*C.L. Beck, author*

Funny Puns (Cats)

They're the Cat's Meow
By C.L. Beck

The other day when my brain had nothing else to do, it came up with a few funny puns about cats.

Well, okay, it really did have other things to do, but my brain doesn't follow directions well. It also runs with scissors, but that's another story....

Funny Puns (Cats)

What do kittens drink? Meow-lk.

What virtue do cats strive for the most? Purr-fection.

What kind of baseball pitch does a cat deliver? A hairball.

What's a cat's favorite cliche? You can catch more flies with honey. (And they crunch nicely, too.)

What do you call it when Fluffy gets a cut on her paw? A me-owie.

What’s a cat’s favorite infield position in baseball? Catcher.

If 20 felines were organized into a choir, what song would they sing? The Howllelujah Chorus.

What type music do cats prefer to hear? Catchy tunes.

What’s a kittens favorite snack? Meow-ouse.

What do cats do with their 401K funds when they retire? Purr-chase land in Boca.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a hippopotamus? A catastrophe.
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"Funny Puns (Cats) © C.L. Beck; image © C.L. Beck
Tags: funny puns, cats

The IRS

Office of the Good, the Bad, and the Out to Get You
By C.L. Beck

Alas, it's that time of year when most of us start worrying about the IRS and tax returns. However, I'm Cindy, the fearless ... the brave ... the invincible. I scoff at the thought of Form 1040!

Furthermore, I never dream about tax agents, tax audits, or spending my life in jail for incorrect addition. No indeedy, the Internal Revenue does not haunt my dreams.

It haunts my every waking moment!

Truth be told, I'm scared spitless of the IRS. (And being without spit is not funny.)

We were driving in the car and I said to Russ, "I'm so worried that someday I'll get audited by the IRS. I'm a very honest person, but that doesn't make any difference. If the IRS wants you, you're a dead chicken."

Russ crinkled his forehead and looked at me. "A dead chicken? I think you mean dead meat."

"Yeah, well, you pick your meat and I'll pick mine. I'm chicken of the IRS." I shivered, envisioning IRS agents behind every tree as we zipped down the highway.

Russ patted my shoulder. I'm sure it was to give me comfort and not to brush dandruff off my jacket. "What does our accountant say about it?"

"He says we're small fish and Internal Revenue would probably never even pull our returns." I sighed. "If only there were some way to insure they wouldn't even think about me."

Russ grinned. "I can help you there. Being a Jedi knight of the highest order, I have that power."

I cocked my head, and snorted. "Oh yeah? You don't even own a light saber. Let's see your great power. "

Russ cleared his throat, waved his hand slowly and mysteriously in the direction of the Ogden IRS center, then in his best Obi-Wan imitation intoned, "These aren't the tax returns you're looking for."

I'm sure hoping the Force was with him.
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Author's note: If you enjoyed this mostly true story -- with a little bit of ~~lying~~ exaggeration thrown in, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on the fun.

"The IRS" © C.L. Beck; image © YM
Tags: IRS, Internal Revenue, Obi-Wan, Jedi knight

How to Compliment Women?

You Don't Look Fat ... but Maybe a Little Hippy
By C.L. Beck

Men. They give the most "interesting" compliments. Things like, "Gee, it's great that you don't have nose hair."

Or, let's say you ask, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Mr. Tactful will say, "No it doesn't make you look fat. Maybe just a little hippy. And the color is weird (even though he's colorblind), but you look as beautiful as the minute I first laid eyes on you."

Just so there's no misunderstanding, let me give another example. On Christmas Day, Russ and I were going to a friend's house for dinner. Our contribution to the meal was stuffing (no, not the kind that goes into pillows ... the kind made with bread cubes) and I'd struggled to get it ready on time.

At my house, we normally do stuffing for three ... which is really stuffing for two people and a fat dog. Hence, the dilemma in figuring out how to cook stuffing for twenty.

But, I managed it. We were only five minutes late as we drove down the road, the dish warming my lap, steam rising from it, and a homey fragrance wafting around me.

Russ gave me a look of adoration and said, "This is just like when we were dating."

I pondered that. Did he mean the joy of being together for the holidays? The glint of happiness that made my eyes sparkle? The way my hair had worked into soft waves?

It's impossible to read men's minds. Well, at least Russ's. I gave up guessing and said, "How is it just like when we were dating?"

"You smell really good and we're fogging up the windows." He wriggled his eyebrows and laughed.

