair is out of place ... mostly because he doesn't have enough to muss up. All Russ has to do in the morning is take a cloth, give his head a little buff and off he goes with the perfect—albeit, hairless—shine.

When I get up in the morning, however, my hair is enough to scare warts off a frog. Other women wake up looking beautiful but somewhere along the line I must have displeased the hair gods, and I look like I sleep with my head in a blender.

Over the years I've tried numerous hairstyles to improve my looks. In particular, I recall one from the fourth grade. I wanted to wear my hair in a ponytail, but since it was too thin when I pulled it up—resembling overcooked spaghetti tied with a rubber band—I went to the hairstylist for a "Pixie Cut." It looked cute on other little girls, but on me it looked like someone put a bowl on my head and turned Edward Scissorhands loose on me.



I wore it that way up through the sixth grade, much to the chagrin of my more "mature" friends, who were curling and fussing with their manes in order to impress the boys. That seemed a waste of time, in my opinion, since those same boys were out climbing trees and rollerskating with me, and couldn't tell a hair scrunchy from an egg beater.

Of course, in those days men were men and boys were boys. I'm not sure how they could actually have been any different, since there were only two genders and a person was either one or the other. Nowadays, I think there are something like four genders: men, sorta men, women, not quite women.

And back then, none of the guys would ever consider knowing anything about hair accessories, much less go to a stylist. They didn't get their ears pierced, either, and the only person with a nose ring was the Brahma bull on the farm at the edge of town. Well, okay, there was this one man on the block (according to those adults in the know) whose wife led him around by a ring through his nose. I wasn't sure what that meant. The one time I'd managed to sneak a look up the guy's nostrils, all I saw was nose hair.

By the time I reached high school I'd grown wiser, let my hair grow long, and parted it down the middle. It required no cutting at all and was known as the "California Surfer Girl Style." None of us knew how to surf, but that didn't matter because just the name of it was supposed to impress the boys. Yup, those same boys who were no longer climbing trees but had matured extensively and were now beating each other over the head for a football.

When we managed to pull the guys away from sports and out on a fancy date (otherwise known as the prom) we pulled all that hair up on top, so it looked like we were wearing hairy beehives on our heads.

If you look closely at the picture below, you might even see a few bees. You'll also pick up on the fact that my date actually had hair, too. That would be Russ, before his dark and wavy locks abdicated the throne. In addition, you'll notice that Russ and I seem almost the same height, and that twelve inches of my height is hair.




After I married Russ, I tried another exciting hair cut. It was called "The Shag" and as you can tell from looking at the old, definitely uncomplimentary photo below, it was basically a pixie cut on steroids. Not shorter, just shaggier.




So ... where does all this lead? Well, now that the new year is here I have resolved to give up hair styles. Yes, I'm going to quit paying for haircuts that the guys don't even notice and I'll do it the easy way. I've bought a new gel that the label says will impress the men in my life, and I'm going to apply it from root to tip and comb it outward. That way when I mention to my dad, my hubby, and son that I've "spiked it," at least they'll think it has something to do with football and they'll give a cheer.


------ © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------



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The Hokey-Pokey ... Shakespearean Style

My friends, family, and readers often send me humorous e-mails and videos. I am so appreciative when they do because, first of all, they usually make me laugh. Secondly, they give me "fun stuff" to share out here on the blog.

My friend, Cathy Witbeck, recently sent an email that contained this note:

The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational Contest, a weekly contest that the Post runs. In March 2003, they asked readers to submit “instructions” for something (anything), but to win this particular time it had to be written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry was the Hokey-Pokey as written by William Shakespeare.

Hokey-Pokey by William Shakespeare
By Jeff Brechlin


O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke—banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ‘tis what it’s all about.
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I hope you enjoyed that little ditty as much as I did. May 2011 be a wonderful year for you!

------Blog article © C.L. (Cindy) Beck; "The Hokey-Pokey by William Shakespeare" reported to be from the Washington Post------

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Christmas Gift Exchange... by C.L. Beck

Fun Stuff and Humorous Stories by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

(Also, announcing the Kroger-Chex giveaway winner, below!)



Hurray, a Christmas present in the mail, addressed to us from our friend, Frank! I opened it and on the Christmas tag inside it read: “To Vance and Beth.”

