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Review: "Bone Warriors" by Bron Bahlmann

Cindy Beck



"Bone Warriors" is a highly imaginative, fantasy adventure novel about two teenage boys, Derrik and Tweaks, and the journey that defines their lives. Derrik and Tweaks are among the few survivors when a wicked Necromancer attacks their village. With their families taken hostage, Derrik is determined to find them, regardless of the cost. Tweaks, being the ever-loyal friend, goes along to help. The journey is fraught with peril, however. Along the way they meet a snake man, a giant cow, and a myriad of bizarre "people" and creatures that are determined to kill them.

Fantasy readers will love the descriptions, the twists and turns to the plot, and the unique way in which Bron Bahlmann brings the story to its conclusion. In addition, Bahlmann's imaginative creatures will alternately evoke every emotion between love and hate, with humor thrown in between. My favorite character, Clatterin, plays an important role, but I'll not ruin the surprise by telling you how. You'll have to read it and see.

"Bone Warriors" is an enjoyable, well-written novel, especially coming from a writer as young as Bahlmann. At fifteen, he's an author everyone should keep their eyes on.

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A Punny Monday ... posted by Cindy Beck

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, puns, punny, jokes, King Arthur, Aleutian, Knight in Rusty Armour, humorous writing, humorous blog, humor blog, funny, smile, laugh, humor)



Puns—ya gotta love 'em. Or maybe groan at 'em. With the exception of a few unpunny people, however, everyone enjoys reading them.

With that end in mind, I’ve posted a list I think you’ll enjoy (author unknown, received in an email from a friend). Leave a comment and let me know which was your favorite—mine was the one about a knight at King Arthur's round table.


~~PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MIND~~

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


What's playing in my head: Knight in Rusty Armour sung by Peter and Gordon.

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Rolayne, the Telemarketer … by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, phone, telephone, telemarketing, pranks, Magic 8-Ball, humorous writing, humorous blog, humor blog, funny, smile, laugh, humor)



My husband, Russ, likes to pull pranks on our family and his favorite one involves his alter-ego, Rolayne. For example, he might call his sister on the phone and when she answers, he’ll raise his voice to a falsetto and say, “Hi. This is Rolayne. I haven’t seen you in a while, honey. What say we put on some lipstick and head to a disco club? By the way, girlfriend, would you like to buy some sweaty gym socks?” Before Russ’s sister has a chance to stop laughing and catch her breath, Rolayne keeps saying weirder things and adding in more bizarre sale items.

Rolayne is a legend throughout Russ’s family and that “woman” has offered to sell—among other things—burned out light bulbs to our son, and used baby diapers to Russ’s mom. Each time Russ does it, I get up off the floor, wipe tears of laughter from my eyes, and say, “One of these days that will backfire on you.”

Really, am I clairvoyant, or what? My psychic advice is so much better than what Russ would get from a Magic 8-Ball.

Before I go any farther, though, let me give a little background information. My cell phone has ringtones assigned to specific callers. The tone assigned to our son, Dave, started with a metallic twang that caused me to catapult out of my chair, burning my forehead on the overhead light. Being a quick learner, I changed the ring after five or six months.

Fortunately for the sake of blog fodder—but unfortunately for Russ—the ringtone for all the other calls still sounded similar to Dave’s old tone. And the other day when my cell phone rang, Russ answered it …

Russ: Hello.

College Kid: Hi. I’m interested in your rental home.

Russ: Okay, and when were you looking at renting?

College Kid: This summer. Can you tell me how much you charge?

Russ: (thinking the caller is Dave, taking revenge for the burned-out light bulbs): 5 million dollars a weekend.

College Kid: Oh!

Russ: And how many people will be renting?

College Kid: There are two of us.

Russ: Well, the amount I gave was per person.

College Kid: (No words. Long, dead silence.)

Russ (pausing as a dim, but environmentally-conscious, energy-efficient, mercury-filled light bulb blinks on over his head): Umm … who is this?

College Kid: Jeff Swanson*

Russ: Sorry. I thought you were my son.

College Kid: I’m not your son.

Russ: So, you were really looking at renting?

College Kid: Not any more.


I have to say that even though Rolayne hadn’t meant to show up, it was her finest hour.

*This is not College Kid’s real name. Please note that no college students were injured, maimed, or otherwise harmed in the events leading up to this blog—although, there is a student who’s probably walking around in a daze. And let me reassure you that I didn’t make the phone conversation up, either. Just call Rolayne at 1-800-I-Sell-Sweaty-Gym-Socks and ask her.


What's playing in my head: It Might be You (Theme song from "Tootsie") by Stephen Bishop.


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Equal Time for Cats ... by Cindy Beck

© Cindy Beck, 2009

(Keywords: Cindy Beck, cats, furry felines, wacky, Andrew Lloyd Webber, humorous writing, humorous blog, humor blog, funny, smile, laugh, humor)




Last week I showcased a dog playing dead, so it's only fair to give equal time to cats. The clip below features furry felines at their wackiest, and it made me laugh so hard I couldn't see the screen through the tears in my eyes.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!



What's playing in my head: Something appropriately muscial from Cats by Andrew Lloyd Webber

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