I categorically deny fogging any car windows in my youth. And I couldn't decide what to think about him saying I smelled really good -- as I sat with a dish of stuffing in my lap.

But, I wished he'd made the comparison forty years earlier.

Because if I had known it was that easy to get compliments, I would have foregone the $50 bottle of Shalimar perfume back then, and worn 50¢ poultry seasoning behind my ears instead.
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(Author's note: If you enjoyed this mostly true story -- with a little bit of exaggeration thrown in -- then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on the fun.

"How to Compliment Women?" © C.L. Beck
Hippo image © Clipart from Clipartheaven.com.
Tags: compliment women, stuffing, Shalimar, perfume, poultry seasoning

Merry Christmas to All

By C.L. Beck

Wishing all of you a wonderful Christmas and a 2013 that exceeds your expectations! May those who've suffered a loss at this time of year feel comfort and know that so many of us care.

I recently saw the video below about the song, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" and loved it. Hope you enjoy the video's message as much as I did.

Merry Christmas, my friends.

Tags: Longfellow, Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Christmas

Do Medigap Plans Cover Hearing Loss?

By C.L. Beck

"How long until you retire?" I asked my hubby, Russ, the other morning.

"What? The car needs new tires?" He scratched his head. It's an easy feat since there's nothing on top and not much on the sides. I often wonder how much we're saving in shampoo in Russ's current, aging state.

Face it, the man is not only bald but needed to turn up his earring aid. And as soon as I can convince him to wear one, I'm turning it up for him.

"No, Russ. The car doesn't need new tires. I said, 'How long until you retire?'"

A small look of panic crossed Russ's face. "The toast is on fire?"

He rushed to the toaster and tried to pop it up. "I don't see any fire and the toast must be stuck!" He banged the side of it, dislodging crumbs all over the floor, which Corky Porky Pie promptly licked up.

I sighed and mumbled, "The man is deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other. I wonder -- do medigap plans cover hearing loss?"

"What's that you say? You really need to speak up -- no one can ever hear you." He jiggled the toaster more and then stuck a fork in it. "I sure don't see any toast in here."

Thinking fast, I unplugged the toaster and grabbed the fork from him. "That's because THERE IS NO TOAST IN THERE!" By now I felt certain the neighbors three blocks over had heard the news that there was no toast in our toaster.

An incredulous look crossed Russ's face."You say there's a roast in there? Cin, I think your mind must be going. No one cooks a roast in the toaster. It looks like next year when I retire, we'll need to check out medigap plans for you that cover Alzheimers."

My mouth dropped open and my eyes blinked rapidly.

It's a good thing I had already tossed that piece of silverware in the sink -- otherwise we'd be looking for insurance that also covered stabbing by fork.

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(Disclosure: This article is sponsored by your friends at MedicareSupplementalInsurance.com. For more disclosure information, please read the disclosure page.)

A Small Plug: If you enjoyed this semi-true, mostly funny story, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future funny events.

"Do Medigap Plans Cover Hearing Loss?" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: medigap plans, aging, MedicareSupplementalInsurance.com

RideUTA FrontRunner

By C.L. Beck

Not long ago, we had the opportunity to catch the RideUTA FrontRunner train on its maiden voyage from Provo to Salt Lake City, UT.

Wait ... isn't it boats that go on a maiden voyage? If so, what do trains go on? Oh, I know, a train-ing run!

At any rate, it was a fun ride. Smooth, and not at all herky-jerky like my first train ride of yesteryear in New York City.

Oh, all right. Picky, picky. That train ride in NYC was more like yester-century. There was probably a steam engine on that one.

But, back to the RideUTA FrontRunner. Here's an interesting fact: the train can only go up to 79 mph. We were told it has a device -- a governator -- to prevent it from going any faster.

I'm not quite sure what a governator does, except maybe retire from California politics and drive a train. And yet, I never actually saw Arnold Swarzeneggar sitting there, running the locomotive.

So, maybe I'll just say it had a thinga-ma-jiggy that prevented it from going faster than a speeding bullet.

All of which brings me down to this. The other day I was thinking about the experience and a joke came to mind:

A slightly tipsy hobo and his teetotaling friend are sitting at the station in Salt Lake City, hoping to hitch a ride unnoticed. The first one staggers, catches his balance, and says, "The world is changing, old buddy. Did you notice that none of these trains have a caboose?"

The second one says, "Yup, you're right. No cabooses. Probably because we're at the bus station."