I narrowed my eyes and looked over at my hubby, Russ, to see if he'd noticed the gift. He seemed happily engaged in watching football, his sport of choice for December. Now was my chance! Since Vance and Beth were friends of ours, I felt certain they wouldn’t mind if I shook the package and listened for money a clue as to whether it was really meant for us or them.

And that’s when Russ slowly turned his head, resembling some robot thingy on Star Trek, and looked at me. He cocked his head to the side and raised one eyebrow like that well known vulture, Spock. Oops. I mean that well known Vulcan, Spock.

“Why are you shaking that?” he said, while taking it from my hands and reading the tag.

“I’m trying to figure out if it’s really meant for us or for Vance and Beth.” I snatched it back from him. Not that I cared if he knew who it was addressed to, but hey, if there was money in there it was mine!

I tucked the gift under my arm and moved out of grabbing range. “I think we need to open it so we know who it’s supposed to be for.”

A slight frown creased Russ’s forehead. “We don’t have to do that. Just email them and ask if they were expecting a gift from Frank. If they were, then it’s theirs. If they weren’t, then it’s probably meant for us and Frank just put the wrong tag on.”

It was a good suggestion, but I wasn’t about to tell Russ that because then he would think he knew enough to run the universe, and we certainly couldn’t have that.

The next day, I sent a note to Vance:

Dec. 10

Hey Vance, good buddy! We got a package mailed to us from Frank with your name on the gift inside. Do you usually exchange gifts, or can I assume this is meant for us? If it’s meant for you, do you want us to open it and tell you what it is so you can thank him, or just mail it on to you, unopened?

~ Cindy

PS: Even if there’s money in it, I’m certain there’s no money in it.

A day later, we received a reply:

Dec. 11

Hi Cindy and Russ: How are my good friends? No, we don’t exchange gifts with Frank. Heck, I have a hard enough time just getting out my Christmas cards, much less exchanging gifts. How about screening my gifts for me and opening it so I can send a thank you to Frank right away. Then you can mail it to me. We won’t tell Frank about the mix up.

~ Vance

I grabbed the scissors and with bated breath prepared to cut the ribbon on the package … when Russ walked into the room.

“What are you doing to Vance’s gift?”

“He said I could open it,” I replied, hiding the package behind my back. Russ scurried around behind me, put me in a headlock, patted my arm and said, “No, you don’t need to open it. Just send it on to him.”

Muttering to myself about what I thought of a Grinch who wouldn’t let people open gifts that belonged to other people, I mailed the package off. Unopened and unharmed, even.

A few days later, another email came from Vance:

Dec. 17

Hi Cindy and Russ: Two boxes arrived in the mail from Frank today. One came from Utah and had your handwriting on it, with Frank’s return address. Which do I open? Oh, I know, I’ll open both and send you the one I don’t want! :)

~ Vance

Ha! That Vance was funny. Sooooo funny. I emailed him back:

Dec. 18

Hi Vance, who used to be my friend: Open my gift and you die!

~ Cindy


Two days later, the original package #1 from Frank came back to us from Vance, and another email arrived from Vance. Since Russ stood next to me as the email came in, I read it out loud to him:

Dec. 19

Hi Cindy and Russ! Get ready to smack your forehead again. Or better yet, smack mine. We mailed back to you the package #1 from Frank … you know, the one that came to you originally, that you shook, checked for money and then sent on to us.

In the meantime, I opened package #2 from Frank and realized that the gift inside had your names on it! I should have opened and looked at it before I sent you back the other one. I’m betting they contain the same gifts—or at least similar—but if you want, I’ll send the one with your name on it to you. I’m sure it won’t arrive before Christmas, though.

It feels like some sort of canned food …

Russ leaned closer to the email. “Canned food? Like green beans and Spam? What kind of present is that for Frank to send? Well, tell Vance he can keep the Spam and we’ll keep the Hickory Farms goodies that are probably in package #1.”

I gave package #1 another shake. It looked a little worse … okay, a lot worse for the wear, having been shipped around the country three times. And nope, still no money. Probably just green beans and Spam. But hey, a present’s a present, right?