How about you? Have you ever ridden on a train? And was it as sleek and sassy as the RideUTA FrontRunner?

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A Small Plug: If you enjoyed this semi-witty humor article, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun.

"RideUTA FrontRunner" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: RideUTA, FrontRunner, trains

Day of Remembrance for Sandy Hook Elementary

If you would like to donate to the Sandy Hook Elementary School Support Fund that will provide support services to the families and community that has been affected, please click the United Way link below and you'll be directed to the donations page.

https://newtown.uwwesternct.org/

(Thanks to Nike Litchfield Peterson for use of the above image.)

Tags: Sandy Hook Elementary

The Tabernacle Choir

Or ... I Can't Sing, Are You Listening?
By C.L. Beck

Our Community Choir Christmas Concert takes place soon. Did I mention I'm in the choir? (Yeah, I know. That's an amazing announcement from someone who can't sing.)

I never felt nervous in high school choir performances. And this time, I'm not nervous either. Petrified is a better word.

Most of the people in the choir have musical training. Our director has a graduate degree. No, not like Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate." More like a graduate degree in music from a major university. Plus, he toured with an internationally famous singing group.

Still, I don't let it get to me. After all, just because some people have performed in the Tabernacle Choir, that doesn't mean anything, right?

And then there's me. Hardly no musical training. Average voice. I sit there muttering, "Every good boy does fine" to figure out the notes and by the time I figure out the first two, the choir director's on to the next page.

He keeps saying consoling words to us. It could be my natural paranoia, but it seems like he's directing them at me ... "I hear some mistakes (looks pointedly at me), but it's okay. There are a few people missing now, who will be here for the performance, and it'll make a big difference when they come."

I'm thinking he's found some way to get Pavarotti and Caruso into the choir.

But ... since they're both dead, maybe we don't really want them showing up? At least, I don't.

And then there's my propensity to end a song too soon. Or to come in when the men are supposed to sing and the women are supposed to be quiet.

But worst of all, there are the times when the director indicates we should all stand and my skirt gets caught on the folding seat. I try to stand up, and fall forward instead. There I lean, hanging on by my skirt, narrowly avoiding a face plant, my nose a mere two inches from the floor.

If you believe in the power of pray, please pray that on the night of the performance my voice won't crack and my skirt won't catch. If you don't believe in the power of prayer, pray I'll catch the stomach flu and have to stay home.

Still, I'm an optimist. Looking on the bright side -- if all my fears come true, there is one consolation. It'll give me fodder for next month's newspaper column.

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(Author's note: If you enjoyed this mostly true story -- with a little bit of exaggeration thrown in -- then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on the fun.

The Tabernacle Choir © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck, Image © spider ara
Tags: Tabernacle Choir, music, community choir

Twitter Feeds ... by C.L. Beck

It all started innocently enough. My friend, C. Larene Hall, had a new book out that Amazon was giving away free for a few days. And a brilliant thought occurred to me.

Okay, maybe not brilliant, but very smart.

Well, maybe not very smart, but ... umm ... all right ... so, a totally non-original idea came to me. "Announce it on Twitter!" I said to myself, while jumping for joy and clicking my heels in the air ... a move that my hubby, Russ, claims only results in my totally missing the heels and kicking myself instead.

Ha! I am Cindy, the graceful, the talented! I laugh at his insinuations.

After executing the jump, and then rubbing liniment on my bruised calves where I'd kicked them, I headed out to Twitter. Being conversant with the site, it only took me two or three or ten tries before I finally got it right. The entry read:

"Mary's Spyglass," kid's historical fiction by C.Larene Hall. Free at Amazon .... (Getting the word out for my friend!) #free

I even remembered to put in a hash tag!

Ah yes, my moment of glory. I showed it to Russ, and he frowned slightly. "You probably shouldn't include the word "#free." With your luck, that hashtag will link your tweet to something undesirable."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. Ha! I am Cindy, the talented tweeting genius! I laugh at his insinuations.

Besides, what does he know about tweets? He doesn't even have a Twitter handle.

I checked for comments to my tweet a few days later in one of my dashboards. Surely millions of my friends in Farmville were responding with glee to the offer of a free children's book.

Nope -- none. Zip. Zilch.

I guess they were all too busy learning how to tell boy goats from girl goats so they could milk the right one. But, there were several hashtag tweets that the dashboard indicated were simiar to mine. To whit:

#free amateur bondage videos dungeon

#free hot sex porn movies pitingmentsu1602

Do you want #free wine? Share this FB photo

[We interrupt this almost true story, written by Cindy, the talented tweeting genius, to provide a disclaimer. Although she denies a tendency to embellish everything that happens to her, and in reality can create a tornado out of a little dust devil, the aforementioned tweets are real.

And now, we return you to your regular programming....]

So where was I? Oh yes. Amateur bondage videos and free wine. They should definitely co-exist in the same category as kid's historical fiction, right?

Well, all I can say is that -- despite what Russ says about it -- it wasn't my fault. It's Twitter's fault. Their software needs a little fine-tuning.

Okay, a lot of fine-tuning.

Still, when one of Twitter's programmers finally gets done fixing the whole hashtag thingy, I will not jump for joy nor click my heels together.

Mostly 'cause I'm out of liniment. But, he can feel free to do so.

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(Author's note: If you enjoyed this mostly true bit of humor, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future ~~fiction~~ fun.

Twitter Feeds © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck, Image © Cieleke
Tags: Twitter, tweets, hashtags

World Series Joke

By C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck

It's time once again for the World Series. That season when men sit glued to the TV, cheering over a little orb thrown at ninety miles per hour ... which misses the catcher's glove and beans the umpire. So, in honor of America's national pastime, here's a good one.

World Series Joke

It's the World Series -- the Detroit Tigers against the San Francisco Giants -- and two of the opposing baseball players are bad-mouthing each other's pitchers. The Tiger's ballplayer says, "Your starting pitcher is so awful that he couldn't even lob a slowball across the plate."

And the Giant's ballplayer says, "Yeah? Well, you guys shoulda been named the KittyCats instead of the Tigers, cuz the only thing your pitcher is able to throw is a hairball."

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(A note from C.L. Beck: If you enjoyed this bit of humor, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun. )

World Series Joke © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: funny joke, World Series, Detroit Tigers, San Francisco Giants
Baseball graphic © Billy Frank Alexander

A Funny Joke -- Advice from the Bible

A funny joke a day keeps the doctor away. But, then again, so does a big Doberman. At least that's my opinion ...

Advice from the Bible
My bishop stated that the Bible had advice for every situation in life.

So, when the roast turned out poorly, I turned to the Good Book for comfort. My eyes landed on a verse that said, "To every thing, there is a season."

Which clearly meant I'd used too much basil.

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(A note from C.L. Beck: If you enjoyed this bit of humor, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun. )

"A Funny Joke -- Advice from the Bible" © C.L.Beck
Tags: bible, funny joke

Making a Marriage Last ... by C.L. Beck

Photo © CL Shearin

A strong marriage takes work. Being married to a mental health counselor, I know all about the methods for making a marriage last. And based on a phone conversation I just had with my beloved, I'm thinking I should write a book about it ....

Point #1 in my new book, Making a Marriage Last: Call and let spouse know you're thinking of him/her.

I punched Russ's number in on the phone and said, "Hi, where are you at?"

I heard the hum of tires on pavement in the background as Russ responded. "Just leaving the state hospital and on my way to 5 Guys Burgers and Fries to pick up supper. I'll be home soon with it."

"Oh ... you're that far away?"

#2. For marital bliss, one of you (or the other) should always keep the house neat, tidy, and cobweb free.

I paused before continuing the conversation, then sighed, and swiped at a meandering cobweb as it drifted down from the ceiling

Concern tinged Russ's voice as he said, "What's wrong? Why did you sigh; aren't you feeling well?"

I swung my hand in circles, trying to fling the sticky cobweb off. "No, I'm fine. Just bored. And I thought you'd already left a while ago and were close to home with the burgers and fries by now."

"Well, I'll be there soon with the food and it will help un-bore you." He said it in this cheerful, chirpy voice that annoyed me. I don't know why. Maybe because I was experiencing low blood sugar since it was taking so danged long for him to get those burgers and fries!

(Note to Self. Should Point #3 be, "Do not make gagging noises when spouse sounds cheerful and chirpy?" Or, "Do not strangle spouse when he/she sounds cheerful and chirpy?" Reconsider book. Instead, maybe do one on 50 Ways to End a Marriage.)

I rubbed my cobwebby hand across a pad of paper, trying to get the stuff off. The pad pushed a stack of books off the desk with a crash, causing Corky Porky Pie to leap up from his sleeping position underneath and bang his head. Just to clarify, for those of you who don't know -- Corky Porky Pie would be the dog, not the thirty-six-year-old kid who lives halfway across the country.