I sat down and sent a note back to Vance:

Dec. 19

Hi Vance! I’m pretty certain both packages are the same, so we’ll keep the one we have here and you keep the one you have there, even though the names on the gift tags are wrong. I’m going to send a note to Frank tonight telling him the package he sent to Russ and me came and we’re waiting until Christmas to open it. I’m not going to tell him the reason I’m waiting is just in case another package shows up from him!

Have a great Christmas.

~ Cindy

(Note: This story is based on a real Christmas event. However, names have been changed so that no one thinks Frank lost his marbles. As for what was in the packages … both of them contained identical gifts from Hickory Farms. No Spam, but there was a small canned ham. And definitely no money!)

Wishing all of my readers a wonderful holiday season and a healthy, happy, prosperous new year!

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Winner of the Kroger-Chex Giveaway: MARI! I'll be sending you an email, Mari, so that you can claim your prize. Thanks so much to all who entered the contest.


------Photo © ByTheBecks, story © C.L. (Cindy) Beck------



This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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Kroger and Chex Giveaway ... by C.L. Beck

Yes, it's time for the Kroger-Chex Giveaway! But first, a few funnies and then the rules ...




Wahoo! It's that time of year when we bake delicious goodies and celebrate Christmas. In honor of the season, I'm holding a Kroger^®-Chex^® Giveaway for a chance to win one $25 Kroger Family of Stores gift card (includes Smiths, Food 4 Less, Fred Meyers, and others) and samples of Chex cereal.

Seriously, at my house it just does not feel like Christmas if we don't have Chex Party Mix. I've made many batches over the years, including Chex Traditional Party Mix and Chex Muddy Buddies. And yes, I'm telling you the truth when I say I buy my Chex cereal at Krogers! (Smith's Food and Drug.)

In 1986, my mom started making a party mix with Corn Chex that she calls Mexican Munchies and to the best of our knowledge, she's the original creator of the recipe. Sometimes I make a big batch for Christmas and freeze a portion for our New Year's celebration. That way we have double the Chex fun! I'll share that recipe with you ... it's posted below the giveaway rules.



What Chex Says:
Cheers to a season filled with delicious, homemade holiday treats! Kroger and Chex Cereal have joined forces to help you whip up recipes for your holiday entertaining that are easy on your time as well as your budget!

There are so many great tasting Chex Party Mix recipes that you can make in the microwave in only 15 minutes! Try The Original Chex Party Mix or Chex Ginger-Honey Crunch for sure crowd pleasers.

Looking for an easy gift idea for friends, family or co-workers? Try wrapping your favorite Chex Party Mix in a colorful tin or bag and personalize it with your own recipe card. (Note from Cindy: I've given Chex Mix many times and it's a wonderful gift!)

To make things even sweeter, Kroger Family of Stores will have Chex cereal on sale so you can impress your guests without stressing your wallet. For 3 weeks, from December 2nd - December 25th, Kroger will offer Chex cereal at their lowest prices of the year!


Kroger-Chex Giveaway Rules (Dec 13-Dec 19, 2010): To enter, leave a comment on this blog article before midnight MST, Dec 19, 2010. Please leave your email address so I don't have to track you down if you win. The winner will be announced on Monday, Dec 20.

Can't think of anything to say in a comment? Tell us which Chex products you enjoy the most, or share your favorite Chex recipe! Or, tell us which Kroger Family of Stores you enjoy shopping at.

(Thanks for entering! This giveaway sponsored by Chex, Kroger, and MyBlogSpark® . All information plus the compensation I received in the form of a $25 gift card and samples of Chex, came from from Chex and Kroger, and through MyBlogSpark. However, my opinions of the event, of the companies involved, and the quality of the products mentioned are my own. If for some reason there is no winner, or I can not get in contact with the winner, I will redraw or give the prize to charity, at MyBlogSpark's and my discretion.)

Mexican Munchies Recipe
By Roberta K.

1 can French-fried onions (3 ounce can)
1 can potato sticks (4 ounce can)
2 c. Corn Chex
3/4 cup Spanish peanuts
1/4 c. butter or margarine
2 Tbsp Mexican Munchies homemade seasoning mix, OR 2 Tbsp commercially prepared taco seasoning mix

In a large bowl, melt butter on high for 45 seconds. Stir in 2 TBSP of seasoning mixture. Add remaining ingredients and stir gently until all pieces are coated. Microwave on high for 6-7 minutes, stirring every 2 minutes. Place Mexican Munchies on paper towels to cool and then store in airtight container. May be frozen.