#4. Grown children who live far away should not expect an inheritance any time soon. Or ever! (Oh wait ... that goes in the parenting book.)

More concern tinged Russ's voice. "Is everything okay there? I heard a crash."

I watched another cobweb float down. One with a spider attached to it. (Note to Self. Remove words, "Keep house cobweb free," from Point #2)

After pondering the bug for a second, I decided to let Russ kill it when he arrived home. (Note to Self. Doesn't Russ hate spiders? Review blog article about Russ and spiders before writing book.)

#5. To make a marriage last, do not feed the dog any snacks least he barf them back up later into spouse's shoes.

Corky Porky saw the ugly arachnid from the corner of his eye, ran over, and gulped it down. I grimaced as he "urped" and headed over to deposit stomach juices and a half-eaten bug in one of Russ's slippers. "Umm, everything is fine," I said into the phone. (Note to Self. Do not hand Russ his slippers when he enters the door. Let him get them himself.)

Russ cleared his throat slightly. "Okay, then. I'll be home in a jiffy with those burgers and fries."

I suddenly realized my view of marriage might be slightly tainted -- hopefully only for the moment -- by my overwhelming hunger and coma-inducing low blood sugar. I took a couple of chugs from last night's bottle of apple juice that had managed to stay on my desk through the crash.

Point #6 in my soon-to-be written, enormously popular best-seller, Making a Marriage Last: Let spouse know of your love and concern for his/her safety.

As my sugar level started to rise, I felt less cranky and said, "Drive carefully."

Russ's voice sounded a little distant as the cell phone reception wavered. "Don't worry. I will."

By now I was feeling back to normal, "Ok. Love you," I said. "Watch out for those big trucks on the freeway. I wouldn't want you in an accident because ..." I paused, searching for just the right words to convey the depths of my feelings, " ... because I don't like my French fries bent!"

(Note to Self: Consider possibility that I am not cut out for writing a book on marriage. Instead, write a best-seller titled, Fiction vs. Fact for Repelling Spiders.)

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(Author's note: If you enjoyed this mostly true bit of humor, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun. )

"Making a Marriage Last" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: making a marriage last, low blood sugar, spiders

Two Thugs, and Betty Crocker Cereal Muffin Mixes

By C.L. Beck

Photo © ex

The Stolen Lamborghini: Two thugs, Tony and Vido, are altering the identification information on a stolen Lamborghini. Vido's hammering out a new VIN tag for the car and in the middle of it he walks over to the pantry, pulls out a box of Cocoa Puffs^TM, looks at the bottom, mumbles to himself and then goes back to work.

When the tag is finished, Vido holds it up for approval. “Atsa pretty good, huh?"

Tony looks confused. “Not bad, but why it gotta da words ‘Cocoa Puffs 23872’on it?"

Vido rolls his eyes. “Cuz, you bigga dummy -- datsa da car's new cereal number!”

And Speaking of Cereal: Betty Crocker® has a new breakfast product that Vido and I just heard about ... Cereal Muffin Mixes! According to the ever-youthful BC (no, that is not British Columbia, it's Betty Crocker), "Whether your family is gathering around the breakfast table or simply grabbing a bite on-the-go, new Betty Crocker Cereal Muffin Mixes will provide a tasty and convenient way to jumpstart your day!"

Interested? Then visit http://bit.ly/CMcoupon to download a printable coupon for $.80 off a package of Cereal Muffin Mix.

Money off -- I knew you'd love it because you can't beat that. Even Tony and Vido would agree!

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(Disclosure: The Betty Crocker information and coupon above was provided by Betty Crocker through My Blogspark. For more disclosure information, please read the disclosure page.)

A Small Plug: If you enjoy having your funny bone tickled, then sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar on the right. That way you won't miss out on future fun.

"Two Thugs, and Betty Crocker Cereal Muffin Mixes" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck. The joke, "The Stolen Lamborghini" is copyrighted by Cindy Beck and may used if credit and a link to bythebecks.com is listed.
Tags: Betty Crocker, MyBlogSpark, thugs, Lamborghini

"Faith, Hope, and Gravity" Review ... by C.L. Beck

Book Description: “Faith, Hope and Gravity” is the spiritual, magical adventure of teenager, Liam Kane, as he discovers some of the same lessons Merrill Osmond learned as the world-traveling lead singer of the Osmond Brothers. Like Merrill, Liam is often misunderstood as he helps those seeking for purpose in their extraordinary talents. Liam’s visionary abilities gain him international notoriety as “The Prophecy Boy” who swims with dolphins, dreams of a mysterious red door, and champions those who are often misjudged for their uncommon gifts. Surviving kidnapping, near-drowning, and imprisonment leads to the discovery that despite differences, when people respect each other and their wide variety of abilities, the thread of commonality that runs through mankind grows ever stronger.

Merrill Osmond

About the Authors: Merrill Osmond is a world-class entertainer, producer, author, motivational speaker and renowned lead singer of the Osmonds. Merrill and his siblings have produced 47 platinum and gold records and Merrill has written the lyrics for five #1 hit records. Merrill is a co-founder of the Osmond Foundation, which originally produced “The Children’s Miracle Network” Telethon. He has produced presidential inaugural events for both Reagan and Bush. Merrill is excited to release his first novel, Faith, Hope, and Gravity.

Shirley Bahlmann

Shirley Bahlmann has written a wide variety of genres, including historical fiction, novels, biographies, how-to, and how-not-to books. One of her favorites is a children’s book titled “When the Chicken Crossed the Road” which comes with instructions and a chicken-colored washcloth so you can roll your own chicken! Shirley finds the most annoying thing about being a prolific writer is sleep, because she’d rather be writing.

My Opinion: The authors' descriptions of people and events in Faith, Hope, and Gravity makes the reader feel as if he/she is right there in the story. As a main character, Liam is a likable individual and Osmond/Bahlmann present him in a way that makes it easy to sympathize with Liam's difficulties. The lessons offered in the story hold true in life -- everyone has troubles and trials of one kind or another, even if they've never experienced bullying, a broken hip, or visions of the future. Osmond/Bahlmann ultimately propose a universal truth -- the goal in life is to remain true to oneself and to one's gifts.

Open the book on a laid-back Sunday afternoon, read for a bit, and see if you don't find that the characters and plot make for light, pleasant reading.

Links:
Merrill Osmond's Site
Shirley Bahlmann's Site

Other Stops on the Blog Tour:
Sept 13- Fire and Ice
Sept 14- I am a Reader
Sept 17- Debbie's Inkspectations
Sept 18- Aimee Brown
Sept 20- Kathi Oram Peterson
Sept 24-Danyelle Ferguson

Sept 27- Susan
Sept 28-The Book Bug

October 1-Jewel Adams

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"Faith, Hope, and Gravity Review" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: Faith, Hope, and Gravity, book review, Bahlmann, Osmond

(Compensation Disclosure: The only compensation received for this review was an electronic PDF copy of Faith, Hope, and Gravity so that it could be read and reviewed on the blog. For more disclosure information, particularly in reference to my philosophy on book reviews, please read the disclosure page.)

Calgary Real Estate ... by C.L. Beck

A humor article by C.L. Beck, sponsored by your friends at CliffStevenson.com.

Calgary ... the land of snow and ice. Or maybe palm trees and girls in bikinis. I'm not sure which. But, I do have friends from Canada and none of them are wearing skimpy bathing suits, so I'm thinking my first description of Calgary real estate is correct ... eh?

Preparing for that Calgary Weather
I recently received a request to look at a website featuring Calgary realtors. Being one who likes to come prepared, I pulled on my parka, snow boots, wooly mittens, and sat down at the computer, waiting for it to freeze up. (Come on, you know that was funny ... cold, Calgary winters ... computer freezing up!)

To my utter surprise it didn't, so I took a look through the site. It was well designed, and easy to navigate. It contained lovely pictures of homes that had sold. But to my astonishment, not many of them were sitting in snow. Here I'd envisioned igloos and husky Canadian loggers in red, flannel shirts and suspenders (well, naturally, pants, too -- this is a family-oriented blog, you know) and all I'd seen were homes.

The Photo of Cliff Stevenson, a Calgary Realtor
At the thought of Canadian loggers, the room seemed overly warm so I unplugged the electric blanket that I'd originally wrapped around my parka. Feeling disappointed that the site didn't have typical Canadians in furry hats -- who were picking their teeth with hockey sticks -- I sipped my hot cocoa. That's when I noticed the picture of Cliff Stevenson, the website's owner. He looked young. Very young. Thirty years ago, though, I would have said he was nice looking. (Wait, is a married woman of my age allowed to say some guy is good looking?)