And one last funny ...





------ Blog article © C.L. (Cindy) Beck. Recipe © Roberta Kieliger. Funnies received in an email from Karen Mittan. Artists' websites are unknown. ------

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Nutmeg: It's Not Just for Pie Anymore ... by C.L. Beck

(Tags: nutmeg high, high on nutmeg, smoking nutmeg)



Today we're discussing the pressing topic of whether Congress will give us back our tax cuts or if instead they plan to put us all in the poor house. But first, let's talk about something of even greater importance: nutmeg!

The latest scuttlebutt making the rounds is—

Wait ... for those who don't know what "scuttlebutt" is, we'll break it down. "Scuttle" means to run around like cockroaches when the lights are turned out. (Not that any of us would know about cockroaches from experience.) The other half of the word, "butt," is the part of the anatomy a person sits on when doing nothing. Hence, "scuttlebutt" would be the cockroaches in Congress who sit on their butts doing nothing.

Oh, dang, I'm not sure how the words "in Congress" got in that last line. Gremlins, I suppose ... but ... I digress.

So, over the past few days, Yahoo News carried articles on kids smoking nutmeg. No, I am not nutty as a nutmeg, although the kids smoking the stuff must be. The info on nutmeg is entirely true ... well, as true as things from the Internet can be. And for your further edification, I've provided a real transcript—well, as real as things from my mind can be—from a conversation between two drug users.


Newbie Druggie: Ooo, far out man. What are we smoking today?

Professional Junkie: We're smoking nutmeg.

Newbie Druggie: Cool! I'll just stuff this piece of pumpkin pie in a pipe and smoke it.

Professional Junkie (as Newbie Druggie turns blue from inhaling pie) : I don't think that's how you do it. Let me go out to YouTube and watch the videos that show—

We interrupt this fictitious true conversation to warn you that there really are instructional videos on YouTube explaining how to smoke nutmeg. However, for your safety, we have not included links since there is a likelihood that the ATF is monitoring the place. Or maybe it's the FDA. Then again, it could be the YMCA.

And now, back to our highly educational discussion ...

Professional Junkie (staring at computer screen): Whoa, there's an awesome video out here on some book called Mormon Mishaps and Mischief by C.L. Beck and D.N Giles. But, bummer, it doesn't say how to smoke nutmeg. Let me try another clip.

Okay, this one says sprinkle the nutmeg on paper, roll it up, and light it.

Newbie Druggie (looking around): But dude, there's no paper in this room!

Professional Junkie: Yeah, I already tried smoking the newspaper to see if the ink would get me high, but all it did was flare up and burn off my eyebrows.

Newbie Druggie: No way, man! I always thought you were born that way.

Professional Junkie: Listen, go in the bathroom and get a bunch of toilet paper. We'll roll the nutmeg in that.

Newbie Druggie (returning with a long string of toilet paper that extends down the hall and into the bathroom): I kept it attached to the roll so if we need more, all we have to do is give a pull.

Professional Junkie: Most excellent idea, dude!

Newbie Druggie (lights the nutmeg joint and inhales deeply, never noticing as the toilet paper flares and fire runs down the line of TP like a fuse on dynamite): Oooo, far out. Cool colors on the ceiling and ... aaack, my nose hairs are on fire! Call the fire department!

Professional Junkie: Bummer, dude. Gotta split, but here's the phone.

And so ends our educational tête-à-tête for today. Tune in to future blogs where, on that night when the planets align and I win a Pulitzer prize, we'll discuss the pros and cons of smoking banana peels.

In the meantime, remember ... they don't call it "dope" for nothing!

------© C.L. (Cindy) Beck------

CONTEST COMING NEXT WEEK: Enter to win a Kroger “Chex Holiday Recipes” gift pack that includes two samples of Chex cereal and a $25 gift card valid at the Kroger Family of Stores (includes Smiths, Food 4 Less, Fred Meyers and a slew of others!) Check back next Monday!



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Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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