My glasses fogged and rivulets of sweat ran down my face. Guilt engulfed me for even noticing he was cute. And then I remembered the steamy drink in my hand and the hot water bottle stuffed under my parka.

All's Well that Ends Well
I removed the winter clothing, then sighed with relief as my temperature dropped -- it hadn't been Stevenson's picture causing the problem after all. Despite a small case of heat rash -- and finding a few web pages at the site that seemed still under construction -- I decided it'd been a pretty good half hour, filled with interesting information about how to buy and sell homes.

And the best part? I'd only suffered one count of heat exhaustion in the process.

(Author's note: If you're thinking about selling your home -- even if it's not in Calgary -- there's an interesting blog article by Stevenson called, "Do You Want the Pine or Apple Scent?" Among others at the site, it's worth reading.

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(Disclosure: This article is sponsored by your friends at CliffStevenson.com. For more disclosure information, please read the disclosure page.)

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"Calgary Real Estate" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: Calgary realtors, Calgary realtor, Canadian, Cliff Stevenson

A Witty, Funny Quote ... by C.L. Beck

I love witty people. Although ... I do know some individuals who have only half as much wit as others, which pretty much makes them half-wits. In the wide world of the web, I've run across quite a few of those. However, I'm pleased to announce that none of my readers fall into that category.

At least, that I know of.

Speaking of wit, I recently ran across a quote that I loved and wanted to share with you. It was credited to Ronald Reagan. Since he's no longer around, I can't very well ask him if he actually said this--but, it sounds like him, and so we'll proceed on that assumption.

President Reagan stated: "Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying."

Yeah, I know. It takes a minute to sink in, but when it does, you have to laugh.

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"A Witty, Funny Quote" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags:witty quote, funny quotes, Ronald Reagan

How to Create a Secure Password ... by C.L. Beck

We've been told it over and over again--create secure passwords. How? By having x number of characters, numbers, capital letters, etc., etc., etc. It drives us nuts! How are we supposed to remember ninety million passwords, all comprised of different characters?

Well, here's an unconfirmed (unconfirmed="I didn't bother to check it out.") report, by an unknown author, of one woman's version of a secure password.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found

that a female employee was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her

eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least eight characters

long and include at least one capital."

Don't ya love it? She has to be blond!

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Tags: secure password
"How to Create a Secure Password" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck

Emergency Preparedness/Live Off the Land ... by C.L. Beck

Photo © gzigzik

I've always considered myself an emergency preparedness/live off the land type-of-gal.

Not the kind, however, who would strap a bandoleer across her chest and live in a compound in Montana. Unless, of course, the bandoleer added inches to her bust measurement and came in "Positively Pink." Then ... maybe.

No, seriously.

I'm jiggy with picking fresh fruit. As long as I don't have to bottle it. And going fishing is fun ... as long as I don't have to clean them.

Oh, and hunting! I'm definitely into hunting. Well ... with a camera. And as long as there's indoor plumbing and Hostess raspberry-filled donuts nearby. No, not near the plumbing. Near my mouth.

On occasion, I've even read the Mother Earth News. And then considered making dandelion wine according to the magazine's directions. Minus the wine aspect, of course, since I don't drink--which pretty much just makes it dandelion water. Nice, yellow water.

It reminds me of an old joke ...

Joe's sitting in his hospital bed, looking at his breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and apple juice. As he opens the apple juice, he accidentally knocks the plastic cup for it off the tray.

"Dang," he says, with a grimace. "I'm hooked up to all these monitors and there's no way I can reach that."

Sitting next to the breakfast tray is the small plastic container for the urine sample that's needed that morning. Joe thinks for a minute and says, "Well, the specimen cup is clean, so it won't matter if I pour the juice into it."

A few minutes later, the head nurse walks in, picks up the cup, eyes it critically, sets it back on the tray, and says, "Hmmm, we're looking a little cloudy today."

To which Joe says - as he picks up the cup and puts it to his lips -"Well, we'll just run it through again!"

And now that I've totally erased your longing for either dandelion wine or apple juice, I will bid you adieu. In the meantime, drop off a comment and tell me if you've ever had the urge to live off the land.

[Author's note: This article is dedicated to my friend, Andrea--at IGetReady.com--who really and truly is a "live off the land" type-of-gal. But if you're thinking about recruiting her for your compound, there's no point in it--she would never even consider wearing a bandoleer. It detracts from the machete on her hip.]

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Tags: emergency preparedness, survivalist, dandelion wine, apple juice, live off the land, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Hostess donuts
"Emergency Preparedness/Live Off the Land" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck

Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for Spring Chickens ... by C.L. Beck

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel ... funny movie. Sweet sentiments.

We walked into theater # 65 at the Cineplex to see it. Ok, not really # 65, but that number would have been appropriate because there were old people sitting everywhere. I whispered to Russ, "Oh, my gosh, how come all the people here are senior citizens?"

Russ looked at me, perplexed. "Huh? What?"

I tried again, louder. "Everyone here is over 65!"

Some ol' guy sitting two rows below adjusted his hearing aid and said, "What did you say, honey?"

I shushed him with a finger to my lips. Russ looked at me and said, "What did you say, sweetie?"

I repeated the question five times, finally deciding that Russ and the ol' guy in front had more in common than age. They both needed a hearing aid.

The movie was a riot. I laughed in all the right places. Mostly, where everyone else laughed. I'm not sure that twenty years ago I would have understood some of the old people jokes. It's not because I'm old now, but because my sense of humor is more refined ... right?

As we left, a sudden kink developed in my hip causing me to hobble down the stairs. I hoped my eyes would adjust to the weird lights on the stairwell before I fell on my head. An ol' hippie lady sitting near us seemed to have the same trouble. And I think I recognized the peace symbol earrings she had on ... I have a pair just like that from high school. I didn't tell Russ, though.

There's no doubt I'm too young to be an oldster. I'm still spry as a spring chicken! And I could convince myself of that ... if they hadn't willingly offered the senior discount when we bought the theater tickets.

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"Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for Spring Chickens" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: Marigold Hotel, senior discount, senior citizens

Becoming a Tax Preparer ... by C.L. Beck

I know, I know ... tax time is over. It's been over for almost 3 months. And being the obsessive-compulsive housekeeper that I am (not), I straighten my stack of 2011's receipts and Form 1040 Tax Return every time I stumble over them... er, I mean, walk past them.

The other day, as I once again tidied the pile--after twisting my ankle while tripping on them--my hubby raised one eyebrow (in a poor imitation of Mr. Spock, the Vulcan from Planet ABC Reruns) and said, "What's that stuff on the floor?"

"What stuff?" I asked innocently, yet with great alacrity, all the while trying to shove the twelve-inch stack into the three-inch space under the couch with my foot.

"All that ... that ... paperwork." He pulled out a rumpled 1040 that peeked from under the sofa and waved it at me.

Being fast on my feet like I am, I thought up a lie. Oh, wait. That doesn't sound good; religious people should not lie. So, for the sake of my faith--but mostly because I do not wish to end up in outer darkness where brimstone hisses and fires roars (no, that would not be Colorado, that would be hell)--let's not call it a lie. Let's call it a very large exaggeration.

"I'm taking an income tax course," I said, batting my baby blues in a most flirtatious manner that was designed to throw Russ off the track.

He leaned closer, concern crossed his face, and he peered at me. "Do you have something wrong with your eyes? Why are you blinking like that?"

So much for flirtation.

"Nothing's wrong with my eyes." Then a truly ingenious ~~lie~~ thought tumbled into my brain. "They're just tired. And strained. Very strained because of all the studying I'm doing to become a tax preparer. Which means I really need for you to do the cooking and cleaning."

Russ cocked his head. Years ago, a lock of dark hair would have fallen appealingly over one eye when he did that, but now all that fell was a little dust from the top of his bald head. He smoothed out the 1040 still crumpled in his hand and read it.

An accusing look flitted across his face and then took up permanent residence. "This isn't homework from a tax class, this is last year's tax return. You haven't filed it away yet." The accusing look got more accusing-er.

"Yeah, well ... um ... just because it's from last year, that doesn't mean I'm not studying it." I paused while my brain put together an explanation, and then I continued, "You know how we wanted to pull up the old carpet and replace it with new?"

Russ's eyebrows shot up (possibly in disbelief, but I prefer to think of it as admiration) and he said, "What does learning about taxes have to do with replacing the carpet?" Then he sighed. (Possibly in exasperation, but I prefer to think it as astonishment over my beauty.)

I grinned a coquettish smile of victory. "Well, as everyone knows ... before you can take up the carpet, you have to take up the tax (tacks)!"

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"Becoming a Tax Preparer" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: income tax course, become a tax preparer, FastForwardAcademy.com

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